Just what I need
The author, Sandra Cisneros in a conversation with the host of On Being , Krista Tippett, reminds the listener of a Sufi saying attributed to Hazrat Inayat Khan, “God breaks the heart again and again until it stays open.”
Once again, I was reminded that I always get what I need to grow spiritually. Although I do not believe that a divine being deliberately breaks our hearts or in any way deliberately causes us pain I do believe that I always get what I need to grow spiritually. For example, one of my long time spiritual goals is to love unconditionally – without conditions or expectations. Yet, time after time. I notice that when a person I profess to love is not as emotionally or otherwise available in the way I expect or want them to be my initial reaction is to overtly or covertly pull away and blame their behavior for my actions. Of course, I know their behavior is not about me although, at times, it may be in reaction to something I said or did. If I intentionally or unintentionally said or did something hurtful I am, at this stage of my life, very willing to make amends. My goal is to do this with no demands or even expectation that the person accepts my amends. Frequently, however, I expect them to be “gracious”, accept the fact that I am human, and resume the relationship. When this does not happen I may have angry or other negative thoughts thus resulting in even more emotional distance. The Sufi master would say that I have closed my heart. It makes no difference what the other person(s) is doing or not doing. I am only responsible for my half of the relationship. Even if they have closed their heart I have the option of keeping mine open. To not keep my heart open is to allow others or the action of others to determine my own spiritual and emotional health.
In the end, of course, this brief life journey is what Father Greg Boyle terms returning self to self. We support and help each other in this journey of reclaiming ourselves. Our human tendency – certainly the tendency of this human – is to take ourselves and this life journey very seriously; seriously in the sense that we think we can avoid discomfort by closing our heart when we experience hurt. Yet, what we label as hurt is almost always the fact that someone else is not behaving toward us in a way which allows us to experience love. We assume we know what is going on with them and decide it is not safe to keep our heart open to or with them.
I know that it is always safe to keep my heart open if I am spiritually and emotionally healthy. If I have not been taking care of myself – filling my emotional, spiritual, physical and nutritional gas tanks – then I am vulnerable to being hurt or as Khan would say having my heart broken. It is then easy for me to fall into the trap of blaming them or their behavior for my action of closing my heart.
While it is always safe to keep our hearts open, it is never safe to give other people, places and things the power to determine our worth. Obviously keeping our heart open does not mean we should live with or close to those who have nothing positive to give us. The distance we need from those who have nothing or only negatives to keep us is determined by our own health. This is entirely our issue for which we ,and not others, are responsible.
Written February 17, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
The author, Sandra Cisneros in a conversation with the host of On Being , Krista Tippett, reminds the listener of a Sufi saying attributed to Hazrat Inayat Khan, “God breaks the heart again and again until it stays open.”
Once again, I was reminded that I always get what I need to grow spiritually. Although I do not believe that a divine being deliberately breaks our hearts or in any way deliberately causes us pain I do believe that I always get what I need to grow spiritually. For example, one of my long time spiritual goals is to love unconditionally – without conditions or expectations. Yet, time after time. I notice that when a person I profess to love is not as emotionally or otherwise available in the way I expect or want them to be my initial reaction is to overtly or covertly pull away and blame their behavior for my actions. Of course, I know their behavior is not about me although, at times, it may be in reaction to something I said or did. If I intentionally or unintentionally said or did something hurtful I am, at this stage of my life, very willing to make amends. My goal is to do this with no demands or even expectation that the person accepts my amends. Frequently, however, I expect them to be “gracious”, accept the fact that I am human, and resume the relationship. When this does not happen I may have angry or other negative thoughts thus resulting in even more emotional distance. The Sufi master would say that I have closed my heart. It makes no difference what the other person(s) is doing or not doing. I am only responsible for my half of the relationship. Even if they have closed their heart I have the option of keeping mine open. To not keep my heart open is to allow others or the action of others to determine my own spiritual and emotional health.
In the end, of course, this brief life journey is what Father Greg Boyle terms returning self to self. We support and help each other in this journey of reclaiming ourselves. Our human tendency – certainly the tendency of this human – is to take ourselves and this life journey very seriously; seriously in the sense that we think we can avoid discomfort by closing our heart when we experience hurt. Yet, what we label as hurt is almost always the fact that someone else is not behaving toward us in a way which allows us to experience love. We assume we know what is going on with them and decide it is not safe to keep our heart open to or with them.
I know that it is always safe to keep my heart open if I am spiritually and emotionally healthy. If I have not been taking care of myself – filling my emotional, spiritual, physical and nutritional gas tanks – then I am vulnerable to being hurt or as Khan would say having my heart broken. It is then easy for me to fall into the trap of blaming them or their behavior for my action of closing my heart.
While it is always safe to keep our hearts open, it is never safe to give other people, places and things the power to determine our worth. Obviously keeping our heart open does not mean we should live with or close to those who have nothing positive to give us. The distance we need from those who have nothing or only negatives to keep us is determined by our own health. This is entirely our issue for which we ,and not others, are responsible.
Written February 17, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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