Learning to love?
Do we learn to love or we born open to loving and learn not to love?
It seems to me, baring neurological disorder which may prevent one from connecting with parts of self and others, humans are born open to loving - themselves, others, and the world in general. Early on we learn that certain things are not safe to love – fire, prickly branches, things that cut, or behavior that cause injury such as hitting finger with a pot or, sadly, being hit or shunned by another person.
I spend a lot of time observing infants, children and adults. Most infants are curious about everything. They touch, smell, and taste. They explore the concept of gravity long before they know the word. They study stress by pulling on or pushing objects or hair of another person or animal.
Infants are curious about and explore their own bodies – what they feel like, taste like, and how they move in relationships to themselves and the rest of the world. They freely emote with laughter, sadness, pain, joy and wonder. They do not know the rules for being male and female although as soon as a blanket color is assigned they are handled differently.
Very early, even in today’s world, babies begin to learn the rules for relating to their own physical, emotional and intellectual bodies. By the time that they are five or six most children can articulate many of the rules for the role they have been assigned because of gender, appearance, race, culture, religion, status or other factors. Many of these rules dictate that one should dissociate from or deny many parts of oneself. Many boys of most races will have learned not to share emotions other than anger. Lack of emotions is considered being tough. Needing to touch in a loving, non-sexual way is considered “weird” or inappropriate for a person who is labeled as a male
By the time a male reaches puberty he has learned more rules about loving himself and others. Although some boys today find it easier to openly love themselves event when they may not fit the stereotype of the heterosexual, tough males, most boys by puberty are learning that they should be sexually desirous or turned on by most females especially those who fit the prevailing standard of sexy. Serious time and serious discussions are still mainly with other males and not females.
Boys are learning that touching other than the high five, the fist, arm or shoulder bump is connected with sexual activity or the hopes of sexual activity with someone of the opposite sex. Exceptions are reluctantly made for mothers – in private. Girls are also learning their own rules. For example, they are learning what is considered desirable or sexy in a male. All too often they are leaning that sexy/attractive/mate material is that male who, as a partner, will be emotionally unavailable and will expect most touching to occur during sexual activity. The need of males to connect has not changed since they were infants, but the range of activities during which they are permitted to touch is primarily limited to sexual activity and depending on the culture to certain rituals such as religious activities, funerals, and combat.
Countries dominated by males or masculine rules use physical and military power, bullying and threats of same as primary tools of intimacy with other nations.
If we, as a culture/country/species are serious about exploring sexual abuse, including sexual harassment, we will want to explore what we are teaching males and females about loving – about intimacy with self and others. If we truly want loving, safe and non- abusive relationships we will want to give non-sexual options for intimacy. If we want sexual relationships to be celebrated it has to be mutually agreed upon and safe. If we want to honor innate human need to touch and be touched we need to look at what we are teaching about safe, acceptable ways to meet that essential need.
In other words, as is true for most issues, sexual abuse including sexual harassment is a systemic issue in which all of us as parents, teachers, and other mentors have a role.
Written May 26, 2018
Do we learn to love or we born open to loving and learn not to love?
It seems to me, baring neurological disorder which may prevent one from connecting with parts of self and others, humans are born open to loving - themselves, others, and the world in general. Early on we learn that certain things are not safe to love – fire, prickly branches, things that cut, or behavior that cause injury such as hitting finger with a pot or, sadly, being hit or shunned by another person.
I spend a lot of time observing infants, children and adults. Most infants are curious about everything. They touch, smell, and taste. They explore the concept of gravity long before they know the word. They study stress by pulling on or pushing objects or hair of another person or animal.
Infants are curious about and explore their own bodies – what they feel like, taste like, and how they move in relationships to themselves and the rest of the world. They freely emote with laughter, sadness, pain, joy and wonder. They do not know the rules for being male and female although as soon as a blanket color is assigned they are handled differently.
Very early, even in today’s world, babies begin to learn the rules for relating to their own physical, emotional and intellectual bodies. By the time that they are five or six most children can articulate many of the rules for the role they have been assigned because of gender, appearance, race, culture, religion, status or other factors. Many of these rules dictate that one should dissociate from or deny many parts of oneself. Many boys of most races will have learned not to share emotions other than anger. Lack of emotions is considered being tough. Needing to touch in a loving, non-sexual way is considered “weird” or inappropriate for a person who is labeled as a male
By the time a male reaches puberty he has learned more rules about loving himself and others. Although some boys today find it easier to openly love themselves event when they may not fit the stereotype of the heterosexual, tough males, most boys by puberty are learning that they should be sexually desirous or turned on by most females especially those who fit the prevailing standard of sexy. Serious time and serious discussions are still mainly with other males and not females.
Boys are learning that touching other than the high five, the fist, arm or shoulder bump is connected with sexual activity or the hopes of sexual activity with someone of the opposite sex. Exceptions are reluctantly made for mothers – in private. Girls are also learning their own rules. For example, they are learning what is considered desirable or sexy in a male. All too often they are leaning that sexy/attractive/mate material is that male who, as a partner, will be emotionally unavailable and will expect most touching to occur during sexual activity. The need of males to connect has not changed since they were infants, but the range of activities during which they are permitted to touch is primarily limited to sexual activity and depending on the culture to certain rituals such as religious activities, funerals, and combat.
Countries dominated by males or masculine rules use physical and military power, bullying and threats of same as primary tools of intimacy with other nations.
If we, as a culture/country/species are serious about exploring sexual abuse, including sexual harassment, we will want to explore what we are teaching males and females about loving – about intimacy with self and others. If we truly want loving, safe and non- abusive relationships we will want to give non-sexual options for intimacy. If we want sexual relationships to be celebrated it has to be mutually agreed upon and safe. If we want to honor innate human need to touch and be touched we need to look at what we are teaching about safe, acceptable ways to meet that essential need.
In other words, as is true for most issues, sexual abuse including sexual harassment is a systemic issue in which all of us as parents, teachers, and other mentors have a role.
Written May 26, 2018
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