Letting go – Expectations and problem solving
This is the second visit to the subject of letting go. Well, that is not entirely accurate. I have previously discussed this subject in connection with my writing on the application of the 12 steps of recovery programs to all issues in one’s life.
This morning I was thinking of how often we view the behavior of someone as something which is about us and, thus, responsible for us having a terrible life. Often we spend a lot of energy blaming them for basically ruining our lives. Just the other day I had a note from a friend who was blaming an incident which happened thirty or forty years ago for their current mood. She wanted to talk about what was done to her. I know all the people involved and I am sure that in this case the behavior was not done to them. It may have and obviously did have such an acute affect that many years later this person is still blaming the action of the other person for their current behavior and mood. Furthermore, this person is convinced that they have no choices other than to react to the behavior of others. I happen to know that this person often processes events in their head in ways which leave them angry, victimized and without any power to have a good life.
I receive emails from Nick Ortner, best known for his work in the area of tapping. Today, in “The Tapping Solution” Mr. Ortner discussed a research study (featured on CNN’s website) that linked children’s behavior in kindergarten to adult success. “The new study, featured in the American Journal of Public Health, followed 800 children from kindergarten through their mid-20s in a comprehensive 20-year examination. The study found that children who were helpful, cooperative, good listeners, and thoughtful towards conflict resolution were statistically more likely to have graduated college and have a full-time job at age 25. Those who had problems in the above areas were less likely to have finished high school and college, more likely to have substance abuse problems, and even have more run-ins with the law.”
My first reaction was duh! What I “heard” when I read this was that when young children are able to process information in a way which leads to healthy problem solving they are likely to continue to do so throughout their life and, thus, to have fewer problems. This seem axiomatic to me – common sense. This study confirms that parents, educators, health care professionals and other childcare persons need to focus on early identification of those children who are not adept at problem solving and who then tend to blame other persons, situations or things for their inability to be successful in their relationship with themselves, other people and the world in general. Often we do not know why some children seem to “naturally” problem solve well, regardless of intelligence quotient (IQ).
Lead meetings of l2-step recovery programs are a good place to hear stories of those who have suffered with active addiction. Invariably the persons telling their stories report that as young children:
· They felt less then and different in a negative way.
· They blamed other people, places and things for their unhappiness and lack of success.
· Instead of problem solving they were angry, depressed and eventually stumbled on ways to numb themselves out so that they did not have to feel or think.
· They did not do well in school or if they did it did not lead to future success.
· They often went for years wanting to change their life but did not know how to problem solve.
· Once they got clean and sober and began to work on their thinking process they began to problem solve in all areas of their lives and to have lives they determined to be more satisfying and successful.
What does this tell us? This tells us that:
· Apparently some children are “natural” problem solvers or their brains develop this skill early in life.
· Some environmental factors may or may not affect that development although there are many example of children in terrible home situations who function very well.
· A relatively small number of children have neurological issues which need to be treated. An even smaller percentage cannot yet be treated.
· Problem solving skills can be taught when the brain is ready. Those who study children have long known that if we try to teach a skill before brains are ready that it does not work. It may be that academic programs that are geared to allow children of the same age to proceed at different paces are more effective rather than assuming that all or even most children develop at same pace. We know from “late bloomers” and those who are successful in recovery programs that many can learn to problem solve.
There are also people who are not active addicts who honesty believe that the behavior of other people or circumstances keep them from having a good life. They are not able to accept that even when behavior is directed at them that it is not about them and cannot prevent them from having a positive life. There are many stories of people living in terrible conditions with debilitating illness who manage to have a joyful life without denying the issues with which they must deal.
If someone deliberately sets out to bully or otherwise hurt one, one does not have to take it personally. One might suggest that if behavior is directed at one obviously:
· It is personal.
· One needs to react to or “set the person straight.”
Yet, if one thinks about it, one cannot make someone behave a certain way. If a person acts in an unkind or even cruel way one cannot assume responsibility for that action. That person made a decision based on their understanding or state of mind to act or react in a certain manner. If one is not responsible for the behavior of another then one cannot allow that behavior to determine how well one lives emotionally and spiritually. For example, if a parent believes that they can beat a child until he or she does well in school or does not act out, one is not causing that parent to beat them. It may be true, from the perspective of the child, that their behavior is frustrating to the parent but the parent can respond in a number of ways. Beating is not the only option. Even when beaten some children will figure out that the beatings are because the parent has issues.
Accepting that the behavior of another person which is directed at one is not about one but affects one is not easy. It is equally difficult to accept that another person or even life is not determining one’s fate. It certainly seems as if the life of some folks is particularly difficult. In fact, I just talked to a man (Jay) at the laundromat whose adult daughter and her son live with him. The father of the grandson is in prison for drug addiction. Jay’s father died three ago and his mother is not in good health. Jay’s wife died of cancer several years ago. This man works a full- time night shift at a factory and then works a second job stuffing ads in newspapers. When his daughter is working he takes care of the young grandchild. He gets very little sleep. Yet he does not talk as if life is out to get him. He is obviously tired and looks very much older than his 50 years. I asked him what keeps him going and he replied his grandchild, but obviously he has kept going long before his young grandchild. He has a total of 11 grandchildren but only one lives with him. I am awed by this man who is cheerful, friendly and has an overall positive attitude. He is a positive role model for all of us. He is obviously a problem solver and does not think life is out to get him.
Another person I know who is physically healthy, has a decent income and lives in a nice home is perpetually unhappy and is constantly blaming others for his unhappiness. When he has an issue which he needs to problem solve he whines and talks as if God or the universe is picking on him.
Many people have written about the need to have a positive attitude and in one form or another about the serenity prayer and focusing on problems solving rather than blaming others or circumstances for their unhappy life. Yet, some seem unable to do that. If person A deliberately steals from me because they are mad that I am not as poor as them, then that behavior may seem as if it is about me. Yet, although it affects me, it is about the man’s inability to find another way of taking care of himself. Once someone slugged me because he thought I was having an affair with his crippled wife who had merely asked me to help her get into her locked house. His behavior resulted in me having a black eye. Yet, his behavior was not about me. It was about his inability to deal with his fear that his wife was going to leave him if he kept being verbally abusive.
If we can accept that people who hurt us are problem solving as best as they know how or in a way which seems necessary to them, we can begin to protect ourselves without taking their behavior personally. To not take it personally means that I do not let them define who I am or how I will problem solve. Their behavior will not keep me from having a good life.
Written December 3, 2016
This is the second visit to the subject of letting go. Well, that is not entirely accurate. I have previously discussed this subject in connection with my writing on the application of the 12 steps of recovery programs to all issues in one’s life.
This morning I was thinking of how often we view the behavior of someone as something which is about us and, thus, responsible for us having a terrible life. Often we spend a lot of energy blaming them for basically ruining our lives. Just the other day I had a note from a friend who was blaming an incident which happened thirty or forty years ago for their current mood. She wanted to talk about what was done to her. I know all the people involved and I am sure that in this case the behavior was not done to them. It may have and obviously did have such an acute affect that many years later this person is still blaming the action of the other person for their current behavior and mood. Furthermore, this person is convinced that they have no choices other than to react to the behavior of others. I happen to know that this person often processes events in their head in ways which leave them angry, victimized and without any power to have a good life.
I receive emails from Nick Ortner, best known for his work in the area of tapping. Today, in “The Tapping Solution” Mr. Ortner discussed a research study (featured on CNN’s website) that linked children’s behavior in kindergarten to adult success. “The new study, featured in the American Journal of Public Health, followed 800 children from kindergarten through their mid-20s in a comprehensive 20-year examination. The study found that children who were helpful, cooperative, good listeners, and thoughtful towards conflict resolution were statistically more likely to have graduated college and have a full-time job at age 25. Those who had problems in the above areas were less likely to have finished high school and college, more likely to have substance abuse problems, and even have more run-ins with the law.”
My first reaction was duh! What I “heard” when I read this was that when young children are able to process information in a way which leads to healthy problem solving they are likely to continue to do so throughout their life and, thus, to have fewer problems. This seem axiomatic to me – common sense. This study confirms that parents, educators, health care professionals and other childcare persons need to focus on early identification of those children who are not adept at problem solving and who then tend to blame other persons, situations or things for their inability to be successful in their relationship with themselves, other people and the world in general. Often we do not know why some children seem to “naturally” problem solve well, regardless of intelligence quotient (IQ).
Lead meetings of l2-step recovery programs are a good place to hear stories of those who have suffered with active addiction. Invariably the persons telling their stories report that as young children:
· They felt less then and different in a negative way.
· They blamed other people, places and things for their unhappiness and lack of success.
· Instead of problem solving they were angry, depressed and eventually stumbled on ways to numb themselves out so that they did not have to feel or think.
· They did not do well in school or if they did it did not lead to future success.
· They often went for years wanting to change their life but did not know how to problem solve.
· Once they got clean and sober and began to work on their thinking process they began to problem solve in all areas of their lives and to have lives they determined to be more satisfying and successful.
What does this tell us? This tells us that:
· Apparently some children are “natural” problem solvers or their brains develop this skill early in life.
· Some environmental factors may or may not affect that development although there are many example of children in terrible home situations who function very well.
· A relatively small number of children have neurological issues which need to be treated. An even smaller percentage cannot yet be treated.
· Problem solving skills can be taught when the brain is ready. Those who study children have long known that if we try to teach a skill before brains are ready that it does not work. It may be that academic programs that are geared to allow children of the same age to proceed at different paces are more effective rather than assuming that all or even most children develop at same pace. We know from “late bloomers” and those who are successful in recovery programs that many can learn to problem solve.
There are also people who are not active addicts who honesty believe that the behavior of other people or circumstances keep them from having a good life. They are not able to accept that even when behavior is directed at them that it is not about them and cannot prevent them from having a positive life. There are many stories of people living in terrible conditions with debilitating illness who manage to have a joyful life without denying the issues with which they must deal.
If someone deliberately sets out to bully or otherwise hurt one, one does not have to take it personally. One might suggest that if behavior is directed at one obviously:
· It is personal.
· One needs to react to or “set the person straight.”
Yet, if one thinks about it, one cannot make someone behave a certain way. If a person acts in an unkind or even cruel way one cannot assume responsibility for that action. That person made a decision based on their understanding or state of mind to act or react in a certain manner. If one is not responsible for the behavior of another then one cannot allow that behavior to determine how well one lives emotionally and spiritually. For example, if a parent believes that they can beat a child until he or she does well in school or does not act out, one is not causing that parent to beat them. It may be true, from the perspective of the child, that their behavior is frustrating to the parent but the parent can respond in a number of ways. Beating is not the only option. Even when beaten some children will figure out that the beatings are because the parent has issues.
Accepting that the behavior of another person which is directed at one is not about one but affects one is not easy. It is equally difficult to accept that another person or even life is not determining one’s fate. It certainly seems as if the life of some folks is particularly difficult. In fact, I just talked to a man (Jay) at the laundromat whose adult daughter and her son live with him. The father of the grandson is in prison for drug addiction. Jay’s father died three ago and his mother is not in good health. Jay’s wife died of cancer several years ago. This man works a full- time night shift at a factory and then works a second job stuffing ads in newspapers. When his daughter is working he takes care of the young grandchild. He gets very little sleep. Yet he does not talk as if life is out to get him. He is obviously tired and looks very much older than his 50 years. I asked him what keeps him going and he replied his grandchild, but obviously he has kept going long before his young grandchild. He has a total of 11 grandchildren but only one lives with him. I am awed by this man who is cheerful, friendly and has an overall positive attitude. He is a positive role model for all of us. He is obviously a problem solver and does not think life is out to get him.
Another person I know who is physically healthy, has a decent income and lives in a nice home is perpetually unhappy and is constantly blaming others for his unhappiness. When he has an issue which he needs to problem solve he whines and talks as if God or the universe is picking on him.
Many people have written about the need to have a positive attitude and in one form or another about the serenity prayer and focusing on problems solving rather than blaming others or circumstances for their unhappy life. Yet, some seem unable to do that. If person A deliberately steals from me because they are mad that I am not as poor as them, then that behavior may seem as if it is about me. Yet, although it affects me, it is about the man’s inability to find another way of taking care of himself. Once someone slugged me because he thought I was having an affair with his crippled wife who had merely asked me to help her get into her locked house. His behavior resulted in me having a black eye. Yet, his behavior was not about me. It was about his inability to deal with his fear that his wife was going to leave him if he kept being verbally abusive.
If we can accept that people who hurt us are problem solving as best as they know how or in a way which seems necessary to them, we can begin to protect ourselves without taking their behavior personally. To not take it personally means that I do not let them define who I am or how I will problem solve. Their behavior will not keep me from having a good life.
Written December 3, 2016
RSS Feed