Letting go of powerlessness of being a child
I have often written about what I think Jesus meant when he said: “Unless you become as little children you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3) My understanding of this teaching concerns our willingness to look at the world and situations with the fresh, open eyes of children who have yet to learn to adopt the narrow experience of we adults. Children expect and often experience miracles. Young children without neurological conditions are able to be excited about discovering and are very comfortable just being themselves. By the time most of us are very old we have learned many lies about ourselves and the world. The adoption of these lies will prevent us from having the adult life we want and deserve.
On the other hand, many of us wait our entire life for the parent we wanted and needed as a child. The lucky children have parents who love them unconditionally. If this is the case, the healthy child will retain a positive sense of themselves while also learning what dangers to avoid. The more a child internalizes this positive sense of self, the more he or she is able to continue their life journey without being dependent on others to affirm them. Of course, no matter how healthy we are, all of us function better if we have the loving support of others.
Sadly there are those who have parents or parent surrogates who are not able to give the child unconditional love. When that happens one of two things will happen:
· The child will somehow “know” that they are good enough and worth love no matter how their parents behave. (Perhaps this is what is primarily meant by being an ‘old soul.’)
· The child will continue to wait for the parent or parent surrogate to give them the unconditional love they want and deserve.
Most of us have known those children who, seemingly from birth, are going to be okay emotionally. They seem to “know” that if their parents or parent surrogates do not love unconditionally it has nothing to do with them. They somehow understand that their parent has an illness or, for other reasons, just does not have love to give. Sonia Sotomayor the Supreme Court Justice may be one of those people. Her alcoholic father had little to give emotionally and her mother was often at work. Sonia took care of her younger brother, learned by age 8 to give herself shots for diabetes, and to accept the love of extended family members. Maya Angelou took a little longer to fully internalize the same positive identity but she became a wise, loving woman who often took care of others and left a rich legacy.
There are those, however, who believe they can only proceed on their life journey if they get unconditional positive regard from a primary parent or parent surrogate. As a counselor it has often been my experience to work for/with those individuals who at age 20, 30, 50 and even 70 and 80 are waiting for their primary parent or parent surrogate to give them something that they do not have. As I have previously said, this is acting like the person who decides that they can only buy a car from the Convenience Store. So every day they go to the Convenience Store and ask to buy a car. The clerk tells them that they do not carry cars. The next day the same interaction occurs. They can do this every day for the next 70 years and the convenience store still does not sell cars. There is nothing wrong with the convenience store but they only carry certain products.
The same is true of parents or parent substitutes. Some may have parenthood thrust upon them. Some can make a conscious decision to try to become a parent either biologically or through foster care, adoption or some other method. Yet, wanting or agreeing to be a parent does not ensure that the person can provide a child with unconditional positive regard. They may or may not do fine with the practical issues of providing food, clothing, a safe warm house, and an education but they are not able to provide the emotional support a child needs to survive and thrive. They are not bad people. They just do not have it to give. (It is not my intention in this brief blog to engage in a philosophical argument about whether some people are bad or evil.) Yet, the children of some of these parents are convinced that they can only move on with their lives if their parent or parent surrogates gives them what they do not have. The fact that many of these children may receive unconditional love from others does not seem to matter. For some, love only counts towards positive self-esteem if it comes from the parent and parent surrogate.
Unless one’s belief system assumes that all humans choose their life situation before they are born, who one gets as a parent is a crap shoot. The only requirement for being a biological parent is that a sperm and an egg have a date and successfully merge. There is no requirement that they be emotionally or spiritually healthy. They simply may or may not have unconditional love or otherwise positive parenting skills.
We need to teach children from a very early age that part of emotional maturity is to become a healthy parent to oneself. All children and adults must learn it is their job to give that unconditional love to themselves. Once the person accepts this is the case then the process of becoming emotionally independent of one’s parents or parent surrogates is quite simple - not necessarily easy but simple. If one gives oneself unconditional positive messages while accepting responsibility for past actions then one can begin to do what one needs to do to have a good life. If, however, one continues to wait for a parent or parent surrogate to give one what one does not have then one is going to be miserably disappointed.
No matter what our background or who our parents or parent surrogates are, waiting for them to heal is futile. Even if it occurs, which is doubtful, it is our job, once we become adults, to complete the emotional parenting job. It is also up to us to find a way a way to get an education, earn a living and make other positive decisions. I am not saying that one can have anything else one wants. Obviously, money, talent and other factors may limit what we are able to accomplish. Still, it has been my experience that the person who is willing to emotionally parent themselves can have a rich emotional and spiritual life. One cannot go back in time and relive the past or rebuild all the bridges one has burnt, but one can have a good life.
As in the Charles Dickens play “A Christmas Carol” despite hardships one can have the life of Bob Cratchit and reject the life of Ebenezer Scrooge. If indeed the Ebenezer Scrooge has a healing and helps one that is great but the Cratchits did not make that a condition of their having a life of loving relationships. To be sure, they had heartache as do all individuals, but they also had a lot of joy.
Time and time again I have seen individuals give themselves an unconditionally loving parent (the internal parenting voice which may duplicate the parent(s) of one’s youth) and claim a good life. This then allowed them the ability to not only love themselves unconditionally but to love others, including the parent or parent surrogates unconditionally. If we no longer need that parent or parent surrogate to validate our worth we can love them as the humans who did the best they knew how. Giving others what we want is a powerful use of our adult power.
The irony is, of course, that while we are waiting for someone else to give what they do not have, we are putting conditions on our love and, thus, not practicing the behavior we want others to practice. This is our real power of course – behaving in a way which is consistent with how we want the world to function. In many respects this does change the world although it may not heal our parents or parent surrogates.
Written December 16, 2016
I have often written about what I think Jesus meant when he said: “Unless you become as little children you cannot enter the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 18:3) My understanding of this teaching concerns our willingness to look at the world and situations with the fresh, open eyes of children who have yet to learn to adopt the narrow experience of we adults. Children expect and often experience miracles. Young children without neurological conditions are able to be excited about discovering and are very comfortable just being themselves. By the time most of us are very old we have learned many lies about ourselves and the world. The adoption of these lies will prevent us from having the adult life we want and deserve.
On the other hand, many of us wait our entire life for the parent we wanted and needed as a child. The lucky children have parents who love them unconditionally. If this is the case, the healthy child will retain a positive sense of themselves while also learning what dangers to avoid. The more a child internalizes this positive sense of self, the more he or she is able to continue their life journey without being dependent on others to affirm them. Of course, no matter how healthy we are, all of us function better if we have the loving support of others.
Sadly there are those who have parents or parent surrogates who are not able to give the child unconditional love. When that happens one of two things will happen:
· The child will somehow “know” that they are good enough and worth love no matter how their parents behave. (Perhaps this is what is primarily meant by being an ‘old soul.’)
· The child will continue to wait for the parent or parent surrogate to give them the unconditional love they want and deserve.
Most of us have known those children who, seemingly from birth, are going to be okay emotionally. They seem to “know” that if their parents or parent surrogates do not love unconditionally it has nothing to do with them. They somehow understand that their parent has an illness or, for other reasons, just does not have love to give. Sonia Sotomayor the Supreme Court Justice may be one of those people. Her alcoholic father had little to give emotionally and her mother was often at work. Sonia took care of her younger brother, learned by age 8 to give herself shots for diabetes, and to accept the love of extended family members. Maya Angelou took a little longer to fully internalize the same positive identity but she became a wise, loving woman who often took care of others and left a rich legacy.
There are those, however, who believe they can only proceed on their life journey if they get unconditional positive regard from a primary parent or parent surrogate. As a counselor it has often been my experience to work for/with those individuals who at age 20, 30, 50 and even 70 and 80 are waiting for their primary parent or parent surrogate to give them something that they do not have. As I have previously said, this is acting like the person who decides that they can only buy a car from the Convenience Store. So every day they go to the Convenience Store and ask to buy a car. The clerk tells them that they do not carry cars. The next day the same interaction occurs. They can do this every day for the next 70 years and the convenience store still does not sell cars. There is nothing wrong with the convenience store but they only carry certain products.
The same is true of parents or parent substitutes. Some may have parenthood thrust upon them. Some can make a conscious decision to try to become a parent either biologically or through foster care, adoption or some other method. Yet, wanting or agreeing to be a parent does not ensure that the person can provide a child with unconditional positive regard. They may or may not do fine with the practical issues of providing food, clothing, a safe warm house, and an education but they are not able to provide the emotional support a child needs to survive and thrive. They are not bad people. They just do not have it to give. (It is not my intention in this brief blog to engage in a philosophical argument about whether some people are bad or evil.) Yet, the children of some of these parents are convinced that they can only move on with their lives if their parent or parent surrogates gives them what they do not have. The fact that many of these children may receive unconditional love from others does not seem to matter. For some, love only counts towards positive self-esteem if it comes from the parent and parent surrogate.
Unless one’s belief system assumes that all humans choose their life situation before they are born, who one gets as a parent is a crap shoot. The only requirement for being a biological parent is that a sperm and an egg have a date and successfully merge. There is no requirement that they be emotionally or spiritually healthy. They simply may or may not have unconditional love or otherwise positive parenting skills.
We need to teach children from a very early age that part of emotional maturity is to become a healthy parent to oneself. All children and adults must learn it is their job to give that unconditional love to themselves. Once the person accepts this is the case then the process of becoming emotionally independent of one’s parents or parent surrogates is quite simple - not necessarily easy but simple. If one gives oneself unconditional positive messages while accepting responsibility for past actions then one can begin to do what one needs to do to have a good life. If, however, one continues to wait for a parent or parent surrogate to give one what one does not have then one is going to be miserably disappointed.
No matter what our background or who our parents or parent surrogates are, waiting for them to heal is futile. Even if it occurs, which is doubtful, it is our job, once we become adults, to complete the emotional parenting job. It is also up to us to find a way a way to get an education, earn a living and make other positive decisions. I am not saying that one can have anything else one wants. Obviously, money, talent and other factors may limit what we are able to accomplish. Still, it has been my experience that the person who is willing to emotionally parent themselves can have a rich emotional and spiritual life. One cannot go back in time and relive the past or rebuild all the bridges one has burnt, but one can have a good life.
As in the Charles Dickens play “A Christmas Carol” despite hardships one can have the life of Bob Cratchit and reject the life of Ebenezer Scrooge. If indeed the Ebenezer Scrooge has a healing and helps one that is great but the Cratchits did not make that a condition of their having a life of loving relationships. To be sure, they had heartache as do all individuals, but they also had a lot of joy.
Time and time again I have seen individuals give themselves an unconditionally loving parent (the internal parenting voice which may duplicate the parent(s) of one’s youth) and claim a good life. This then allowed them the ability to not only love themselves unconditionally but to love others, including the parent or parent surrogates unconditionally. If we no longer need that parent or parent surrogate to validate our worth we can love them as the humans who did the best they knew how. Giving others what we want is a powerful use of our adult power.
The irony is, of course, that while we are waiting for someone else to give what they do not have, we are putting conditions on our love and, thus, not practicing the behavior we want others to practice. This is our real power of course – behaving in a way which is consistent with how we want the world to function. In many respects this does change the world although it may not heal our parents or parent surrogates.
Written December 16, 2016
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