Letting go with love – Part 1 - Willingness
Certainly, for many of us, one of the most challenging spiritual lessons, has to do with letting go (of a relationship) with love. There are a number of steps involved in letting go with love. Today I want to address the willingness components of this process. Tomorrow I will address identifying and letting go of expectations. First, the willingness which includes:
· Willingness to allow for the possibility that I loved conditionally and not unconditionally.
Although I would like to believe that I have loved unconditionally, often I discover that I did have some expectation such as expecting my spouse/partner to stay committed to this relationship with me. I will discuss expectations in more depth in tomorrow’s blog, but suffice it to say that I have discovered that no matter what I hoped I was doing, I find it very difficult to just love without expecting anything in return.
· Willingness to practicing letting go of those expectations without shaming or otherwise berating self.
Part of the process of letting go once I have admitted that I did, in fact, have some expectations is letting go of the habit of shaming and berating myself when I find I have deliberately or unwittingly lied to myself. Simply put, this is another step in accepting that I am human - a work in progress. Negative reinforcement simply is not helpful if I want to change. Noticing and admitting what I have been doing is helpful. Once I have taken that step I am ready to practice new behavior.
· Willingness to notice the defense mechanisms one uses to block the pain of letting go.
These defense mechanisms may include anger, judgements, blame, numbing oneself with substances, sex or other distractions. This reminder naturally follows the last one. No one can cause me to use anger, judgment, blame, or numbing myself in an attempt to avoid the pain of letting go of my attachments. I may have allowed myself to fall into the trap of believing that I can only have a decent life is person X does behavior Z. I may have limited my fantasies or dreams of the future to a life with person X. Suddenly they are gone because of sickness, death, or a “calling” by a different drummer. The extent of my dreams and fantasies are, of course, up to me. Often my anger or other defense mechanisms are because I do not want to have to dream a new dream or allow for a different reality. I may rant and rave because it seems life is unfair (It may be unfair.) I played by all the rules and now…. The goal is to notice my defense mechanisms, label them for what they are, and then move on to the underlying feelings. It will not serve any purpose if I get angry at myself or getting angry or judgmental for being judgmental.
· Willingness to move beyond the defense mechanisms to experience pain connected with one’s expectations.
Not surprisingly, none of us like to experience pain – emotional or physical. Yet, unless one is willing to face and move through the pain one cannot take the next step in healing. Sometimes the first thing we must tell ourselves is that we are not fragile – we can experience the pain and survive. It may not feel that way. We may have a habit of telling ourselves that we are emotionally fragile. Yet, paradoxically it takes much more energy to avoid pain than it does to face it and go through it.
· Willingness to entertain the possibility that the other person is not responsible for one’s happiness, peace of mind or having a good life. As long as one is making the other responsible for one’s happiness one is not letting go. One is, in fact, attempting to hold the other person hostage.
Some of us fall deeply in love. Some of us have practiced telling ourselves that we can only be happy and have a good life if we have the partner of our dreams. Some of us believe that it is the responsibility of our partner/spouse – our significant other to give our life meaning – to reassure us that we are loved and are important. If we are to heal we have to be willing to entertain the possibility that we can have a good life and be happy without “our true love”. At first, it may just be that willingness to admit that theoretically one might be happy and have a good life without that person. One might always have that original dream tucked away in the corner of one’s mind, but one can begin to entertain a new dream – a new possibility. To some, allowing for this possibility might feel like giving up. In fact, it is a measure of one’s emotional and spiritual health. Ironically, for many of us, the less needy a person is the more attractive they are. Personally, I do not want to be responsible for the happiness/contentment/joy of another. Certainly, I would like to add to the happiness/contentment and joy of others but I do not want the 24-7 responsibility for that other person. That feels like a burden and not like love.
For me there are levels of willingness. I may have been willing to let go with love if such and such were true but not if something else is true.
Once I have begun to give myself messages of willingness I am ready to move on to acceptance. In tomorrow’s blog, I will discuss the role of acceptance in letting go with love.
Written July 28, 2017
Letting go with love – Part 1 - Willingness
Certainly, for many of us, one of the most challenging spiritual lessons, has to do with letting go (of a relationship) with love. There are a number of steps involved in letting go with love. Today I want to address the willingness components of this process. Tomorrow I will address identifying and letting go of expectations. First, the willingness which includes:
· Willingness to allow for the possibility that I loved conditionally and not unconditionally.
Although I would like to believe that I have loved unconditionally, often I discover that I did have some expectation such as expecting my spouse/partner to stay committed to this relationship with me. I will discuss expectations in more depth in tomorrow’s blog, but suffice it to say that I have discovered that no matter what I hoped I was doing, I find it very difficult to just love without expecting anything in return.
· Willingness to practicing letting go of those expectations without shaming or otherwise berating self.
Part of the process of letting go once I have admitted that I did, in fact, have some expectations is letting go of the habit of shaming and berating myself when I find I have deliberately or unwittingly lied to myself. Simply put, this is another step in accepting that I am human - a work in progress. Negative reinforcement simply is not helpful if I want to change. Noticing and admitting what I have been doing is helpful. Once I have taken that step I am ready to practice new behavior.
· Willingness to notice the defense mechanisms one uses to block the pain of letting go.
These defense mechanisms may include anger, judgements, blame, numbing oneself with substances, sex or other distractions. This reminder naturally follows the last one. No one can cause me to use anger, judgment, blame, or numbing myself in an attempt to avoid the pain of letting go of my attachments. I may have allowed myself to fall into the trap of believing that I can only have a decent life is person X does behavior Z. I may have limited my fantasies or dreams of the future to a life with person X. Suddenly they are gone because of sickness, death, or a “calling” by a different drummer. The extent of my dreams and fantasies are, of course, up to me. Often my anger or other defense mechanisms are because I do not want to have to dream a new dream or allow for a different reality. I may rant and rave because it seems life is unfair (It may be unfair.) I played by all the rules and now…. The goal is to notice my defense mechanisms, label them for what they are, and then move on to the underlying feelings. It will not serve any purpose if I get angry at myself or getting angry or judgmental for being judgmental.
· Willingness to move beyond the defense mechanisms to experience pain connected with one’s expectations.
Not surprisingly, none of us like to experience pain – emotional or physical. Yet, unless one is willing to face and move through the pain one cannot take the next step in healing. Sometimes the first thing we must tell ourselves is that we are not fragile – we can experience the pain and survive. It may not feel that way. We may have a habit of telling ourselves that we are emotionally fragile. Yet, paradoxically it takes much more energy to avoid pain than it does to face it and go through it.
· Willingness to entertain the possibility that the other person is not responsible for one’s happiness, peace of mind or having a good life. As long as one is making the other responsible for one’s happiness one is not letting go. One is, in fact, attempting to hold the other person hostage.
Some of us fall deeply in love. Some of us have practiced telling ourselves that we can only be happy and have a good life if we have the partner of our dreams. Some of us believe that it is the responsibility of our partner/spouse – our significant other to give our life meaning – to reassure us that we are loved and are important. If we are to heal we have to be willing to entertain the possibility that we can have a good life and be happy without “our true love”. At first, it may just be that willingness to admit that theoretically one might be happy and have a good life without that person. One might always have that original dream tucked away in the corner of one’s mind, but one can begin to entertain a new dream – a new possibility. To some, allowing for this possibility might feel like giving up. In fact, it is a measure of one’s emotional and spiritual health. Ironically, for many of us, the less needy a person is the more attractive they are. Personally, I do not want to be responsible for the happiness/contentment/joy of another. Certainly, I would like to add to the happiness/contentment and joy of others but I do not want the 24-7 responsibility for that other person. That feels like a burden and not like love.
For me there are levels of willingness. I may have been willing to let go with love if such and such were true but not if something else is true.
Once I have begun to give myself messages of willingness I am ready to move on to acceptance. In tomorrow’s blog, I will discuss the role of acceptance in letting go with love.
Written July 28, 2017
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