Letting go with love – Part II
Yesterday I talked about the willingness part of letting go with love. Today I want to address our expectations in love relationships as well as other friendships.
Taking or accepting responsibility for my unrealistic expectations entails at the very least:
Most of us form deep friendships, including a marriage/partnership friendship, with the intention and expectation that the friendship will grow deeper with time. We also assume that the both parties are well aware that they are humans. We cannot avoid knowing that humans get ill, died, have or are involved in accidents and are on an evolving journey. Obviously, there is no reason to be surprised when a life event shows up to change or end the friendship. Sometime the end of a friendship comes about because the behavior of one person triggered the feelings associated with the memory of a traumatic event which feels too painful to re-experience. Sometimes the end of a friendship comes because one person is unavailable emotionally and someone else volunteers to be their emotional rock. Sometimes one unexpectedly experiences a “call” to take their life in another direction.
Sadly, just because there is no reason to be surprised does not prevent one from being shocked, hurt, feeling betrayed, and suddenly experiencing hate where love may have resided just yesterday. If not careful when this happens one “throws out the baby with the bathwater”. In an effort to avoid the old pain one throws out or ends the friendship. There is no discussion, room to negotiate or door left often to reconnect. Just recently this happened with a couple I know. The person who had been triggered plainly said that she felt no emotional connection with their partner at all even though shortly before being triggered she has professed her unconditional love.
When someone behaves in this manner it is tempting to respond in kind. Ironically A experiences the humanness of B who then experiences the humanness of A. A is suddenly very conditional with their love. B responds to A’s conditional love with conditional love. A has allowed B’s behavior to determine their response and B then allows A’s behavior to determine their response. Each finds out that their love is very conditional.
If A or B has been blessed with the ability to then stand back and observe their behavior from the vantage point of their core values (core values which include loving unconditionally) they may then be able to reconnect their behavior with their core values and accept that even though they are sad the person is the same human that they loved. They may then be able to refocus on loving unconditionally.
No matter what I tell myself the more deeply I love the more expectations I have. If it is a love relationship I expect:
Sadly, if I dig deep enough I could dig up another ten, twenty or thirty expectations which limit what I am claiming is my unconditional love. Although these expectations do not fit my perception of myself as this spiritually evolved person who is able to love unconditionally, the truth is the truth. I may struggle to share my expectations with myself much less with anyone else. Yet, share them with myself I must if I am to quit blaming the other person for my conditional love. If I am to move closer to unconditional love I must begin with this harsh, eye opening level of honestly.
Today I am not as conditional as I was even a year ago, but I am still more conditional than I want to be. The main progress I have made is in this area is honestly which then leads to being able to accept responsibility for and focus on my limitations rather than holding on to the temporary insanity of acting as if I am in a place to judge others for their unwillingness or inability to love unconditionally. As I move towards loving unconditionally I am more able to let go with love. At first this may be mainly a cognitive process but like all other habits if I keep sincerely practicing it will take root in my heart.
Written July 29, 2017
Yesterday I talked about the willingness part of letting go with love. Today I want to address our expectations in love relationships as well as other friendships.
Taking or accepting responsibility for my unrealistic expectations entails at the very least:
- Accepting responsibility for loving another who cannot possibly guarantee that nothing will happen in the future to prevent them from fulfilling our contract (explicit, implicit or imagined in my own head).
Most of us form deep friendships, including a marriage/partnership friendship, with the intention and expectation that the friendship will grow deeper with time. We also assume that the both parties are well aware that they are humans. We cannot avoid knowing that humans get ill, died, have or are involved in accidents and are on an evolving journey. Obviously, there is no reason to be surprised when a life event shows up to change or end the friendship. Sometime the end of a friendship comes about because the behavior of one person triggered the feelings associated with the memory of a traumatic event which feels too painful to re-experience. Sometimes the end of a friendship comes because one person is unavailable emotionally and someone else volunteers to be their emotional rock. Sometimes one unexpectedly experiences a “call” to take their life in another direction.
Sadly, just because there is no reason to be surprised does not prevent one from being shocked, hurt, feeling betrayed, and suddenly experiencing hate where love may have resided just yesterday. If not careful when this happens one “throws out the baby with the bathwater”. In an effort to avoid the old pain one throws out or ends the friendship. There is no discussion, room to negotiate or door left often to reconnect. Just recently this happened with a couple I know. The person who had been triggered plainly said that she felt no emotional connection with their partner at all even though shortly before being triggered she has professed her unconditional love.
When someone behaves in this manner it is tempting to respond in kind. Ironically A experiences the humanness of B who then experiences the humanness of A. A is suddenly very conditional with their love. B responds to A’s conditional love with conditional love. A has allowed B’s behavior to determine their response and B then allows A’s behavior to determine their response. Each finds out that their love is very conditional.
If A or B has been blessed with the ability to then stand back and observe their behavior from the vantage point of their core values (core values which include loving unconditionally) they may then be able to reconnect their behavior with their core values and accept that even though they are sad the person is the same human that they loved. They may then be able to refocus on loving unconditionally.
- Accepting responsibility for my expectation that each of us will continue to grow emotionally and spiritually but only within the confines of what I understood to be my legitimate agreement/contract.
No matter what I tell myself the more deeply I love the more expectations I have. If it is a love relationship I expect:
- The person I love will not change dramatically. They will not be hijacked by a new spiritual mission/goal, by another person or by some other mission which takes them away from our relationship. They will, of course, grow but they will grow within the context of their commitment to our relationships.
- The person I love will not – I repeat will not – die before I do. Life, fate, the Gods must play fair and allow us both to die of natural causes within seconds of each other with no human assistance in dying.
- The person I love will not have an illness such as addiction which hijacks them resulting in putting our love second or third.
- The person I love will not develop a permanent, chronic condition which steals their ability to be nurturing, satisfy my sexual needs, share in the building and maintenance of the home and in taking care of children (if any).
- The beautiful, sexy, physically fit, passionate person I love will not ever, for any reason, morph into this overweight, sloppy, unfit, sexless, exhausted co-parent or beer drinking, hang out with one’s buddies, slug of an unattractive person.
Sadly, if I dig deep enough I could dig up another ten, twenty or thirty expectations which limit what I am claiming is my unconditional love. Although these expectations do not fit my perception of myself as this spiritually evolved person who is able to love unconditionally, the truth is the truth. I may struggle to share my expectations with myself much less with anyone else. Yet, share them with myself I must if I am to quit blaming the other person for my conditional love. If I am to move closer to unconditional love I must begin with this harsh, eye opening level of honestly.
Today I am not as conditional as I was even a year ago, but I am still more conditional than I want to be. The main progress I have made is in this area is honestly which then leads to being able to accept responsibility for and focus on my limitations rather than holding on to the temporary insanity of acting as if I am in a place to judge others for their unwillingness or inability to love unconditionally. As I move towards loving unconditionally I am more able to let go with love. At first this may be mainly a cognitive process but like all other habits if I keep sincerely practicing it will take root in my heart.
Written July 29, 2017
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