Lies we tell ourselves about money
I was talking to a friend yesterday who mentioned in a imessage that he had never been able to make and stick with a budget. I was talking to another friend this morning who has a lot of debt, but will buy clothes and other things he does not need rather than paying down on his debt. Yet, another friend of mine struggles with paying off debt and, thus, saving the money she now pays in interest. None of these individuals are lacking in the skills or intelligence that they need to change their relationships with money. Yet, they, like many others, struggle with managing their money. Their money management habits cause them a lot of stress and shame, sometimes trapping them in jobs or other relationships which they do not find satisfying.
This morning, while at the gym, I opened the Ted talks app to a talk by Tammy Lally entitled “Let’s get honest about our money problems.”. She talks about what she and her siblings learned about money while children. In her family, as in many families, the finances of the family were a closely guarded secret. We all know that when we have negative secrets there is likely to be feelings of shame. When Ms. Lally’s brother was struggling with money issues she had a tough love talk with him. He later had more money issues and eventually committed suicide leaving a young child, a wife and many bills. Ms. Lally later concluded that he needed compassion and not tough love. She also discovered when she lost her job in the big crash that she, too, had a lot of shame issues connected with money.
The amount of money we have or the amount of money we are perceived to have far too often determines our sense of worth. We have learned from the time we were very young that:
Just this morning when reading the local newspaper, I read that “vagrants” had been living in an abandoned building. Only once in the article the term homeless was used to describe the same people. The word vagrant is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as “A person without a settled home or regular work who wanders from place to place and lives by begging.” What the article does not initially say is that they are talking about a person who may be homeless for a number of reasons. These may include those who:
If honest, many in our community are just one paycheck away from being homeless (vagrants) if they do not have friends or family who could provide housing for them. As we know from the most recent financial crisis in the United States many people define themselves by the amount of income and paper wealth. When they lost that income or paper wealth, they could not live with the consequent internalized shame and committed suicide.
From 1999 to 2014 the suicide rate in the United States increased 24% to 13 per 100,000. I did not find any statistics that indicated how many of these suicides were, as was true for Ms. Lally’s brother, directly related to shame about their relationship with money and the messages associated with that relationship.
The bottom line is that all of us need to be clear about the messages we have internalized about our relationship with money; about the lies we have internalized regarding the relationship between self worth and money or the perception of having money.
Written September 4, 2018
I was talking to a friend yesterday who mentioned in a imessage that he had never been able to make and stick with a budget. I was talking to another friend this morning who has a lot of debt, but will buy clothes and other things he does not need rather than paying down on his debt. Yet, another friend of mine struggles with paying off debt and, thus, saving the money she now pays in interest. None of these individuals are lacking in the skills or intelligence that they need to change their relationships with money. Yet, they, like many others, struggle with managing their money. Their money management habits cause them a lot of stress and shame, sometimes trapping them in jobs or other relationships which they do not find satisfying.
This morning, while at the gym, I opened the Ted talks app to a talk by Tammy Lally entitled “Let’s get honest about our money problems.”. She talks about what she and her siblings learned about money while children. In her family, as in many families, the finances of the family were a closely guarded secret. We all know that when we have negative secrets there is likely to be feelings of shame. When Ms. Lally’s brother was struggling with money issues she had a tough love talk with him. He later had more money issues and eventually committed suicide leaving a young child, a wife and many bills. Ms. Lally later concluded that he needed compassion and not tough love. She also discovered when she lost her job in the big crash that she, too, had a lot of shame issues connected with money.
The amount of money we have or the amount of money we are perceived to have far too often determines our sense of worth. We have learned from the time we were very young that:
- Successful people – sans Mother Theresa – make a substantial amount of money.
- Successful people have a nice (large, well appointed) home, an expensive car, and elegant clothes.
- Successful people are respected by others in the community.
- Successful people are good people.
- God rewards good people materially.
- Successful people look perpetually young, happy, and have fabulous romantic lives.
- God loves successful people.
Just this morning when reading the local newspaper, I read that “vagrants” had been living in an abandoned building. Only once in the article the term homeless was used to describe the same people. The word vagrant is defined by the Oxford Dictionary as “A person without a settled home or regular work who wanders from place to place and lives by begging.” What the article does not initially say is that they are talking about a person who may be homeless for a number of reasons. These may include those who:
- Have fallen into the trap of trying to prove that they are successful and, thus, a good person, by living beyond their means, losing their job and becoming homeless.
- Have, because of mental illness, been unable to support themselves and, for a variety of reasons, have not been helped to get disability and access to housing under government programs.
- Have because of an addicted disorder been unable to maintain a job and have no money for a house.
- Have become disillusioned with the “rat race”; have not found a sense of purpose which is meaningful.
- Do not have a trust fund or wealthy family members who keep them hidden or who support their belief that they were meant to just enjoy the riches of their birthright.
- Have such acute grief, PTSD or other pain that they cannot function in traditional society.
- Have not found their way to one of the intentional communities which work together to take care of each other without having to make it in the rat race.
If honest, many in our community are just one paycheck away from being homeless (vagrants) if they do not have friends or family who could provide housing for them. As we know from the most recent financial crisis in the United States many people define themselves by the amount of income and paper wealth. When they lost that income or paper wealth, they could not live with the consequent internalized shame and committed suicide.
From 1999 to 2014 the suicide rate in the United States increased 24% to 13 per 100,000. I did not find any statistics that indicated how many of these suicides were, as was true for Ms. Lally’s brother, directly related to shame about their relationship with money and the messages associated with that relationship.
The bottom line is that all of us need to be clear about the messages we have internalized about our relationship with money; about the lies we have internalized regarding the relationship between self worth and money or the perception of having money.
Written September 4, 2018
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