Life on life’s terms
Readers of this blog know that I often refer those with an active addiction to a 12-step recover program. I also sometimes attend 12-step meetings both for my own edification and to keep me abreast of the program. It is my belief that I need to stay very current with what is going on with any programs to which I refer individuals. I certainly do not want to refer anyone to any person or program which I would not use for myself or a family member should the need arise.
If one is around 12-step recovery folks very often one will hear the phrase “life on life’s terms”. I understand this phrase as a reminder that if one is going to have a life free of active addiction or other misery one is going to have to accept that “life shows up” and that on can either find healthy ways of accepting and dealing with whatever shows up or one continue with one’s particular form of misery.
Accepting life on life’s terms will result in:
Just because one has made and followed through with decisions to deal with one’s addiction or other issues does not mean that one is spared difficult events for the rest of one’s life. Death, illness, forces of nature such as floods, hurricanes, storms, tornadoes, relationship issues and other “normal” life events/issues will show up no matter what we do or don’t do. Just this morning I talked to someone whose husband is 62 and has worked for a company for many years which is now being bought out by another company. The managers of the new company might or might not choose to keep him as an employee. Also, this morning I talked to someone whose adult son had finally gotten a job but when he went in for his first day of work and was asked to take another drug test he refused and was let go. No matter how much his parents attempt to help him this young man cannot, for whatever reason, allow himself to get into recovery. Recently I saw a woman whose thought she had all her ducks lined up to ensure a long, happy and prosperous life, but her partner suddenly committed suicide. In the local newspaper, there was the announcement today of the death of a 11-year-old child. While at the gym, I listened to the podcast of the story of the ongoing recovery efforts following a flood which devastated most of a town. In some parts of the world, millions of refugees face an unknown future.
These examples remind us, no matter who we are, where we are, our level of education, financial status or how much practice living our spiritual values, life shows up. It also shows up in the magic of the scent, shape and color of all the summer blossoms. It shows up in the magic of the seed which direct the production of a vegetables or fruit. It shows up in an act of random kindness. It shows up in the delight of a child as he or she makes amazing discoveries using all their available senses.
I was just reminded this morning that living life on life’s terms does not mean shutting down emotionally and ignoring feelings such as sadness, disappointment, grief, and fear. What I attempted to teach my son was:
My attempt to communicate this sometimes got interrupted by others as giving him the standard male message to deny one’s feelings. That was certainly not the message I was attempting to communicate. My friend Becky is a very good example of a healthy relationships with one’s emotions. She frequently shares what she is feeling as I do with her. Yet, she never allows any emotions to dictate her ability to accomplish tasks. She has, for example, been faced with the death of those in her family or circle of love who are fairly young and those who are older. She never fails to acknowledged both her sadness and her gratitude (gratitude for the time they did share on this life journey) and yet she is often the first one to offer and give practical help while, if possible, also following through on prior commitments. Naturally, at times she has to cancel or reschedule prior commitments to do something for the family who has experienced a tragic event. She can set aside her grief when necessary, but that is not the same as denying it.
It seems many females find it easier than many of we males to accept that they can both honor their feelings and continue to do what needs to be done. We males seems too often get the message that we have to “stay tough” and deny that we have a heart as well as brawn. Invariably we males who take this approach find that we get less rather than more done. Any energy we are using to deny our feelings is not available for other tasks.
It is important to remind myself and to support others of the following truths:
Written June 22, 2017
Readers of this blog know that I often refer those with an active addiction to a 12-step recover program. I also sometimes attend 12-step meetings both for my own edification and to keep me abreast of the program. It is my belief that I need to stay very current with what is going on with any programs to which I refer individuals. I certainly do not want to refer anyone to any person or program which I would not use for myself or a family member should the need arise.
If one is around 12-step recovery folks very often one will hear the phrase “life on life’s terms”. I understand this phrase as a reminder that if one is going to have a life free of active addiction or other misery one is going to have to accept that “life shows up” and that on can either find healthy ways of accepting and dealing with whatever shows up or one continue with one’s particular form of misery.
Accepting life on life’s terms will result in:
- Letting go of personalized victim thinking such as:
- God or the universe is picking on me more than others.
- Why me? I am a good person? I don’t deserve bad things happing to me.
- I am always given more than anyone can be expected to handle.
- Only bad things happen to me.
- Gathering the emotional and spiritual tools one needs to cope with changing conditions or situations.
- Being willing to ask for and accept help when one is feeling overwhelmed.
- Take responsibility for deciding to ignore issues which need addressed until there is a crisis and then crying “poor me”.
Just because one has made and followed through with decisions to deal with one’s addiction or other issues does not mean that one is spared difficult events for the rest of one’s life. Death, illness, forces of nature such as floods, hurricanes, storms, tornadoes, relationship issues and other “normal” life events/issues will show up no matter what we do or don’t do. Just this morning I talked to someone whose husband is 62 and has worked for a company for many years which is now being bought out by another company. The managers of the new company might or might not choose to keep him as an employee. Also, this morning I talked to someone whose adult son had finally gotten a job but when he went in for his first day of work and was asked to take another drug test he refused and was let go. No matter how much his parents attempt to help him this young man cannot, for whatever reason, allow himself to get into recovery. Recently I saw a woman whose thought she had all her ducks lined up to ensure a long, happy and prosperous life, but her partner suddenly committed suicide. In the local newspaper, there was the announcement today of the death of a 11-year-old child. While at the gym, I listened to the podcast of the story of the ongoing recovery efforts following a flood which devastated most of a town. In some parts of the world, millions of refugees face an unknown future.
These examples remind us, no matter who we are, where we are, our level of education, financial status or how much practice living our spiritual values, life shows up. It also shows up in the magic of the scent, shape and color of all the summer blossoms. It shows up in the magic of the seed which direct the production of a vegetables or fruit. It shows up in an act of random kindness. It shows up in the delight of a child as he or she makes amazing discoveries using all their available senses.
I was just reminded this morning that living life on life’s terms does not mean shutting down emotionally and ignoring feelings such as sadness, disappointment, grief, and fear. What I attempted to teach my son was:
- Honor one’s feelings and freely express them in safe places.
- Do not allow your feeling to control you. One can do what one needs to do even if one is sad, fearful, anxious or has other feelings.
My attempt to communicate this sometimes got interrupted by others as giving him the standard male message to deny one’s feelings. That was certainly not the message I was attempting to communicate. My friend Becky is a very good example of a healthy relationships with one’s emotions. She frequently shares what she is feeling as I do with her. Yet, she never allows any emotions to dictate her ability to accomplish tasks. She has, for example, been faced with the death of those in her family or circle of love who are fairly young and those who are older. She never fails to acknowledged both her sadness and her gratitude (gratitude for the time they did share on this life journey) and yet she is often the first one to offer and give practical help while, if possible, also following through on prior commitments. Naturally, at times she has to cancel or reschedule prior commitments to do something for the family who has experienced a tragic event. She can set aside her grief when necessary, but that is not the same as denying it.
It seems many females find it easier than many of we males to accept that they can both honor their feelings and continue to do what needs to be done. We males seems too often get the message that we have to “stay tough” and deny that we have a heart as well as brawn. Invariably we males who take this approach find that we get less rather than more done. Any energy we are using to deny our feelings is not available for other tasks.
It is important to remind myself and to support others of the following truths:
- Our hearts – our ability to care – is the core of building family and community.
- When we honor our hearts, we have a variety of feelings – love, hurt, sadness, grief, disappointment, joy, laughter and more.
- We are stronger that we feel.
- Honoring our feelings allows us to be stronger and does not weaken us.
- We do better when we allow others to emotionally (and sometime practically) give us emotional and spiritual support.
- We can do life on life’s terms
Written June 22, 2017
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