Life shows up
Recently I was at the funeral home paying respects to a woman whose husband had recently died. Although it seems silly or redundant to say that it was an unexpected death, this was a very healthy 51 year old man who did everything right in terms of taking care of himself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Later I was talking with a client who is struggling with the fact that she needs to make a decision. No matter what decision she makes she and other affected people are not going to feel good. This woman is a very kind, responsible person and, yet, she finds herself at a crossroads. She must choose a road to travel. No matter what decision she makes there is going to be emotional hurt. She is a person who likes to do everything possible to ensure that everyone whose life she touches feels comforted and well taken care of. Still later I was talking to someone whose estranged partner is dealing with what appears to be an addiction to alcohol. He is broken hearted.
The newspaper tells me of floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, and an alarming murder rate in such cities as Chicago.
Daily we all confronted with life events over which we have no control. True we might sometimes be able to take some action which might mitigate some life events in the future, but no matter what, all of us are going to face many life events which seem unfair, untimely and without purpose. Often these events leave much physical and/or emotional destruction for us to somehow incorporate in our life dance.
Once again I am reminded of the 12 steps of alcoholic anonymous and other recovery programs. The first step of the program states:
“We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.”
We can easily substitute any number of life events for the word alcohol. As long as we decide that we can only manage our lives when or if we can control an additive disorder without having to quit the addictive behavior, the course of life itself, other people or situations we are going to experience our lives as unmanageable. Many of us have the habit of refusing to accept that we cannot control other people, places and things. We cannot accept that no matter what we do or don’t do life events over which we have no control are going to present themselves. If we are predisposed to alcoholism, for example, we are not going to be able to safely have a drink. No matter how much we redesign buildings we are not going to prevent all the damage of a large scale earthquake or hurricane. In spite of our most loving and nurturing behavior, people about whom we care are going to die of an illness, an accident or the seemingly senseless act of someone else. No matter how carefully we plan, unexpected events over which we have no control will continue to show up and rearrange our schedules and our life as a whole.
The problem is not, of course, life events or even other people, places or things. Often the problem, in my experience, is that we do not want to change our expectations. I expect:
· To outlive my children.
· For my spouse/partner to take care of themselves and live longer than they will.
· To be able to be part of a community which is able to design earthquake and flood proof buildings.
· To stay physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy until we die even if that is not until we are 100.
· Other people to do their job the way we think it should be done.
· To be the chosen ones who are rewarded for doing the next right thing – rewarded in the time frame and manner we decide is fair and appropriate.
· To be offended or seen as a victim when life is not fair by our standards.
One could go on and on with this list but I am sure that the reader can make their own list. The point is that no matter how much we plan, how much homework we do, how well we take care of ourselves, or how well we design buildings and other parts of the community, life is going to show up and remind us that we are not in charge. We have a choice to either accept that or to make ourselves and everyone around us miserable because we are being picked on – to demonstrate that we are miserable persons who are not deserving of negative life events. We should not be those who have an addiction or some other illness, suffers the loss of a loved one, loses a job, has to deal with a hurricane, earthquake or some other natural event.
The purpose of the first step of the 12-step program is to help one escape the victim role. Life is going to show up in the form of addictive disorders, other medical issues, earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, accidents and many other events, situations, and challenged people. We can try to prepare for the unexpected but we cannot prepare for everything. We can attempt to measure whether life is fair, complain that we have more than our share of life events or we can expect that such events will show up and do our best to accept and deal with life as it shows up. We can get help for some conditions and events. Others we just have to muddle through as best we can. Hopefully, we help take care of each other when life shows up. That will make the journey easier. Hopefully, in the midst of tragic events we find the pot of gold in the form of a warm embrace, a smile, a laugh, a hug, a listening ear or the offer of the sharing of a cup of soup. That we can control. I am reminded of the famous serenity prayer as penned by Reinhold Niebuhr:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
Written September 3, 2016
Recently I was at the funeral home paying respects to a woman whose husband had recently died. Although it seems silly or redundant to say that it was an unexpected death, this was a very healthy 51 year old man who did everything right in terms of taking care of himself physically, emotionally and spiritually. Later I was talking with a client who is struggling with the fact that she needs to make a decision. No matter what decision she makes she and other affected people are not going to feel good. This woman is a very kind, responsible person and, yet, she finds herself at a crossroads. She must choose a road to travel. No matter what decision she makes there is going to be emotional hurt. She is a person who likes to do everything possible to ensure that everyone whose life she touches feels comforted and well taken care of. Still later I was talking to someone whose estranged partner is dealing with what appears to be an addiction to alcohol. He is broken hearted.
The newspaper tells me of floods, hurricanes, earthquakes, and an alarming murder rate in such cities as Chicago.
Daily we all confronted with life events over which we have no control. True we might sometimes be able to take some action which might mitigate some life events in the future, but no matter what, all of us are going to face many life events which seem unfair, untimely and without purpose. Often these events leave much physical and/or emotional destruction for us to somehow incorporate in our life dance.
Once again I am reminded of the 12 steps of alcoholic anonymous and other recovery programs. The first step of the program states:
“We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.”
We can easily substitute any number of life events for the word alcohol. As long as we decide that we can only manage our lives when or if we can control an additive disorder without having to quit the addictive behavior, the course of life itself, other people or situations we are going to experience our lives as unmanageable. Many of us have the habit of refusing to accept that we cannot control other people, places and things. We cannot accept that no matter what we do or don’t do life events over which we have no control are going to present themselves. If we are predisposed to alcoholism, for example, we are not going to be able to safely have a drink. No matter how much we redesign buildings we are not going to prevent all the damage of a large scale earthquake or hurricane. In spite of our most loving and nurturing behavior, people about whom we care are going to die of an illness, an accident or the seemingly senseless act of someone else. No matter how carefully we plan, unexpected events over which we have no control will continue to show up and rearrange our schedules and our life as a whole.
The problem is not, of course, life events or even other people, places or things. Often the problem, in my experience, is that we do not want to change our expectations. I expect:
· To outlive my children.
· For my spouse/partner to take care of themselves and live longer than they will.
· To be able to be part of a community which is able to design earthquake and flood proof buildings.
· To stay physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy until we die even if that is not until we are 100.
· Other people to do their job the way we think it should be done.
· To be the chosen ones who are rewarded for doing the next right thing – rewarded in the time frame and manner we decide is fair and appropriate.
· To be offended or seen as a victim when life is not fair by our standards.
One could go on and on with this list but I am sure that the reader can make their own list. The point is that no matter how much we plan, how much homework we do, how well we take care of ourselves, or how well we design buildings and other parts of the community, life is going to show up and remind us that we are not in charge. We have a choice to either accept that or to make ourselves and everyone around us miserable because we are being picked on – to demonstrate that we are miserable persons who are not deserving of negative life events. We should not be those who have an addiction or some other illness, suffers the loss of a loved one, loses a job, has to deal with a hurricane, earthquake or some other natural event.
The purpose of the first step of the 12-step program is to help one escape the victim role. Life is going to show up in the form of addictive disorders, other medical issues, earthquakes, hurricanes, floods, accidents and many other events, situations, and challenged people. We can try to prepare for the unexpected but we cannot prepare for everything. We can attempt to measure whether life is fair, complain that we have more than our share of life events or we can expect that such events will show up and do our best to accept and deal with life as it shows up. We can get help for some conditions and events. Others we just have to muddle through as best we can. Hopefully, we help take care of each other when life shows up. That will make the journey easier. Hopefully, in the midst of tragic events we find the pot of gold in the form of a warm embrace, a smile, a laugh, a hug, a listening ear or the offer of the sharing of a cup of soup. That we can control. I am reminded of the famous serenity prayer as penned by Reinhold Niebuhr:
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
Amen.
Written September 3, 2016
RSS Feed