Listening while having a discussion
If I have learned nothing else as a friend and as a therapist over the past seven decades, it is that all of us humans (and I assume other animals) appreciate being heard. I have previously written about the fact we “hear” with our minds. Clearly we need a mechanism for the sound waves to enter our brain. For us humans and many other animals this mechanism which has the rather magical ability to capture sound waves and to transmit them to our brain are all the parts of the system which begins with our ears. Of course, the sound waves have to be both within the range and frequency ability of the particular animal.
Most words or other sounds that are transmitted to our brains have a detailed history which we have stored. This history may include not only the sounds, but color, light, smell, taste, and the emotions associated with the event or situation which we have stored in our memory. For example, if someone uses the word coffee table I may immediately call up the wonderful coffee table which was present in the room when I proposed to my first and only love. I “melt” when I hear the word coffee table. One might observe me exhibiting an enormous grin, smiling eyes and suddenly seeming to be six feet tall. On the other hand if I was repeatedly thrown against a coffee table by an abusive partner or parent, the word would bring up emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, and confusion. The moment before hearing that word I may have been laughing and very emotionally present. Once I hear the word I am acting as if I am again in that dangerous situation. The person(s) with whom I have been spending time may be very confused and frightened by my sudden change of mood and temperament. Furthermore, once I react to the word coffee table I may not hear anything else the other person says. It is no wonder we so often do not hear what another person was attempting to convey to us. Consequently, all might benefit from some active listening exercise. This requires one to practice mirroring or repeating back exactly what one heard. The goal, of course, is to practice listening for the word and to not formulate a response after hearing a triggering word. The other goal is to be able to show the person that they have been heard. Thus, If I say, “I am blue.” the other person would respond, “You are blue.” One does not add to or subtract from this statement. One does not comment on what they heard, tell them what one thinks of what they said,. One also does not debate, argue or try to fix them. The goal of active listening is to just listen and let the other person know that one’s only goal at that moment is to be present to what they are saying/expressing. It sounds as if this should be a simple process, but this does not mean it is easy. It is not. As a clinician and in my personal relationships I need to constantly remind myself to “just listen” and let the other person know I heard what they were saying.
This works well when the person to whom one is listening is expressing feelings or offering an opinion about an event, something that happened, a piece of music and or a piece of art. Of course, if it is an opinion about how well Joshua Bell played a piece on the violin and one is talking to an expert music critic, one may have heard quite a different piece of music than the professional critic heard.
Occasionally one will mistake active listening with needing to agree with everything another person says. One may, for example, say that I think we should purchase x shares of Apple Stock. Active listening requires that I be able to hear and understand that the other person thinks that we should purchase X shares of Apple stock. I may reply “I hear you saying that you think we should buy x shares of Apple stock. I disagree for the following reasons.” If the other person then responds, “You never listen. I just need you to listen. Do you always have to argue with me?” then one needs to suggest that the agreement is to make joint decisions when investing joint money in stocks. This is not about active listening. Now it FEELS as if you are attempting to bullying me into agreeing. I am sure that it is not what you intend, but that is how it feels. I am not saying your reasons are wrong and mine right, but I am not comfortable investing in Apple Stock until I know what changes they have made in the working conditions of the employees in the Apple factory in China.”
The distinction between bullying and the request for active listening may not always be so clear. One may just need to let the other person know that one needs to step back, clear one’s mind and again try to hear them. If it still seems like bullying then one may need to share that it FEELS that way.
As with all else, none of us are going to be perfect active listeners or always loving, considerate, rational, fair debaters! Thus, there are some basic suggestions to keep in mind. These include:
· Don’t assume the other person is out to get you or bully you.
Assume the best of intentions.
· Do one’s best to bring along a sense of humor. We are going to often stumble through this communication process. Laugh with each other and not at each other.
· Take frequent breaks with a commitment to come back to the discussion at a specific time and place. Do not say “Let’s get back to this sometime.” “Sometimes” seldom arrives.
· If given the opportunity sign up for an active listening class or workshop. I have benefited from attending workshops with such teachers as Steve Covey. I have also benefited from his books as well as some of the books by the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron.
Written August 11, 2017
If I have learned nothing else as a friend and as a therapist over the past seven decades, it is that all of us humans (and I assume other animals) appreciate being heard. I have previously written about the fact we “hear” with our minds. Clearly we need a mechanism for the sound waves to enter our brain. For us humans and many other animals this mechanism which has the rather magical ability to capture sound waves and to transmit them to our brain are all the parts of the system which begins with our ears. Of course, the sound waves have to be both within the range and frequency ability of the particular animal.
Most words or other sounds that are transmitted to our brains have a detailed history which we have stored. This history may include not only the sounds, but color, light, smell, taste, and the emotions associated with the event or situation which we have stored in our memory. For example, if someone uses the word coffee table I may immediately call up the wonderful coffee table which was present in the room when I proposed to my first and only love. I “melt” when I hear the word coffee table. One might observe me exhibiting an enormous grin, smiling eyes and suddenly seeming to be six feet tall. On the other hand if I was repeatedly thrown against a coffee table by an abusive partner or parent, the word would bring up emotions such as fear, anger, sadness, and confusion. The moment before hearing that word I may have been laughing and very emotionally present. Once I hear the word I am acting as if I am again in that dangerous situation. The person(s) with whom I have been spending time may be very confused and frightened by my sudden change of mood and temperament. Furthermore, once I react to the word coffee table I may not hear anything else the other person says. It is no wonder we so often do not hear what another person was attempting to convey to us. Consequently, all might benefit from some active listening exercise. This requires one to practice mirroring or repeating back exactly what one heard. The goal, of course, is to practice listening for the word and to not formulate a response after hearing a triggering word. The other goal is to be able to show the person that they have been heard. Thus, If I say, “I am blue.” the other person would respond, “You are blue.” One does not add to or subtract from this statement. One does not comment on what they heard, tell them what one thinks of what they said,. One also does not debate, argue or try to fix them. The goal of active listening is to just listen and let the other person know that one’s only goal at that moment is to be present to what they are saying/expressing. It sounds as if this should be a simple process, but this does not mean it is easy. It is not. As a clinician and in my personal relationships I need to constantly remind myself to “just listen” and let the other person know I heard what they were saying.
This works well when the person to whom one is listening is expressing feelings or offering an opinion about an event, something that happened, a piece of music and or a piece of art. Of course, if it is an opinion about how well Joshua Bell played a piece on the violin and one is talking to an expert music critic, one may have heard quite a different piece of music than the professional critic heard.
Occasionally one will mistake active listening with needing to agree with everything another person says. One may, for example, say that I think we should purchase x shares of Apple Stock. Active listening requires that I be able to hear and understand that the other person thinks that we should purchase X shares of Apple stock. I may reply “I hear you saying that you think we should buy x shares of Apple stock. I disagree for the following reasons.” If the other person then responds, “You never listen. I just need you to listen. Do you always have to argue with me?” then one needs to suggest that the agreement is to make joint decisions when investing joint money in stocks. This is not about active listening. Now it FEELS as if you are attempting to bullying me into agreeing. I am sure that it is not what you intend, but that is how it feels. I am not saying your reasons are wrong and mine right, but I am not comfortable investing in Apple Stock until I know what changes they have made in the working conditions of the employees in the Apple factory in China.”
The distinction between bullying and the request for active listening may not always be so clear. One may just need to let the other person know that one needs to step back, clear one’s mind and again try to hear them. If it still seems like bullying then one may need to share that it FEELS that way.
As with all else, none of us are going to be perfect active listeners or always loving, considerate, rational, fair debaters! Thus, there are some basic suggestions to keep in mind. These include:
· Don’t assume the other person is out to get you or bully you.
Assume the best of intentions.
· Do one’s best to bring along a sense of humor. We are going to often stumble through this communication process. Laugh with each other and not at each other.
· Take frequent breaks with a commitment to come back to the discussion at a specific time and place. Do not say “Let’s get back to this sometime.” “Sometimes” seldom arrives.
· If given the opportunity sign up for an active listening class or workshop. I have benefited from attending workshops with such teachers as Steve Covey. I have also benefited from his books as well as some of the books by the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron.
Written August 11, 2017
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