Living life as a victim
If listening, most of us, at some point in our lives, may have heard ourselves say, “If only …, then some part of my life would be better or less stressful. We may blame our own past mistakes, the actions or lack of actions of our parents, our children, life circumstances such as an accident or an illness, or some other person, event or circumstances for the fact that we cannot be successful or have the life we want and deserve. We may sometimes notice that “if only” is accompanied by anger and resentments.
It is true that mental illness such as depression, addiction or some other disease which affects the brain may make it more difficult for us to focus on positives or for us to trust we have the power to create a life with meaning and of which we can be proud. Depression, as I have formerly discussed in past blogs, blocks out the automatic experience of color and time. Color represents the positives which exist alongside the very real hardships and emotional hurts with which life may presents. Color balances the darkness and can even spill over into the darkness. I was reminded of this fact while talking to a friend this morning. She had just attended the funeral of a favorite relative and remarked that it was a very loving and happy celebration of the life of this man. Although she and others were sad that they would no longer have the company of this very loving man, they were focused on all the gifts of love and positive life lessons he had given them while living. This same friend of mine has made many unplanned changes in her life. She is one of those very blessed persons who is always able to find color (joy). She may temporarily get exhausted, frustrated or sad, but she finds the proverbial silver lining. If she suffered from clinical depression or some other illness which affected her brain function she would find it much more difficult to focus on the positives.
Depression also blocks the automatic experience of the sense of movement of events. Without the clinical effect of depression or some other illness on the brain when darkness appears one “knows” that prior to darkness there was light and light will eventually overtake the darkness. With depression and some illnesses, the brain says, “It is dark now. It has always been dark and it will always be dark.” Wow! Depression is depressing!
A person with an illness that affects how one experiences life, can learn that, with certain illnesses, one has to switch to manual mode and painstakingly correct the misperceptions or lies. If one does not do this, one will develop the habit of reinforcing the lies. If the perception is that it is all darkness, then one has to force oneself to acknowledge the positives. For example, since I always have fresh flowers I might say to the person, “See if you can find the fresh flowers or something else which is positive (has color).” One does have to be careful. If a person has bad allergies to most flowers that might not be something positive for them.
Of course, one wants to explain how the brain works and why one is making such suggestions. Otherwise the brain of the depressed person might just hear one criticizing them. They might say, “See, I cannot even see or perceive correctly. You are saying that I do that wrong also.”
The person with a disorder which affects perception/experience may attempt to explain their unhappiness by blaming a parent, spouse/partner, child, boss or some person. No matter what is going on they may think it is because the person did X or did not do Y. They may say, as did someone with whom I was talking the other night, “If my mother would just love me the way I need to be loved, I would be able to feel good about life and quit being so negative or otherwise sabotaging myself. If my father would quit doing everything for me I would have to act like an adult.” In other words, it seems to him that it is their fault that he cannot have the life he wants and deserves. Either they do too much or not enough. I was able to remind him of another possible truth -He is a very capable adult. He could work a solid addiction recovery program, continue to work with his physician on treatment of his depression and do whatever he needs to do to find gainful employments. Indeed, he might already have a job if he can pass the drug test and be emotionally and physically present for a job. He has chosen to take help from his parents and to accept the lie of his brain 12 step recovery program(or some other system for identifying and correcting the habit of believing that he is a victim) is not for him. When he gets frustrated or frightened he is likely to drink and/or engage in self-pity and blame. If not careful, the people, such as his mother, that he blames will get defensive and respond with anger which further “justifies” his anger. His anger then “justified” their increased anger. One gets the picture.
We can see the same dynamic going on in many political campaigns. The focus is often on blaming rather than offering creative, realistic options.
No one chooses to have an illness which affects how they experience the world. No one chooses to have depression, an addictive disorder, a brain tumor or some other disorder. Similarly, no one chooses to be musically or otherwise artistically gifted. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. We all have different life circumstances. It is our responsibility to get the help we need to learn how to make the most of our strengths and not allow our weaknesses to keep us from claiming the life we deserve.
There is no denying that life is more difficult for some people than others. I cannot imagine what life is like for many refugees who are fleeing war and other terrible life threatening conditions. I cannot imagine sending a young child off on a boat by themselves knowing that they may die on their journey and that they may not get the help they need even if they do arrive safely to another place. I cannot know what it is life to live with a chronic severe mental illness. I have not had to live with those hardships. I cannot pretend that I do know. Anyone who had lived with those situations or conditions deserves my respect and support. They do not, however, deserve or need my pity. It is also not helpful to:
One does, of course want to:
One’s life dance does not have to be defined as that of a victim. None of us have to be defined by an illness or condition. We can help each other LIVE with a condition or set of circumstances rather than dying or just existing from that illness or condition.
Written August 5, 2016
If listening, most of us, at some point in our lives, may have heard ourselves say, “If only …, then some part of my life would be better or less stressful. We may blame our own past mistakes, the actions or lack of actions of our parents, our children, life circumstances such as an accident or an illness, or some other person, event or circumstances for the fact that we cannot be successful or have the life we want and deserve. We may sometimes notice that “if only” is accompanied by anger and resentments.
It is true that mental illness such as depression, addiction or some other disease which affects the brain may make it more difficult for us to focus on positives or for us to trust we have the power to create a life with meaning and of which we can be proud. Depression, as I have formerly discussed in past blogs, blocks out the automatic experience of color and time. Color represents the positives which exist alongside the very real hardships and emotional hurts with which life may presents. Color balances the darkness and can even spill over into the darkness. I was reminded of this fact while talking to a friend this morning. She had just attended the funeral of a favorite relative and remarked that it was a very loving and happy celebration of the life of this man. Although she and others were sad that they would no longer have the company of this very loving man, they were focused on all the gifts of love and positive life lessons he had given them while living. This same friend of mine has made many unplanned changes in her life. She is one of those very blessed persons who is always able to find color (joy). She may temporarily get exhausted, frustrated or sad, but she finds the proverbial silver lining. If she suffered from clinical depression or some other illness which affected her brain function she would find it much more difficult to focus on the positives.
Depression also blocks the automatic experience of the sense of movement of events. Without the clinical effect of depression or some other illness on the brain when darkness appears one “knows” that prior to darkness there was light and light will eventually overtake the darkness. With depression and some illnesses, the brain says, “It is dark now. It has always been dark and it will always be dark.” Wow! Depression is depressing!
A person with an illness that affects how one experiences life, can learn that, with certain illnesses, one has to switch to manual mode and painstakingly correct the misperceptions or lies. If one does not do this, one will develop the habit of reinforcing the lies. If the perception is that it is all darkness, then one has to force oneself to acknowledge the positives. For example, since I always have fresh flowers I might say to the person, “See if you can find the fresh flowers or something else which is positive (has color).” One does have to be careful. If a person has bad allergies to most flowers that might not be something positive for them.
Of course, one wants to explain how the brain works and why one is making such suggestions. Otherwise the brain of the depressed person might just hear one criticizing them. They might say, “See, I cannot even see or perceive correctly. You are saying that I do that wrong also.”
The person with a disorder which affects perception/experience may attempt to explain their unhappiness by blaming a parent, spouse/partner, child, boss or some person. No matter what is going on they may think it is because the person did X or did not do Y. They may say, as did someone with whom I was talking the other night, “If my mother would just love me the way I need to be loved, I would be able to feel good about life and quit being so negative or otherwise sabotaging myself. If my father would quit doing everything for me I would have to act like an adult.” In other words, it seems to him that it is their fault that he cannot have the life he wants and deserves. Either they do too much or not enough. I was able to remind him of another possible truth -He is a very capable adult. He could work a solid addiction recovery program, continue to work with his physician on treatment of his depression and do whatever he needs to do to find gainful employments. Indeed, he might already have a job if he can pass the drug test and be emotionally and physically present for a job. He has chosen to take help from his parents and to accept the lie of his brain 12 step recovery program(or some other system for identifying and correcting the habit of believing that he is a victim) is not for him. When he gets frustrated or frightened he is likely to drink and/or engage in self-pity and blame. If not careful, the people, such as his mother, that he blames will get defensive and respond with anger which further “justifies” his anger. His anger then “justified” their increased anger. One gets the picture.
We can see the same dynamic going on in many political campaigns. The focus is often on blaming rather than offering creative, realistic options.
No one chooses to have an illness which affects how they experience the world. No one chooses to have depression, an addictive disorder, a brain tumor or some other disorder. Similarly, no one chooses to be musically or otherwise artistically gifted. We all have different strengths and weaknesses. We all have different life circumstances. It is our responsibility to get the help we need to learn how to make the most of our strengths and not allow our weaknesses to keep us from claiming the life we deserve.
There is no denying that life is more difficult for some people than others. I cannot imagine what life is like for many refugees who are fleeing war and other terrible life threatening conditions. I cannot imagine sending a young child off on a boat by themselves knowing that they may die on their journey and that they may not get the help they need even if they do arrive safely to another place. I cannot know what it is life to live with a chronic severe mental illness. I have not had to live with those hardships. I cannot pretend that I do know. Anyone who had lived with those situations or conditions deserves my respect and support. They do not, however, deserve or need my pity. It is also not helpful to:
- Feed their victim statements. I do not want to say to them that they are right - that X condition or experience keeps them from having a good life.
- Deny their hardships or their illness.
- Argue with them – accept their invitation to argue, verbally or physically fight.
- Get angry and blame them for “ruining” one’s day (or life).
- Treat them as fragile.
- Withhold love and emotional support.
- Withhold other forms of support if it proves to be helpful in a positive manner.
- Think one can fix them.
One does, of course want to:
- Love unconditionally.
- Remember that the lies of depression or other illness seem very real. One may need “reality checks” from others one can trust.
- Seek emotional support from support groups, trusted friend, professional, clergy, books, etc.
- Lovingly take responsibility for getting pulled into an argument or verbal fight.
- Keep a sense of humor but not in a patronizing or discounting manner.
- Accept that one cannot control another person or situation no matter how much or how well one loves.
One’s life dance does not have to be defined as that of a victim. None of us have to be defined by an illness or condition. We can help each other LIVE with a condition or set of circumstances rather than dying or just existing from that illness or condition.
Written August 5, 2016
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