Love, LOVE, love
The February 9. 2017 podcast of On Being features a conversation with the host Krista Tippett and Alain De Botton, “the founder and chairman of The School of Life. His books include Religion for Atheists, How Proust can Change Your Life, and the novel The Course of Love. The title of the podcast is “The True hard work of love and relationships.”
During the course of the conversation Mr. De Botton makes what I think is a very self-evident and, yet, profound statement. He says: “So, the acceptance of ourselves as flawed creatures seems to me what love really is.”
As I think of my own journey as a human which includes a multitude of relationships with parents, other relatives, romantic and non-romantic friendships, my son and, yes, myself I am aware that my reluctance in acceptance of the flawed/imperfect nature of us humans has resulted in a lot of pain for myself and all those whose lives have intersected with mine.
I cannot possibly count the number of times I have been “shocked” by having to face the fact that I or another person was less than perfect. As Ms. Tippett and Mr. D. Botton remind the listener, part of the nature of the imperfection of our humanness is the expectation that others will behave in a way which is consistent with our needs and values. We experience the same with ourselves. Often we have such a difficult time accepting the reality of the humanness of ourselves and others that we go to great lengths to mask this reality. Yet, every program of healing and emotional or spiritual growth demands that one out oneself as human. The 12- step program captures this in the step for all those seeking to overcome an active addiction. Jesus modeled this acceptance. Buddhist teachings often advise students to just notice what is and to quit feeding the lies meant to hide the extent of our shared humanness. Often religious groups practice a rite of confession within the context of “All have sinned and …”
In short everyone “knows” and, everyone knows that everyone knows and, yet ….
The bully generally attempts to feel better about himself or herself by demeaning someone else who is struggling with self-acceptance. The marriage partner often attempts to convince their partner that their opinion or way of doing something is the right way of doing it. The addict so often is running from the shame of their humanness.
It occurs to me that much of what I do professionally as a counselor would be unnecessary if acceptance of our shared humanness was easier. Naturally this would entail acceptance of our gifts as well as our faults and limitations. The bully would not need to bully. The marriage or business partners would be able to focus on formulating a new solution which might entail a compromise. Buildings and all their furnishings would be designed for beauty and the purpose or use for which it was designed. We would not need to be better than and would celebrate the improvements and innovations of others.
Alas the very nature of our humanness is going to continue to make this level of humility a journey rather than a destination. Still, even as we travel this journey we might allow for a sense of humor as we accept responsibility for not only our own humanness but our “need” to only associate with those perfect robots who are more human than we are. What??
Written February 10, 2017
The February 9. 2017 podcast of On Being features a conversation with the host Krista Tippett and Alain De Botton, “the founder and chairman of The School of Life. His books include Religion for Atheists, How Proust can Change Your Life, and the novel The Course of Love. The title of the podcast is “The True hard work of love and relationships.”
During the course of the conversation Mr. De Botton makes what I think is a very self-evident and, yet, profound statement. He says: “So, the acceptance of ourselves as flawed creatures seems to me what love really is.”
As I think of my own journey as a human which includes a multitude of relationships with parents, other relatives, romantic and non-romantic friendships, my son and, yes, myself I am aware that my reluctance in acceptance of the flawed/imperfect nature of us humans has resulted in a lot of pain for myself and all those whose lives have intersected with mine.
I cannot possibly count the number of times I have been “shocked” by having to face the fact that I or another person was less than perfect. As Ms. Tippett and Mr. D. Botton remind the listener, part of the nature of the imperfection of our humanness is the expectation that others will behave in a way which is consistent with our needs and values. We experience the same with ourselves. Often we have such a difficult time accepting the reality of the humanness of ourselves and others that we go to great lengths to mask this reality. Yet, every program of healing and emotional or spiritual growth demands that one out oneself as human. The 12- step program captures this in the step for all those seeking to overcome an active addiction. Jesus modeled this acceptance. Buddhist teachings often advise students to just notice what is and to quit feeding the lies meant to hide the extent of our shared humanness. Often religious groups practice a rite of confession within the context of “All have sinned and …”
In short everyone “knows” and, everyone knows that everyone knows and, yet ….
The bully generally attempts to feel better about himself or herself by demeaning someone else who is struggling with self-acceptance. The marriage partner often attempts to convince their partner that their opinion or way of doing something is the right way of doing it. The addict so often is running from the shame of their humanness.
It occurs to me that much of what I do professionally as a counselor would be unnecessary if acceptance of our shared humanness was easier. Naturally this would entail acceptance of our gifts as well as our faults and limitations. The bully would not need to bully. The marriage or business partners would be able to focus on formulating a new solution which might entail a compromise. Buildings and all their furnishings would be designed for beauty and the purpose or use for which it was designed. We would not need to be better than and would celebrate the improvements and innovations of others.
Alas the very nature of our humanness is going to continue to make this level of humility a journey rather than a destination. Still, even as we travel this journey we might allow for a sense of humor as we accept responsibility for not only our own humanness but our “need” to only associate with those perfect robots who are more human than we are. What??
Written February 10, 2017
RSS Feed