Love, madness and attachment
Long before I got a graduate degree in clinical psychology I was interested in the behavior of us humans. I was particularly interested in why we can seem to be perfectly rational one moment and completely irrational the next moment. This was very obvious to me in terms of the day-to-day life o but glaringly obvious when it came to lust, romantic love and even passionate non- sexual attractions to others.
Earlier this week after talking with some clients I was again pondering how it was that perfectly rations persons who managed to perform jobs requiring an enormous amount of calm and rational decision making could have such a strong feeling of love for a person they might not respect. In fact, for years I served on a domestic violence committee and saw individuals for counseling who were in very abusive relationships. The person may have heen still nurturing the physical and emotional injuries caused by their partner and yet they might say, “I love this person and he/she loves me.” I might and did reply, “This is not love. Abuse is never love. Love is never abusive. In fact, I learned that the average person living in an abusive relationship has to leave 7 or 8 times before they are able to stay away from the abusive person for good.
This morning I was listening to the weekly podcast of On Being. This week the host, Krista Tippett is having a conversation with the anthropologist, Helen Fisher. This conversation took place on February 12, 2015. The umbrella under which they had a conversation was “love, sex and attachment”.
Ms. Fisher is senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, chief scientific advisor to Match.com and the author of several books.
Mrs. Fisher who distinguishes between romantic love and lust, states that:
“ Yeah. In fact, parts of the brain associated with decision-making begin to shut down when you’re in love.
...and I do think it’s different from lust. I do think they’re very different brain systems.”
She goes on to say:
“ But romantic love evolved for that reason to enable you to overlook everything in order to be with this human being. And of course, that’s what you really need to do to start that mating process.”
The caveat is of course:
“And bottom line is, it takes a lot of metabolic energy. You don’t eat. You don’t sleep. You don’t think about anything else. You focus on this person constantly. You change your hair. You change your life. You change your clothes. You change your friends. You do a million different things in order to win and be part of this relationship. And you can’t tolerate that forever. Not only will you run out of energy, but you can’t really have a child sitting there in — at dinner and the two of you racing around the dinner table after each other.”
Both Ms. Fisher and Mrs. Tippett point out that the average length of a committed relationship in 1900 was 12 years and the average length in 1990 was 12 years. In 1900 committed romantic relationship most frequently ended because of death. In 1990 and today they end most frequently because of divorce. The couple have not, for whatever reason(s) been able to maintain a strong enough romantic attachment to sustain the relationship . If either “needs” the other emotionally, financially or otherwise there may be a stronger motivation to maintain the relationship. Of course if there are children of this commitment then they wlll have to provide for the care of the children by staying together or arriving at a shared parenting agreement.
One can certainly have a quality life without a romantic partnership. What we do seem to crave and even need is a deep attachment with others. This may not be with one other or it may be with one other and with a small group of family which might be biological for some and intentional for others. When that attachment is not there, when the romantic love does not grow into a deep attachment, or when something happens to destroy one’s ability to maintain that deep attachment then most of us, if neurologically able to connect at that level, will decide not to continue that relationship or, if we continue, will do so on a very task basis.
It is not surprising that abusive partners attempt to isolate one emotionally, financially and otherwise thus making them believe that they are not able to take care of themselves and need, to stay in the abusive relationship. The abused person may also then become convinced that they are unworthy of the love and respect of others. They then wait to be validated by the abuser who stole their validation/worth.
It is for good reason that Dr Fisher thinks that we need to really get to know the person we “fall in love with” for at least 18 months before we make a commitment. We may also want to be cautious about acting on the feeling of attachment which happens when having a sexual relationship with someone. This too is due to biology. Dr. Fisher states:
“. And, when you have orgasm, you get a real flood of oxytocin and vasopressin. And these are the basic bodily and brain systems for attachment.”
It seems that as our culture changes and, in some societies more than others, we are evolving to have more choices it terms of relationships and attachments we may want to more clearly understand the biology of what is happening in our minds and our hearts. This may guide us in determining when we are ready to make commitments based on lust, romantic love or for some other reason. We are certainly capable of being in love with someone with whom we are not capable of having or maintaining a healthy long term relationship.
It will, of course, be interesting for future scientists to see if and how changes in culture lead to eventual changes in the biology of humans.
Written April 21, 2017
Long before I got a graduate degree in clinical psychology I was interested in the behavior of us humans. I was particularly interested in why we can seem to be perfectly rational one moment and completely irrational the next moment. This was very obvious to me in terms of the day-to-day life o but glaringly obvious when it came to lust, romantic love and even passionate non- sexual attractions to others.
Earlier this week after talking with some clients I was again pondering how it was that perfectly rations persons who managed to perform jobs requiring an enormous amount of calm and rational decision making could have such a strong feeling of love for a person they might not respect. In fact, for years I served on a domestic violence committee and saw individuals for counseling who were in very abusive relationships. The person may have heen still nurturing the physical and emotional injuries caused by their partner and yet they might say, “I love this person and he/she loves me.” I might and did reply, “This is not love. Abuse is never love. Love is never abusive. In fact, I learned that the average person living in an abusive relationship has to leave 7 or 8 times before they are able to stay away from the abusive person for good.
This morning I was listening to the weekly podcast of On Being. This week the host, Krista Tippett is having a conversation with the anthropologist, Helen Fisher. This conversation took place on February 12, 2015. The umbrella under which they had a conversation was “love, sex and attachment”.
Ms. Fisher is senior research fellow at the Kinsey Institute, chief scientific advisor to Match.com and the author of several books.
Mrs. Fisher who distinguishes between romantic love and lust, states that:
“ Yeah. In fact, parts of the brain associated with decision-making begin to shut down when you’re in love.
...and I do think it’s different from lust. I do think they’re very different brain systems.”
She goes on to say:
“ But romantic love evolved for that reason to enable you to overlook everything in order to be with this human being. And of course, that’s what you really need to do to start that mating process.”
The caveat is of course:
“And bottom line is, it takes a lot of metabolic energy. You don’t eat. You don’t sleep. You don’t think about anything else. You focus on this person constantly. You change your hair. You change your life. You change your clothes. You change your friends. You do a million different things in order to win and be part of this relationship. And you can’t tolerate that forever. Not only will you run out of energy, but you can’t really have a child sitting there in — at dinner and the two of you racing around the dinner table after each other.”
Both Ms. Fisher and Mrs. Tippett point out that the average length of a committed relationship in 1900 was 12 years and the average length in 1990 was 12 years. In 1900 committed romantic relationship most frequently ended because of death. In 1990 and today they end most frequently because of divorce. The couple have not, for whatever reason(s) been able to maintain a strong enough romantic attachment to sustain the relationship . If either “needs” the other emotionally, financially or otherwise there may be a stronger motivation to maintain the relationship. Of course if there are children of this commitment then they wlll have to provide for the care of the children by staying together or arriving at a shared parenting agreement.
One can certainly have a quality life without a romantic partnership. What we do seem to crave and even need is a deep attachment with others. This may not be with one other or it may be with one other and with a small group of family which might be biological for some and intentional for others. When that attachment is not there, when the romantic love does not grow into a deep attachment, or when something happens to destroy one’s ability to maintain that deep attachment then most of us, if neurologically able to connect at that level, will decide not to continue that relationship or, if we continue, will do so on a very task basis.
It is not surprising that abusive partners attempt to isolate one emotionally, financially and otherwise thus making them believe that they are not able to take care of themselves and need, to stay in the abusive relationship. The abused person may also then become convinced that they are unworthy of the love and respect of others. They then wait to be validated by the abuser who stole their validation/worth.
It is for good reason that Dr Fisher thinks that we need to really get to know the person we “fall in love with” for at least 18 months before we make a commitment. We may also want to be cautious about acting on the feeling of attachment which happens when having a sexual relationship with someone. This too is due to biology. Dr. Fisher states:
“. And, when you have orgasm, you get a real flood of oxytocin and vasopressin. And these are the basic bodily and brain systems for attachment.”
It seems that as our culture changes and, in some societies more than others, we are evolving to have more choices it terms of relationships and attachments we may want to more clearly understand the biology of what is happening in our minds and our hearts. This may guide us in determining when we are ready to make commitments based on lust, romantic love or for some other reason. We are certainly capable of being in love with someone with whom we are not capable of having or maintaining a healthy long term relationship.
It will, of course, be interesting for future scientists to see if and how changes in culture lead to eventual changes in the biology of humans.
Written April 21, 2017
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