Low self esteem
Daily I hear someone talking about low self-esteem. Often, in my role as a counselor, someone will say that one of their primary issues is low self-esteem. They may blame this lack of “self-esteem” on others. Frequently, in the very next breath, the same person proclaims why some other person or persons is not worth loving. It is sad that we often do not hear the irony of the relationship between our own low self-esteem and our learned skill of doing our part to ensure others have low self-esteem.
No child is born or conceived with low self-esteem. Some scientists believe that we may in vitro pick up signals that we are unwanted. Obviously, it is tough to do studies to prove or disprove this possibility but we do know that negative stress can have an effect on the health of the fetus. Most of us, however, emerge from the womb with a clean slate in terms of our worth. Healthy infants, even before learning spoken language, expect to be tended to when in distress or acknowledge when attempting to connect with finger or a smile. Sadly not all parents or other care givers are healthy enough to be able to consistently respond in a positive manner. Even if that child is initially surrounded with healthy people whose actions consistently affirm their worth, there comes a time when every child is exposed to an action of another child or an adult which communicates that one is not worth positive attention. In fact, the child may not be very old before he or she hears they are less than or deficient in some way. If the positive messages about worth come from trusted and credible sources and far outweigh negative messages from credible sources then one is less likely to internalize an overall negative view of self. It also helps if the child can “fact check” negative statement about their worth with a trusted source. Even children who are abused and are immediately told by trusted adults that the abuser’s behavior is related to the abuser’s issues will suffer only slight damage to their self-esteem.
It is the job of all of us as we reach adult status to fact check what we have learned about our self-worth. If we have learned that we are less than, are responsible for the abusive (active or passive) behavior of others or that our worth is dependent on being better than, richer then, prettier, than, more athletic than, more talented than or smarter than, those lies also have to be corrected.
Solid self-esteem/worth is built on the truth that we are intrinsically worthwhile as imperfect, works in progress, human beings. Only when we accept that basic truth can we be our very best. We also have to do our best to create a safe, loving home for ourselves and our loved one. This does not have to be in some palatial or even permanent home. Friends who spent significant periods of time in refugee camps with other healthy adults do not have low self-esteem. On the other hand, some who grew up in very wealthy homes with actively addicted or otherwise unhealthy parents or a parent may have learned that they were a failure because they could not fix their parents or because they learned the lie that they caused the behavior of the parents.
Some of us may find that we have unconsciously duplicated a negative home setting with other individuals who degrade our worth. We may need to explore family counseling or remove ourselves from that unhealthy setting. Especially if there are children involved we may need to ask for assistance from community organizations. We deserve to have a positive, safe home.
Low self-esteem is a learned condition which can be unlearned. If we have been reinforcing the lie about our self-worth it will take time and patience to override the lies.
Written January 7, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Daily I hear someone talking about low self-esteem. Often, in my role as a counselor, someone will say that one of their primary issues is low self-esteem. They may blame this lack of “self-esteem” on others. Frequently, in the very next breath, the same person proclaims why some other person or persons is not worth loving. It is sad that we often do not hear the irony of the relationship between our own low self-esteem and our learned skill of doing our part to ensure others have low self-esteem.
No child is born or conceived with low self-esteem. Some scientists believe that we may in vitro pick up signals that we are unwanted. Obviously, it is tough to do studies to prove or disprove this possibility but we do know that negative stress can have an effect on the health of the fetus. Most of us, however, emerge from the womb with a clean slate in terms of our worth. Healthy infants, even before learning spoken language, expect to be tended to when in distress or acknowledge when attempting to connect with finger or a smile. Sadly not all parents or other care givers are healthy enough to be able to consistently respond in a positive manner. Even if that child is initially surrounded with healthy people whose actions consistently affirm their worth, there comes a time when every child is exposed to an action of another child or an adult which communicates that one is not worth positive attention. In fact, the child may not be very old before he or she hears they are less than or deficient in some way. If the positive messages about worth come from trusted and credible sources and far outweigh negative messages from credible sources then one is less likely to internalize an overall negative view of self. It also helps if the child can “fact check” negative statement about their worth with a trusted source. Even children who are abused and are immediately told by trusted adults that the abuser’s behavior is related to the abuser’s issues will suffer only slight damage to their self-esteem.
It is the job of all of us as we reach adult status to fact check what we have learned about our self-worth. If we have learned that we are less than, are responsible for the abusive (active or passive) behavior of others or that our worth is dependent on being better than, richer then, prettier, than, more athletic than, more talented than or smarter than, those lies also have to be corrected.
Solid self-esteem/worth is built on the truth that we are intrinsically worthwhile as imperfect, works in progress, human beings. Only when we accept that basic truth can we be our very best. We also have to do our best to create a safe, loving home for ourselves and our loved one. This does not have to be in some palatial or even permanent home. Friends who spent significant periods of time in refugee camps with other healthy adults do not have low self-esteem. On the other hand, some who grew up in very wealthy homes with actively addicted or otherwise unhealthy parents or a parent may have learned that they were a failure because they could not fix their parents or because they learned the lie that they caused the behavior of the parents.
Some of us may find that we have unconsciously duplicated a negative home setting with other individuals who degrade our worth. We may need to explore family counseling or remove ourselves from that unhealthy setting. Especially if there are children involved we may need to ask for assistance from community organizations. We deserve to have a positive, safe home.
Low self-esteem is a learned condition which can be unlearned. If we have been reinforcing the lie about our self-worth it will take time and patience to override the lies.
Written January 7, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
RSS Feed