No rehearsals
I am a reasonably educated man and some might even suggest that I am passably articulate. Yet, often what I think I am communicating is not even close to what the other person hears. It is equally true that what I hear others saying is not even close to what they are intending to communicate. I was thinking of this too often repeated experience when I was unable to hear what a friend was saying this afternoon. I was hearing arrogance and a not very subtle suggestion that his experiences of gaining wisdom comes from teachers spanning many life journeys while mine is very limited. Not wanting to engage in a verbal contest of who was right I told him I was hanging up. A little later we talked again and assured each other of our respect and love for each other.
There are times when I allow the content of the conversation to take precedence over the relationship.
As we approach the day set aside in the United States to honor those who fumble and stumble their way through their role as father, I often think a better plan would have been to have a dress rehearsal until one was at least age 40 or 50. Looking back in makes no sense that young people whose brains may still be developing or, if physically developed, are often caught up in proving their worth become parents. It does not matter whether one is attempting to earn one’s place in a corporate law office, in a factory, in the fracking business, or on the streets. It is the rare young father who has any real idea of how to balance practical needs, the “need” to prove oneself, and to assume the role of a father who models that how we love and take care of each other easily trumps these other goals. One has to make enough money to pay one’s bills – to provide basic housing, food and other true necessities – but relationships can still come first.
Whether it was an argument with my son’s mother – my wife and then my ex-wife – or with my son about it was hardly ever about anything important. In retrospect, I know this, but at the time, so many arguments seemed to be about the need to prove one’s point – even if one was not sure of the point.
I was 31 when I became a father. I was finishing my last year of theological seminary, working as an intern at a prison, substituting for pastors on Sundays, writing a thesis and preparing for ordination exam. I was much too busy with “important tasks” to be fully present with my then wife or with she and my son when he was born. Oh sure, there were moments when I was present to the miracle of this gift of our son. There were probably even fewer moments when I was present to my wife who was attempting to survive a severe the postpartum depression. Despite the fact that I was in seminary and writing a thesis of some aspects of ethics – how we treat each other – I had no real idea of how to walk the talk on a daily basis. Conceptually I would wax on for hours or pages and pages about what it meant to be live one’s values/core beliefs, but when it came to living them I badly needed a very long dress rehearsal which did not inflict the sins of my lack of preparation on any other human, especially my son.
I did have a very good role model of what it meant to show up with love on a daily basis. My Uncle Harold was a pro. Of course, he was old. I suspect he might have been 40 or older! Yet he more than any other adult male I knew had figured how to walk the talk.
I see fathers in their twenties, thirties and forties still in need of a dress rehearsal. Far too many are still struggling to prove their mettle and, thus, find their children a major inconvenience and a nuisance.
Yet when I noticed the advertisements for gifts for father’s day this year I noticed a wider variety of options. Not every gift idea was about sports, guns, or fishing. Many were about reading, the arts, education or other aspects of what it means to be a father in 2018. This is progress. Still we must be very intentional about raising males to be fathers or to choose not to be fathers from a very early age. Sadly, there is no dress rehearsal. We can, however, be there to mentor and support each other - reminding each other what really matters.
Written June 16, 2018
I am a reasonably educated man and some might even suggest that I am passably articulate. Yet, often what I think I am communicating is not even close to what the other person hears. It is equally true that what I hear others saying is not even close to what they are intending to communicate. I was thinking of this too often repeated experience when I was unable to hear what a friend was saying this afternoon. I was hearing arrogance and a not very subtle suggestion that his experiences of gaining wisdom comes from teachers spanning many life journeys while mine is very limited. Not wanting to engage in a verbal contest of who was right I told him I was hanging up. A little later we talked again and assured each other of our respect and love for each other.
There are times when I allow the content of the conversation to take precedence over the relationship.
As we approach the day set aside in the United States to honor those who fumble and stumble their way through their role as father, I often think a better plan would have been to have a dress rehearsal until one was at least age 40 or 50. Looking back in makes no sense that young people whose brains may still be developing or, if physically developed, are often caught up in proving their worth become parents. It does not matter whether one is attempting to earn one’s place in a corporate law office, in a factory, in the fracking business, or on the streets. It is the rare young father who has any real idea of how to balance practical needs, the “need” to prove oneself, and to assume the role of a father who models that how we love and take care of each other easily trumps these other goals. One has to make enough money to pay one’s bills – to provide basic housing, food and other true necessities – but relationships can still come first.
Whether it was an argument with my son’s mother – my wife and then my ex-wife – or with my son about it was hardly ever about anything important. In retrospect, I know this, but at the time, so many arguments seemed to be about the need to prove one’s point – even if one was not sure of the point.
I was 31 when I became a father. I was finishing my last year of theological seminary, working as an intern at a prison, substituting for pastors on Sundays, writing a thesis and preparing for ordination exam. I was much too busy with “important tasks” to be fully present with my then wife or with she and my son when he was born. Oh sure, there were moments when I was present to the miracle of this gift of our son. There were probably even fewer moments when I was present to my wife who was attempting to survive a severe the postpartum depression. Despite the fact that I was in seminary and writing a thesis of some aspects of ethics – how we treat each other – I had no real idea of how to walk the talk on a daily basis. Conceptually I would wax on for hours or pages and pages about what it meant to be live one’s values/core beliefs, but when it came to living them I badly needed a very long dress rehearsal which did not inflict the sins of my lack of preparation on any other human, especially my son.
I did have a very good role model of what it meant to show up with love on a daily basis. My Uncle Harold was a pro. Of course, he was old. I suspect he might have been 40 or older! Yet he more than any other adult male I knew had figured how to walk the talk.
I see fathers in their twenties, thirties and forties still in need of a dress rehearsal. Far too many are still struggling to prove their mettle and, thus, find their children a major inconvenience and a nuisance.
Yet when I noticed the advertisements for gifts for father’s day this year I noticed a wider variety of options. Not every gift idea was about sports, guns, or fishing. Many were about reading, the arts, education or other aspects of what it means to be a father in 2018. This is progress. Still we must be very intentional about raising males to be fathers or to choose not to be fathers from a very early age. Sadly, there is no dress rehearsal. We can, however, be there to mentor and support each other - reminding each other what really matters.
Written June 16, 2018
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