Not about me!
One of the most difficult truths with which many of us struggle is taking the behavior of others personally. This is often most evident when dealing with someone in our family who is struggling with addiction or mental illness, but is certainly not limited to those situations. Daily I am asked by someone, “Why does my parent, child, spouse, partner or friend behave in such a self-centered, mean way? There are certain facts/truths which it would be helpful for all of us to remember.
Obviously if someone slugs me – physically or verbally – then it affects me on a very personal level. If the person premeditated slugging me, then it may seem as if the behavior is about me. It is not. The reason that the person chose to slug me ALWAYS has to do with what is going on with the person doing the slugging. One can either respond to the violent behavior of the other by attempting to slug back (verbally and physically) or one can respond to the emotional pain the other person is feeling.
If someone breaks into my house tonight it is because they believe that they need something I have in order to take care of themselves or they may feel I have wronged them in some way. They may truly believe either that they have no other options or that I have more than I deserve. They may not be able to consider how their behavior affects me. At any rate, I cannot cause them to take the action they did. I might have done sometime for which I need to make amends, but they might not know that I would be happy to make amends
If I am blessed enough to be able to think clearly I can choose a response which is consistent with my core values. My core values tell me to not take the action of others personally and to respond with love and understanding. This is not always easy but it is possible to move in this direction.
Written December 4, 2017
One of the most difficult truths with which many of us struggle is taking the behavior of others personally. This is often most evident when dealing with someone in our family who is struggling with addiction or mental illness, but is certainly not limited to those situations. Daily I am asked by someone, “Why does my parent, child, spouse, partner or friend behave in such a self-centered, mean way? There are certain facts/truths which it would be helpful for all of us to remember.
- We are all humans. We all engage in behavior which may be hurtful to others.
- We all take care of ourselves the best way we know how or the way which is the strongest habit. We may have learned some new tools but if one has not practiced using them as much as the old tools we can quickly revert to using the old tools.
- Behavior is often intended to protect the person who is doing the behavior. If one tells themselves that they cannot deal with the discomfort of situation X, then one can:
- Pretend as if they do not know about situation X.
- Blame others for situation X.
- Isolate.
- Do something which numbs one.
- Engage in self destructive behavior even if this causes one pain. If the pain is less uncomfortable than the one which one wants/feels a need to avoid, then it may feel preferable.
- Engaging in a battle with another person may help to keep the attention away from the original behavior which the person who began the dance felt was too uncomfortable to face.
- We are only responsible for our own behavior. The goal is to act and not to react. Acting behavior is based upon one’s core values. Reacting behavior can easily avoid one’s core values.
- Protecting oneself is not the same as attempting to punish another for their behavior. The goal is protection and not hurting the other person.
Obviously if someone slugs me – physically or verbally – then it affects me on a very personal level. If the person premeditated slugging me, then it may seem as if the behavior is about me. It is not. The reason that the person chose to slug me ALWAYS has to do with what is going on with the person doing the slugging. One can either respond to the violent behavior of the other by attempting to slug back (verbally and physically) or one can respond to the emotional pain the other person is feeling.
If someone breaks into my house tonight it is because they believe that they need something I have in order to take care of themselves or they may feel I have wronged them in some way. They may truly believe either that they have no other options or that I have more than I deserve. They may not be able to consider how their behavior affects me. At any rate, I cannot cause them to take the action they did. I might have done sometime for which I need to make amends, but they might not know that I would be happy to make amends
If I am blessed enough to be able to think clearly I can choose a response which is consistent with my core values. My core values tell me to not take the action of others personally and to respond with love and understanding. This is not always easy but it is possible to move in this direction.
Written December 4, 2017
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