Not about me!
I have previously written about the experience of many of us in needing to remind ourselves that while our behavior has an affect on other people, our behavior does not cause the behavior of another.
A good friend said in an email, “Sometimes I think she does not even like me.” I happen to know that the person about whom he was talking struggles with depression and other factors, which affect her mood. She is not likely to announce that she is depressed and may, at times, be a bit distant. Nor is she likely to share that she is worried, sad, frustrated or experiencing other emotions which makes it difficult for her to feel connected.
At the same time , I am aware that the friend who was sharing this morning has a very powerful personality. He often does not realize the power of his personality style. Often he feels that he is practically invisible to others. Whether in a positive mood or a distant mood one cannot ignore his presence. If he is in a positive mood and another person is in a negative mood one of two things can happen. The positive person can, if not careful, allow himself or herself to be sucked into the negative mood or the negative person can allow himself or herself to be sucked into the positive mood. In either case they have affected each other, but they have not caused the person to behave in a certain way. The person who was sharing often brightens the spirit of others, but this is not always the case.
Unless a person is particularly self-aware and shares what is going on with them we have no idea of what they are experiencing. We may or may not be particularly adept at guessing or intuiting what is going on but we cannot be sure. Often if I am worried about something and am not ready, for a variety of reasons, to share what is going on, I may avoid close contact. If circumstances permit I may feel free to share. On the other hand I have sometimes shared and the person with whom I shared has attempted to convince me that the situation is even more negative or direr than I had thought? I can let others know that what is going on with me is not about them and that I will share when I can, but they may still personalize it.
The bottom line is that it is very dangerous to make assumptions about what is causing the behavior of another person. It is true that a person may blame me, but that does not mean I have to accept responsibility for causing their behavior. I may need to accept responsibility for the fact that some of my behavior is not very attractive and some people may choose to avoid me until I am behaving differently. Letting the other person know that I am not in a positive space may help them be supportive. Both of us have a choice although, at times, it may not feel like a choice. I always have the choice of letting the other person know I am feeling out of sorts. They always have the choice of asking if they can be supportive and, if I ask, giving me some space.
We can practice allowing for the fact that the behavior of the other is not about us while still being aware that our behavior can affect others. Accusing another of something negative because they are having a difficult time is not usually helpful or loving.
Written January 4, 2018
I have previously written about the experience of many of us in needing to remind ourselves that while our behavior has an affect on other people, our behavior does not cause the behavior of another.
A good friend said in an email, “Sometimes I think she does not even like me.” I happen to know that the person about whom he was talking struggles with depression and other factors, which affect her mood. She is not likely to announce that she is depressed and may, at times, be a bit distant. Nor is she likely to share that she is worried, sad, frustrated or experiencing other emotions which makes it difficult for her to feel connected.
At the same time , I am aware that the friend who was sharing this morning has a very powerful personality. He often does not realize the power of his personality style. Often he feels that he is practically invisible to others. Whether in a positive mood or a distant mood one cannot ignore his presence. If he is in a positive mood and another person is in a negative mood one of two things can happen. The positive person can, if not careful, allow himself or herself to be sucked into the negative mood or the negative person can allow himself or herself to be sucked into the positive mood. In either case they have affected each other, but they have not caused the person to behave in a certain way. The person who was sharing often brightens the spirit of others, but this is not always the case.
Unless a person is particularly self-aware and shares what is going on with them we have no idea of what they are experiencing. We may or may not be particularly adept at guessing or intuiting what is going on but we cannot be sure. Often if I am worried about something and am not ready, for a variety of reasons, to share what is going on, I may avoid close contact. If circumstances permit I may feel free to share. On the other hand I have sometimes shared and the person with whom I shared has attempted to convince me that the situation is even more negative or direr than I had thought? I can let others know that what is going on with me is not about them and that I will share when I can, but they may still personalize it.
The bottom line is that it is very dangerous to make assumptions about what is causing the behavior of another person. It is true that a person may blame me, but that does not mean I have to accept responsibility for causing their behavior. I may need to accept responsibility for the fact that some of my behavior is not very attractive and some people may choose to avoid me until I am behaving differently. Letting the other person know that I am not in a positive space may help them be supportive. Both of us have a choice although, at times, it may not feel like a choice. I always have the choice of letting the other person know I am feeling out of sorts. They always have the choice of asking if they can be supportive and, if I ask, giving me some space.
We can practice allowing for the fact that the behavior of the other is not about us while still being aware that our behavior can affect others. Accusing another of something negative because they are having a difficult time is not usually helpful or loving.
Written January 4, 2018
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