As young children, our world is very small and we have a limited concept of the relationship between ourselves as individuals and other people, places and things as separate from us. When something happens – positive or negative – we think that we caused it. Mommy or daddy is happy or sad; we are responsible. Now, sometimes, even as a small child, we can have a profound effect on the adults around us. Often when they are in a sad or negative mood, our behavior can quickly bring a smile to their faces. On the other hand, we also have a very limited conceptual understanding of an “I” which is separate from “them” or “the other.”
If we are very lucky, by the age of five or six, we begin to get some sense of the fact that others are separate from us and, thus, we do not cause/create their mood or their reaction. They can be in a positive or negative mood irrespective of what we do or do not do.
I have noticed, however, that despite my movement towards maturity there is still a part of me which is quick to assume blame or credit for the mood or behavior of another person. In fact, just this morning at the gym a man who is normally very friendly seemed distant. My first thought was, “What did I do to cause him to be emotionally distant?” I do not know this man other than saying hello to him at the gym and sharing some basic information. Why would I assume that I could be responsible for his seemingly distant mood? My rational mind told me that he could be tired, not feeling well, be thinking about issues at work, trying to decide on the perfect holiday gift for his wife or his children, or just not seeming to be present for a myriad of reasons. It is entirely possible that he was just wanting personal/private space and felt no obligation to enhance my experience of the morning by taking time to make me feel important enough to speak to. Yet, a part of my mind told me I had, once again, done something to cause this man to be distant.
I did not immediately consider the possibility that I was the one who was feeling distant and was projecting that stance onto this man. I am certainly aware that when I am a bit off center I can feel very distant from myself and others. At times, when I try to explain this feeling of being distant I blame other people, places and things, rather than just noticing that I am slightly off balance for any of a number of possible reasons.
Most spiritual teachers and psychologists whom I know seem to agree that we humans are apparently the only beings in this part of the universe which have a core belief that it is not enough to be who we are; that we need to somehow add to ourselves to be worthwhile. The belief seems to be that we can add to ourselves by gaining more education, having more money, building a larger house, being more spiritual than most people, having a bigger house, a more expensive car, or more abundant body parts. Thus, we are always comparing ourselves with others and, in some way, attempting to be enough to be worth love and respect. It is not surprising, in this context, to assume that the behavior of others is because of our action or inaction. Certainly, another person might react to us; might give us the power to affect their behavior, but that is their issue and not ours. I am not responsible for how others react to something I do or do not do. I do have a responsibility to treat others with love and respect which will frequently leave the other person feeling better. I cannot, however, cause them to behave in a certain manner. Short of physically harming them, most people do not behave in a certain way because of what I do or do not know. It is very arrogant of me to think that others have nothing better to do that to be concerned about my behavior and well-being. Imagine, everyone at the gym at 5:30 AM planning for my arrival and what they can do to enhance my day! Really!
It is fascinating to me that I can have a fragile sense of self-worth and still think that I am so important that all others I see in a particular day are thinking of how they can affect me in a positive or negative manner! This is not logical at all.
I do want to bring loving energy into every space I enter. I do not want to bring negative energy and leave it to affect others. Whether or not others choose to or are able to pick up on this energy is not something I can control or need to try to control. Others are in their own world living their life the best they can. Most are not going to be aware of my presence. It is my responsibility to practice focusing on taking care of myself and bringing positive energy to any space I occupy. If someone is having a difficult day, I do not want to personalize it. I want to be present if they want/need to share what is going on with them.
There will be times when it is clear that I have said or done something which another person(s) experiences as offensive, an insult, or as putting them down. I would like to practice being accountable for that behavior and, when appropriate, apologize/make amends to that person. At the same time, my goal is to not beat myself up, but rather, to just notice my behavior and take appropriate action.
Most of all, I want to continue to make peace with my own humanness; to be able to lovingly laugh at/with myself when I begin to think of myself as the center of the universe.
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