Not yet God!
I was reminded by Mary Karr in an October 13, 2016 conversation she had with Krista Tippett (program rebroadcast January 2018) of why I so enjoyed and appreciated some of what St. Augustine shared in The City of God and other writings. As was true for him, Mother Theresa and all the spiritual teachers I admire he had an ability to laugh at himself and to keep moving towards honesty in his spiritual journey. Ms. Karr quotes him as saying, “Lord give me chastity, but not yet.” Other times I have read this, as “Lord makes me pure, but not yet.” I was again reminded of the role of honesty in my healing journey; why I so often advise those working a healing program to practice what the 12 step program calls the HOW of the program – honesty, open mindedness and willingness. Actually, for me it is willingness, open mindedness, honesty and willingness. I first have to ask myself if I am wiling for a hidden truth about myself to be made conscious. If I say I am willing how open am I to seeing the full truth which I may have locked in a very secure, Moser security safe stored in the basement of my mind If I am open minded enough to walk down the those dusty steps to the basement, recall the safe combination, open the safe, remove the particular file and read it am I ready to shed the light on the words therein recorded?
After relocking the safe and carrying the file back up those creaking steps I have to decide if I am going to hide the folder under my shirt until I get to the office and lock the door or if I am willing to look at the part of me recorded in this file in the bright light of the kitchen. The kitchen is, after all, where most important conversations take place in my house.
This morning I again prayed, “God of my understanding, let me have the faith and the courage to learn whatever lessons I need to learn today. Let me see a new level of truth about myself and to use it as a joyful opportunity to grow. I think God, that I might be ready to learn this lesson by noon, Eastern Standard Time, but only if I am alone in my office and I have control over who else learns this truth. Oh dear, I am not sure noon is such a good time. Perhaps tomorrow would be better. Oh no! Tomorrow I am meeting Marv to attend a performance of the Pittsburgh Symphony. Perhaps you could wait until next Saturday. I think I have an available hour to face this truth next Saturday. Let me check my schedule and I will get back to you. Yes, I really do want to grow spiritually, but I would not be very spiritual if I did not honor my other commitment or if I burdened others with my somber mood or. I will get back with you later God.”
When I was a cigarette smoker I frequently said to the God of my understanding: “I really want to be a non-smoker without having to experience the discomfort of letting go of nicotine.” Eventually I had to practice the HOW or the WOHW. When I did I let go of the habit of lying to myself I was able, with lots of support, to quit using nicotine. It was very simple although not easy.
Written January 27, 2018
I was reminded by Mary Karr in an October 13, 2016 conversation she had with Krista Tippett (program rebroadcast January 2018) of why I so enjoyed and appreciated some of what St. Augustine shared in The City of God and other writings. As was true for him, Mother Theresa and all the spiritual teachers I admire he had an ability to laugh at himself and to keep moving towards honesty in his spiritual journey. Ms. Karr quotes him as saying, “Lord give me chastity, but not yet.” Other times I have read this, as “Lord makes me pure, but not yet.” I was again reminded of the role of honesty in my healing journey; why I so often advise those working a healing program to practice what the 12 step program calls the HOW of the program – honesty, open mindedness and willingness. Actually, for me it is willingness, open mindedness, honesty and willingness. I first have to ask myself if I am wiling for a hidden truth about myself to be made conscious. If I say I am willing how open am I to seeing the full truth which I may have locked in a very secure, Moser security safe stored in the basement of my mind If I am open minded enough to walk down the those dusty steps to the basement, recall the safe combination, open the safe, remove the particular file and read it am I ready to shed the light on the words therein recorded?
After relocking the safe and carrying the file back up those creaking steps I have to decide if I am going to hide the folder under my shirt until I get to the office and lock the door or if I am willing to look at the part of me recorded in this file in the bright light of the kitchen. The kitchen is, after all, where most important conversations take place in my house.
This morning I again prayed, “God of my understanding, let me have the faith and the courage to learn whatever lessons I need to learn today. Let me see a new level of truth about myself and to use it as a joyful opportunity to grow. I think God, that I might be ready to learn this lesson by noon, Eastern Standard Time, but only if I am alone in my office and I have control over who else learns this truth. Oh dear, I am not sure noon is such a good time. Perhaps tomorrow would be better. Oh no! Tomorrow I am meeting Marv to attend a performance of the Pittsburgh Symphony. Perhaps you could wait until next Saturday. I think I have an available hour to face this truth next Saturday. Let me check my schedule and I will get back to you. Yes, I really do want to grow spiritually, but I would not be very spiritual if I did not honor my other commitment or if I burdened others with my somber mood or. I will get back with you later God.”
When I was a cigarette smoker I frequently said to the God of my understanding: “I really want to be a non-smoker without having to experience the discomfort of letting go of nicotine.” Eventually I had to practice the HOW or the WOHW. When I did I let go of the habit of lying to myself I was able, with lots of support, to quit using nicotine. It was very simple although not easy.
Written January 27, 2018
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