Nothing personal
From the time, we are very young many of us are told that our behavior and sometimes are very being is responsible for the emotional, mental and sometimes the physical health of another person. It is, of course, true that our behavior affects everyone around us and their response to our behavior affects everyone around them and so forth and so forth. If I drive drunk and cause an accident resulting in the death of someone or even my own death the lives of many others are changed forever. If someone is lacing heroin with some other drug causing the use of it to be fetal to the loved one of another the result is very personal to those who loved and/or depended on his or her.
The spiritual goal of many of us is to do our best to be intentional about living a life which makes the life of all of us emotionally and spiritually richer. Yet, often we may do or say something which triggers the memory of a very negative experience for someone or is otherwise hurtful. Occasionally, we may, even intentionally strike out at another person verbally, emotionally or physically because of some experienced or perceived injustice or fear.
Obviously, the best any of us can do is to attempt to be very intentional about our behavior. First and foremost, one has to be very intentional about one’s own physical, nutritional, emotional and spiritual heath. We need to do everything we can to insure our brain works as well as possible. Secondly, given a reasonably healthy and rested mind, one wants to be intentional about behaving in a way which honors the sacredness of our interdependence.
The seemingly “natural” tendency, if one is either the recipient or the one triggering hurtful behavior is to either beat up oneself for being so insensitive, blame the other person for being overly sensitive, or to somehow justify one’s behavior or response. None of these responses has a long term positive affect.
Spiritually, the goal could be:
It may seem as if I am attempting to absolve us of all responsibility. That is certainly not my goal. We have the responsibility to do everything we can to make loving, respectful decisions. We also have the responsibility to let others know when their behavior is unacceptable/hurtful. Yet, when one is hurtful, one can either problem solve to attempt to prevent future hurt or cause more harm. If one is the person receiving harm one can lovingly let the other person know how their behavior is unacceptable and take action to help insure that the person is given the help and support they need. For example, this week a young man drove a car into a group of pedestrians killing several and injuring others. I have no idea why or how his brain made a decision to do that (assuming it was intentional). I do know that he needs to be in a safe place where he cannot harm himself and others and he needs an educated diagnosis and quality treatment. Those hurt or killed did not cause him to behave in the way he did. His behavior was not personal although the effect was very personal. His behavior was the result of his inability, for whatever reason, to make a different choice.
We can either keep blaming and punishing each other or we can focus on identifying the multitude of factors which prevent us humans from functioning as one interdependent unit with many parts.
Written April 24, 2018
From the time, we are very young many of us are told that our behavior and sometimes are very being is responsible for the emotional, mental and sometimes the physical health of another person. It is, of course, true that our behavior affects everyone around us and their response to our behavior affects everyone around them and so forth and so forth. If I drive drunk and cause an accident resulting in the death of someone or even my own death the lives of many others are changed forever. If someone is lacing heroin with some other drug causing the use of it to be fetal to the loved one of another the result is very personal to those who loved and/or depended on his or her.
The spiritual goal of many of us is to do our best to be intentional about living a life which makes the life of all of us emotionally and spiritually richer. Yet, often we may do or say something which triggers the memory of a very negative experience for someone or is otherwise hurtful. Occasionally, we may, even intentionally strike out at another person verbally, emotionally or physically because of some experienced or perceived injustice or fear.
Obviously, the best any of us can do is to attempt to be very intentional about our behavior. First and foremost, one has to be very intentional about one’s own physical, nutritional, emotional and spiritual heath. We need to do everything we can to insure our brain works as well as possible. Secondly, given a reasonably healthy and rested mind, one wants to be intentional about behaving in a way which honors the sacredness of our interdependence.
The seemingly “natural” tendency, if one is either the recipient or the one triggering hurtful behavior is to either beat up oneself for being so insensitive, blame the other person for being overly sensitive, or to somehow justify one’s behavior or response. None of these responses has a long term positive affect.
Spiritually, the goal could be:
- Accept that we are imperfect humans and cannot know all the triggers of others.
- Accept that all may, at times, cause harm and will then need to make amends.
- Accept that whether a behavior was purposeful or unintentional, one cannot cause another to behave in a certain manner. One can, of course, intentionally push a button but even that behavior has to do with one’s own issues. The other person did not cause one to behave in that manner.
It may seem as if I am attempting to absolve us of all responsibility. That is certainly not my goal. We have the responsibility to do everything we can to make loving, respectful decisions. We also have the responsibility to let others know when their behavior is unacceptable/hurtful. Yet, when one is hurtful, one can either problem solve to attempt to prevent future hurt or cause more harm. If one is the person receiving harm one can lovingly let the other person know how their behavior is unacceptable and take action to help insure that the person is given the help and support they need. For example, this week a young man drove a car into a group of pedestrians killing several and injuring others. I have no idea why or how his brain made a decision to do that (assuming it was intentional). I do know that he needs to be in a safe place where he cannot harm himself and others and he needs an educated diagnosis and quality treatment. Those hurt or killed did not cause him to behave in the way he did. His behavior was not personal although the effect was very personal. His behavior was the result of his inability, for whatever reason, to make a different choice.
We can either keep blaming and punishing each other or we can focus on identifying the multitude of factors which prevent us humans from functioning as one interdependent unit with many parts.
Written April 24, 2018
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