Now I “know”?
A conversation with myself!
I like to think that I am always searching for new information which is going to allow me to finally understand why I and other humans behave the way that we do. Perhaps if I had gotten a PhD instead of stopping with a master’s degree in clinical psychology I would have found the answers. The truth, of course, is that our human brain is part of a complicated interactional system which is part of a larger interactional system. Many factors determine the why. Yet, when I was listening to a Ted Talk by Celeste Headlee entitled “`10 ways to have a better conversation” and I “heard’ her say, “The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.” I thought, there you have it. It is not my fault that my mind is choosing to rush on to an answer even before the person has finished speaking. Well, actually as I “listen” to myself I know that is not true either. The truth is that it takes a lot of energy and courage to train oneself to slow down one’s mind and attend to what the other person is saying.
Ms. Headlee talks as if just because she has been practicing listening as a talk radio host (who as a singer had to listen to herself and who has descended from distinguished parents and grandparents) that for we ordinary human beings, it is possible to train our minds to attend to what others are saying rather than engaging in a tennis match. Goodness, that analogy would only work if I began a conversation with an equal score of love –love. Sadly, I (if honest) begin many conversations with me 15 and the “opponent” 0. Obviously on many subjects we already know that we know. That being the case, what is the point of having any sort of interaction with another person. It is obviously not accurate to call it a conversation. A conversation would assume a sharing of ideas, information, or the mutual exploration of some topic. Oxford dictionary defines conversation as an exchange of information, ideas, opinions, etc. Writing a blog is not a conversation. It can and often does, as in the case of this blog, lead to a back and forth exchange, but the blog itself is not a conversation.
Offering my opinion or probably more accurately telling someone “the truth” about the merits of presidential candidates in the United States is not a conversation or necessarily the precursor to a conversation.
Ms. Headlee seems to be assuming that there is some advantage to having a conversation and not just pontificating to each other. It would seem that most presidential debates are the stating of opinions which are presented as “the truth” which may deteriorate into arguments with no pretense of having a conversation. Theoretically a debate might present an opportunity for audience members to later engage in a conversation. This would then require that the debater and the audience member make a serious effort to listen to and consider the opinion of the other.
So, what is the point? I have previously extoled the virtue of honing one’s listening skills. The point, from my perspective, is that neither I or anyone else I have “heard” has come up with solutions of how we humans are going to live in a cooperative manner rather than continuously finding new ways to prove that we can force each other with weaponry science to adopt the beliefs and behavior of “the other.”
If I do not have the answers it would behoove me to explore new ways of overcoming the hurdles to sharing the resources of mother earth.
If we are going to explore new ways of overcoming these hurdles, we must start having conversations. The 10 suggested guidelines for having a meaningful conversation which Ms. Headlee purposes are:
1. “ Don’t multitask.
2. Don’t pontificate.
3. Use open ended questions.
4. Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.
5. If you don't know, say that you don't know.
6. Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you.
7. Try not to repeat yourself.
8. Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.
9. Listen.
Be brief.”
Yes, it may be true that the differential between how quickly I hear versus how quickly I talk is 275, but it is not true that this is the primary reason why I do not listen to the ideas of others. I suspect that I could learn to use meditation and other techniques to slow down my mind enough to attend to what the other person(s) is saying. I think the main impediment for this human in slowing down enough to listen is some internalized belief (which may have become a habit) that I have to prove my worth by proving that I know the answer or some answers or at least am not totally clueless much of the time. I do not want to believe that X’s pessimistic view of segments of we humans could be accurate or perhaps I do not want to hear the fear which leads him or her to this stance. Perhaps I become fearful and uncomfortable when another opinion is diametrically opposed to mine.
Perhaps my “excuse” is really just that – an excuse. Now the conversation is between me and me! Perhaps the first person with whom I need to have an honest, open conversation is with myself. Perhaps the 10 rules which Ms. Headlee recommends could be applied to this conversation.
Written February 24, 2016
A conversation with myself!
I like to think that I am always searching for new information which is going to allow me to finally understand why I and other humans behave the way that we do. Perhaps if I had gotten a PhD instead of stopping with a master’s degree in clinical psychology I would have found the answers. The truth, of course, is that our human brain is part of a complicated interactional system which is part of a larger interactional system. Many factors determine the why. Yet, when I was listening to a Ted Talk by Celeste Headlee entitled “`10 ways to have a better conversation” and I “heard’ her say, “The average person talks at about 225 word per minute, but we can listen at up to 500 words per minute.” I thought, there you have it. It is not my fault that my mind is choosing to rush on to an answer even before the person has finished speaking. Well, actually as I “listen” to myself I know that is not true either. The truth is that it takes a lot of energy and courage to train oneself to slow down one’s mind and attend to what the other person is saying.
Ms. Headlee talks as if just because she has been practicing listening as a talk radio host (who as a singer had to listen to herself and who has descended from distinguished parents and grandparents) that for we ordinary human beings, it is possible to train our minds to attend to what others are saying rather than engaging in a tennis match. Goodness, that analogy would only work if I began a conversation with an equal score of love –love. Sadly, I (if honest) begin many conversations with me 15 and the “opponent” 0. Obviously on many subjects we already know that we know. That being the case, what is the point of having any sort of interaction with another person. It is obviously not accurate to call it a conversation. A conversation would assume a sharing of ideas, information, or the mutual exploration of some topic. Oxford dictionary defines conversation as an exchange of information, ideas, opinions, etc. Writing a blog is not a conversation. It can and often does, as in the case of this blog, lead to a back and forth exchange, but the blog itself is not a conversation.
Offering my opinion or probably more accurately telling someone “the truth” about the merits of presidential candidates in the United States is not a conversation or necessarily the precursor to a conversation.
Ms. Headlee seems to be assuming that there is some advantage to having a conversation and not just pontificating to each other. It would seem that most presidential debates are the stating of opinions which are presented as “the truth” which may deteriorate into arguments with no pretense of having a conversation. Theoretically a debate might present an opportunity for audience members to later engage in a conversation. This would then require that the debater and the audience member make a serious effort to listen to and consider the opinion of the other.
So, what is the point? I have previously extoled the virtue of honing one’s listening skills. The point, from my perspective, is that neither I or anyone else I have “heard” has come up with solutions of how we humans are going to live in a cooperative manner rather than continuously finding new ways to prove that we can force each other with weaponry science to adopt the beliefs and behavior of “the other.”
If I do not have the answers it would behoove me to explore new ways of overcoming the hurdles to sharing the resources of mother earth.
If we are going to explore new ways of overcoming these hurdles, we must start having conversations. The 10 suggested guidelines for having a meaningful conversation which Ms. Headlee purposes are:
1. “ Don’t multitask.
2. Don’t pontificate.
3. Use open ended questions.
4. Go with the flow. That means thoughts will come into your mind and you need to let them go out of your mind.
5. If you don't know, say that you don't know.
6. Don't equate your experience with theirs. If they're talking about having lost a family member, don't start talking about the time you lost a family member. If they're talking about the trouble they're having at work, don't tell them about how much you hate your job. It's not the same. It is never the same. All experiences are individual. And, more importantly, it is not about you.
7. Try not to repeat yourself.
8. Stay out of the weeds. Frankly, people don't care about the years, the names, the dates, all those details that you're struggling to come up with in your mind.
9. Listen.
Be brief.”
Yes, it may be true that the differential between how quickly I hear versus how quickly I talk is 275, but it is not true that this is the primary reason why I do not listen to the ideas of others. I suspect that I could learn to use meditation and other techniques to slow down my mind enough to attend to what the other person(s) is saying. I think the main impediment for this human in slowing down enough to listen is some internalized belief (which may have become a habit) that I have to prove my worth by proving that I know the answer or some answers or at least am not totally clueless much of the time. I do not want to believe that X’s pessimistic view of segments of we humans could be accurate or perhaps I do not want to hear the fear which leads him or her to this stance. Perhaps I become fearful and uncomfortable when another opinion is diametrically opposed to mine.
Perhaps my “excuse” is really just that – an excuse. Now the conversation is between me and me! Perhaps the first person with whom I need to have an honest, open conversation is with myself. Perhaps the 10 rules which Ms. Headlee recommends could be applied to this conversation.
Written February 24, 2016
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