Opera time
I was not introduced to medium of opera until I was well into m my adult years. As a small child, attending the opera or other cultural events such as the symphony were not in the budget or repertoire of my parents. Perhaps that is not entirely accurate. There was indeed music and there was the drama of everyday life. This drama was fueled by racism, sexism, and all the other isms which are such an integral part of the life of many of us humans. Yet, the opera of daily life is not always accompanied by the practiced and refined musical notes or the amazing costumes and scenery which one will enjoy when opera is reduced to a few acts and scenes and which is being restricted to the stage.
I have often suggested to clients for whom I am working that they either tone down the opera or that we take a break and work on designing a more colorful and fun costume. In fact, I have been known to create very colorful handkerchiefs measuring one yard by one yard for those who have a propensity to operatize their life. I do this with much love and in hopes of reminding myself as well as them that we can get through current life events with a little less drama.
Sadly, us humans seem particularly fond of getting through life events by creating a drama based the righteous indignation which can come from the decision to find someone to blame. Once one has identified the person to blame – often the most vulnerable person in this circle of this drama- one can begin to design and built the set which will hold this new act in the opera.
While it is true that often all of us humans consciously or unconsciously – intentionally or unintentionally – engage in behavior which might be thoughtless or even mean and vengeful, when one is looking for someone to blame it is as if one is shocked that another person is an imperfect human. The truth often is that the imperfect human might not be the powerful person we are making them out to me. They may indeed have done something which was stressful or hurtful in some manner to another person(s). Yet, that person is not responsible for the drama which one may now be experiencing. No matter what others do or do not do I have the ability to not feed the dramatic opera. Just this week I have been chatting with a dear friend who has to face the fact that that someone is preventing her from doing something which is very appropriate and would be comforting. She has decided that since she may not be able to do action A she will plan on doing action B. She can and does have control over whether she does action B. My friend could rant and curse the person who is standing in the way of action A – an action which would be “normal” and expected given the circumstances. She has, in fact, had moments of frustration, but my friend is not fond of using her energy and time to be on the operatic stage with the person who is preventing action A.
Several families that I know are dealing with the very real and sad fact of having a family member who is dealing with a chronic illness. Some of the family members have a tendency to take the illness of their family member personally and blame the ill person for not being further along in their healing journey or not being able to even choose to begin their healing journey. Some other family member may, at times, blame other family members for causing the illness.
Sometimes we act as if we are a good person who obeys all or most of the rules for being considered a good person and should not have to deal with negative events or conditions. Harold Kushner’s book When Bad Things Happen to Good People has sold millions of copies precisely because of this tendency of we humans to want to believe that we deserve to be rewarded for our good behavior.
Often we adults seem shocked that the world is unfair, unjust or just plain sucks. We may teach our children that one does the next right thing because it is the next right thing and not because of some promised or expected reward. Yet, there is a part of us which seems to still expect to be given the green sucker because we did the next right thing. Now there is nothing wrong with the green sucker, but if one goes through life demanding that one be tangibly rewarded for doing the next right then, of course, one will eventually only do the next right thing because of the particular external reward. Of course, being the stars of one’s own opera we will expect an elaborate ceremony with an elaborate set design, fabulous costumes and amazing music.
For today I will be more aware of my own expectations and my own tendency to want someone to blame when some person or situation does not behave in the way that I have choreographed in my head. I will also be more aware of my tendency to blame and create an operatic moment or hour or …
Written July 20, 2017
I was not introduced to medium of opera until I was well into m my adult years. As a small child, attending the opera or other cultural events such as the symphony were not in the budget or repertoire of my parents. Perhaps that is not entirely accurate. There was indeed music and there was the drama of everyday life. This drama was fueled by racism, sexism, and all the other isms which are such an integral part of the life of many of us humans. Yet, the opera of daily life is not always accompanied by the practiced and refined musical notes or the amazing costumes and scenery which one will enjoy when opera is reduced to a few acts and scenes and which is being restricted to the stage.
I have often suggested to clients for whom I am working that they either tone down the opera or that we take a break and work on designing a more colorful and fun costume. In fact, I have been known to create very colorful handkerchiefs measuring one yard by one yard for those who have a propensity to operatize their life. I do this with much love and in hopes of reminding myself as well as them that we can get through current life events with a little less drama.
Sadly, us humans seem particularly fond of getting through life events by creating a drama based the righteous indignation which can come from the decision to find someone to blame. Once one has identified the person to blame – often the most vulnerable person in this circle of this drama- one can begin to design and built the set which will hold this new act in the opera.
While it is true that often all of us humans consciously or unconsciously – intentionally or unintentionally – engage in behavior which might be thoughtless or even mean and vengeful, when one is looking for someone to blame it is as if one is shocked that another person is an imperfect human. The truth often is that the imperfect human might not be the powerful person we are making them out to me. They may indeed have done something which was stressful or hurtful in some manner to another person(s). Yet, that person is not responsible for the drama which one may now be experiencing. No matter what others do or do not do I have the ability to not feed the dramatic opera. Just this week I have been chatting with a dear friend who has to face the fact that that someone is preventing her from doing something which is very appropriate and would be comforting. She has decided that since she may not be able to do action A she will plan on doing action B. She can and does have control over whether she does action B. My friend could rant and curse the person who is standing in the way of action A – an action which would be “normal” and expected given the circumstances. She has, in fact, had moments of frustration, but my friend is not fond of using her energy and time to be on the operatic stage with the person who is preventing action A.
Several families that I know are dealing with the very real and sad fact of having a family member who is dealing with a chronic illness. Some of the family members have a tendency to take the illness of their family member personally and blame the ill person for not being further along in their healing journey or not being able to even choose to begin their healing journey. Some other family member may, at times, blame other family members for causing the illness.
Sometimes we act as if we are a good person who obeys all or most of the rules for being considered a good person and should not have to deal with negative events or conditions. Harold Kushner’s book When Bad Things Happen to Good People has sold millions of copies precisely because of this tendency of we humans to want to believe that we deserve to be rewarded for our good behavior.
Often we adults seem shocked that the world is unfair, unjust or just plain sucks. We may teach our children that one does the next right thing because it is the next right thing and not because of some promised or expected reward. Yet, there is a part of us which seems to still expect to be given the green sucker because we did the next right thing. Now there is nothing wrong with the green sucker, but if one goes through life demanding that one be tangibly rewarded for doing the next right then, of course, one will eventually only do the next right thing because of the particular external reward. Of course, being the stars of one’s own opera we will expect an elaborate ceremony with an elaborate set design, fabulous costumes and amazing music.
For today I will be more aware of my own expectations and my own tendency to want someone to blame when some person or situation does not behave in the way that I have choreographed in my head. I will also be more aware of my tendency to blame and create an operatic moment or hour or …
Written July 20, 2017
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