Our evolving story
Many of us do not think of ourselves as a novelist or even a story teller, but the truth is that our story is constantly evolving. Sadly, we often think or believe that our story is static – “the story”. If reporting on the same event, each witness will swear that his or her story is “the story” when in fact there are as many true stories are there are witnesses. Does this mean that there was no event which is the same for all of us? No, it does not mean that. All witnesses may agree that there was an incident which involved two vehicles and that one or more people were fatally injured. Later it may be revealed that one of the people was not fatally injured in the crash but had a heart attack which resulted in their vehicle going out of control, hitting the other vehicle which then resulted in the fatality. Perhaps there are even more stories from people who thought they knew those involved.
I talked to a person recently who was telling me about their violent, abusive father. This person is still, many years later, very angry at their father. Obviously, the anger is not surprising. This child did not cause the father to be mean and abusive. The child was trapped in this unsafe home until they became old enough to leave physically, In the meantime they may have left emotionally. At some point the child may have discovered the numbing relief of alcohol or some other drug(s). They may also have held on to his anger, but did not take the anger out on others as did the father. Anger did push others away soo they could not get close to the pain. In their mind, they needed to hang on to the anger as a protective shield. One might ask about the similarities between the anger of the father which seemed to be directed outward and the anger of the child which seemed to be directed inward. Both used the anger as a shield. I know nothing of the etiology of the anger of the father. Perhaps he was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Perhaps he was projecting his hatred of himself onto his family members. Perhaps he was physically incapable of experiencing empathy. All we know for certain is that he was unable to be the teaching, loving father which this person needed.
One story is that the father was just a mean, abusive person who deserved to experience the pain he inflicted upon others. Another story is that the father had no clue about how to deal with his own pain and experienced others as adding to his pain.
For the person with whom I was speaking, one story may be that their history of addiction and self- hate was caused by the behavior of the father. They may also blame the father for the painful life journey of other family members. They may see the entire family as a victim of dad’s violent behavior. Another story is that all the events of their life – positive and negative – have led them to this moment in which is they are able to be a blessing to others. This does not justify the violence the father may have suffered, the violence the father inflicted upon others, or the pain, fear, loneliness, and anger which has been the constant companion of the person with whom I was talking. Yet, it is another potentially accurate version of the story.
Some individuals have a very static story which they hold on to for their entire lives. Some stumble on a story which feeds pain, anger, sometimes addiction, and for some a life of destructive behavior which may result in years of cruel incarceration. Some, for a variety of reasons, look for a story editor. A personal story editor may be a coach, sponsor, mentor, therapist, spiritual director or some combination of these. The editor will undoubtedly recommend that that the person practice what the 12-step program calls the HOW – honestly, open mindedness and willingness. The practice of the HOW may seem very painful at times but can lead to personal healing, forgiveness, and even internal peace.
Written August 1, 2018
Many of us do not think of ourselves as a novelist or even a story teller, but the truth is that our story is constantly evolving. Sadly, we often think or believe that our story is static – “the story”. If reporting on the same event, each witness will swear that his or her story is “the story” when in fact there are as many true stories are there are witnesses. Does this mean that there was no event which is the same for all of us? No, it does not mean that. All witnesses may agree that there was an incident which involved two vehicles and that one or more people were fatally injured. Later it may be revealed that one of the people was not fatally injured in the crash but had a heart attack which resulted in their vehicle going out of control, hitting the other vehicle which then resulted in the fatality. Perhaps there are even more stories from people who thought they knew those involved.
I talked to a person recently who was telling me about their violent, abusive father. This person is still, many years later, very angry at their father. Obviously, the anger is not surprising. This child did not cause the father to be mean and abusive. The child was trapped in this unsafe home until they became old enough to leave physically, In the meantime they may have left emotionally. At some point the child may have discovered the numbing relief of alcohol or some other drug(s). They may also have held on to his anger, but did not take the anger out on others as did the father. Anger did push others away soo they could not get close to the pain. In their mind, they needed to hang on to the anger as a protective shield. One might ask about the similarities between the anger of the father which seemed to be directed outward and the anger of the child which seemed to be directed inward. Both used the anger as a shield. I know nothing of the etiology of the anger of the father. Perhaps he was emotionally and physically abused as a child. Perhaps he was projecting his hatred of himself onto his family members. Perhaps he was physically incapable of experiencing empathy. All we know for certain is that he was unable to be the teaching, loving father which this person needed.
One story is that the father was just a mean, abusive person who deserved to experience the pain he inflicted upon others. Another story is that the father had no clue about how to deal with his own pain and experienced others as adding to his pain.
For the person with whom I was speaking, one story may be that their history of addiction and self- hate was caused by the behavior of the father. They may also blame the father for the painful life journey of other family members. They may see the entire family as a victim of dad’s violent behavior. Another story is that all the events of their life – positive and negative – have led them to this moment in which is they are able to be a blessing to others. This does not justify the violence the father may have suffered, the violence the father inflicted upon others, or the pain, fear, loneliness, and anger which has been the constant companion of the person with whom I was talking. Yet, it is another potentially accurate version of the story.
Some individuals have a very static story which they hold on to for their entire lives. Some stumble on a story which feeds pain, anger, sometimes addiction, and for some a life of destructive behavior which may result in years of cruel incarceration. Some, for a variety of reasons, look for a story editor. A personal story editor may be a coach, sponsor, mentor, therapist, spiritual director or some combination of these. The editor will undoubtedly recommend that that the person practice what the 12-step program calls the HOW – honestly, open mindedness and willingness. The practice of the HOW may seem very painful at times but can lead to personal healing, forgiveness, and even internal peace.
Written August 1, 2018
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