Our story
Throughout my life I have put myself in the midst of situations which caused me great anxiety. The anxiety has been primarily related to the fact that I ‘knew” that this was the time I had grossly overstepped the boundaries and would be exposed as a fraud. Sometime the fear was justified. Sometimes it was not.
In the case of my first marriage I knew, at some deep level, that there was something different about me. I probably even knew then that I was primarily gay although I had yet to apply that label to myself . I somehow convinced myself or bought into what I had heard. “I just needed the right woman to confirm my heterosexuality.” Still, we together conceived this wonderful person, our son, who today is this delightful human being.
There were many other occasions when my anxiety arose from stories which I learned early in life. It does not matter how or where I learned these stories. So many factors affect what a child learns to believe about himself or herself. Some of these stories were disproven many times over the years and, yet, I continued to believe them. One of those stories, for example, was that I had only a minimally functional intellectual ability. Yet, knowing this I:
Kept attending various training program offered by the U. S. Navy.
Based on the advice/recommendation/orders of my Captain, I applied to attend Naval Prep School for a year which, for a member of the enlisted corps, was a step towards getting an appointment to the U. S. Naval Academy.
Agreed to accept an appointment to attend the U. S. Naval Academy.
Took a job as assistant administrative officer for a naval research organization.
Entered a college to study philosophy.
Applied and was accepted to get a Masters of Divinity degree at a very competitive seminary.
Applied and was accepted to Masters of Science program.
Signed up for and took ballet lessons in my thirties.
Accepted positions for various jobs including statistician, pastor of a church, computer programmer, and others.
What was wrong with me? If I “knew” that I was barely functional intellectually, why would I keep putting myself in these and many other situations which required an intellectual and physical ability as well as an agility which I “knew” I did not possess? Every time I put myself in one of these positions which conflicted with some deeply internalized story I got very anxious. No amount of self-talk would or will immediately lessen the anxiety. When the anxiety visits I have two choices:
1. Continue with the planned activity and live with the anxiety.
2. Allow the anxiety to take charge and withdraw from the planned activity.
Invariability, my choice is number 1. My need to live a life which is fulfilling and of which I am proud always or almost always trumps the anxiety.
Every day all of us face similar decisions. Do we choose the emotionally safe road and live with the disappointment and possible boredom or do we take what Soren Kierkegaard called the leap of faith?
I just talked to a women who feels as if she cannot survive living without the person with whom she has fallen in love. This person is still married and even though this person has not been intimate with his partner for some time, no separation is planned for at least the next several years or at least until all the kids finish high school. Even then some event could convince this couple that they need to stay together. Anything could happen. One of them or one of the children could get seriously ill resulting in them deciding to stay together. On the other hand, of them could decide that life is too short and decide a divorce is the best option. They could fall back in love.
Of course, the woman to whom I talked wants reassurance that there is a definite time frame and that she can be assured – as much as anyone can be assured – that she has a future with this person. She has decided that since she cannot have the relationship she wants and feels she needs, she will end the relationship. Yet, the story she tells herself is that the other person is unwilling to take an emotional risk. This leaves her feeling as if she is powerless and, thus, a victim.
For a very long time, this woman to whom I have been talking has avoided strong feelings other than for her daughter. For many years she was able to turn off uncomfortable feelings whether by numbing or just avoiding them. She told herself that either she did not have to experience them or could not experience them. She has since learned that she is much stronger than she believed that she was. She has also learned something of the freedom that we experience when we allow ourselves to face the discomfort of certain emotions and walk/crawl/stumble through them. Still, when a new set of emotions arise she has to, once again, remind self that she is not that weak, fragile person the old story/the anxiety might tell her she is.
One might legitimately ask, “Do we ever get rid of the anxiety?” I would have to respond, “Not really.” We can get to the place where we just notice it and remind ourselves that we are much stronger than we feel; that we can make decisions based on the new truths. In other words we repeat the new story to ourselves.
I was listing to a woman author talk about the process of writing and how the characters seem to take over the story at some point. Every author to whom I have ever listened has talked about that process. It is the same with us only we are both the author and the character in the story. We can allow whatever story we learn as a child about ourselves to determine our lives or we can write a new story. The new story may or may not feel like a good fit but if we keep trying it on we always find that we are in charge of our story. It has to be within the context of details over which we have no control, but no matter what the circumstance, it can be our story and not the story someone attempted to impose on us.
Written January 21, 2016
Throughout my life I have put myself in the midst of situations which caused me great anxiety. The anxiety has been primarily related to the fact that I ‘knew” that this was the time I had grossly overstepped the boundaries and would be exposed as a fraud. Sometime the fear was justified. Sometimes it was not.
In the case of my first marriage I knew, at some deep level, that there was something different about me. I probably even knew then that I was primarily gay although I had yet to apply that label to myself . I somehow convinced myself or bought into what I had heard. “I just needed the right woman to confirm my heterosexuality.” Still, we together conceived this wonderful person, our son, who today is this delightful human being.
There were many other occasions when my anxiety arose from stories which I learned early in life. It does not matter how or where I learned these stories. So many factors affect what a child learns to believe about himself or herself. Some of these stories were disproven many times over the years and, yet, I continued to believe them. One of those stories, for example, was that I had only a minimally functional intellectual ability. Yet, knowing this I:
Kept attending various training program offered by the U. S. Navy.
Based on the advice/recommendation/orders of my Captain, I applied to attend Naval Prep School for a year which, for a member of the enlisted corps, was a step towards getting an appointment to the U. S. Naval Academy.
Agreed to accept an appointment to attend the U. S. Naval Academy.
Took a job as assistant administrative officer for a naval research organization.
Entered a college to study philosophy.
Applied and was accepted to get a Masters of Divinity degree at a very competitive seminary.
Applied and was accepted to Masters of Science program.
Signed up for and took ballet lessons in my thirties.
Accepted positions for various jobs including statistician, pastor of a church, computer programmer, and others.
What was wrong with me? If I “knew” that I was barely functional intellectually, why would I keep putting myself in these and many other situations which required an intellectual and physical ability as well as an agility which I “knew” I did not possess? Every time I put myself in one of these positions which conflicted with some deeply internalized story I got very anxious. No amount of self-talk would or will immediately lessen the anxiety. When the anxiety visits I have two choices:
1. Continue with the planned activity and live with the anxiety.
2. Allow the anxiety to take charge and withdraw from the planned activity.
Invariability, my choice is number 1. My need to live a life which is fulfilling and of which I am proud always or almost always trumps the anxiety.
Every day all of us face similar decisions. Do we choose the emotionally safe road and live with the disappointment and possible boredom or do we take what Soren Kierkegaard called the leap of faith?
I just talked to a women who feels as if she cannot survive living without the person with whom she has fallen in love. This person is still married and even though this person has not been intimate with his partner for some time, no separation is planned for at least the next several years or at least until all the kids finish high school. Even then some event could convince this couple that they need to stay together. Anything could happen. One of them or one of the children could get seriously ill resulting in them deciding to stay together. On the other hand, of them could decide that life is too short and decide a divorce is the best option. They could fall back in love.
Of course, the woman to whom I talked wants reassurance that there is a definite time frame and that she can be assured – as much as anyone can be assured – that she has a future with this person. She has decided that since she cannot have the relationship she wants and feels she needs, she will end the relationship. Yet, the story she tells herself is that the other person is unwilling to take an emotional risk. This leaves her feeling as if she is powerless and, thus, a victim.
For a very long time, this woman to whom I have been talking has avoided strong feelings other than for her daughter. For many years she was able to turn off uncomfortable feelings whether by numbing or just avoiding them. She told herself that either she did not have to experience them or could not experience them. She has since learned that she is much stronger than she believed that she was. She has also learned something of the freedom that we experience when we allow ourselves to face the discomfort of certain emotions and walk/crawl/stumble through them. Still, when a new set of emotions arise she has to, once again, remind self that she is not that weak, fragile person the old story/the anxiety might tell her she is.
One might legitimately ask, “Do we ever get rid of the anxiety?” I would have to respond, “Not really.” We can get to the place where we just notice it and remind ourselves that we are much stronger than we feel; that we can make decisions based on the new truths. In other words we repeat the new story to ourselves.
I was listing to a woman author talk about the process of writing and how the characters seem to take over the story at some point. Every author to whom I have ever listened has talked about that process. It is the same with us only we are both the author and the character in the story. We can allow whatever story we learn as a child about ourselves to determine our lives or we can write a new story. The new story may or may not feel like a good fit but if we keep trying it on we always find that we are in charge of our story. It has to be within the context of details over which we have no control, but no matter what the circumstance, it can be our story and not the story someone attempted to impose on us.
Written January 21, 2016
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