Parenting
Most of us remember what it was like to hold our child or each of our children for the first time. We knew this child was the magic which happened when the sperm and the egg decided to join forces for nine months. No matter how we felt about the initial announcement of the pregnancy - the body speaking directly to the heart and mind of the female and being confirmed by a medical test - by the time the child emerged they settled into one’s arms and heart. Of course, we might have worried about finances and all the possible ways we could fail our child or children. Soon our initial parenting duties fell into place. Food and liquid in. Food and liquid out. Bathing, changing, comforting. Just observing the magic of daily changes in this new person warmed our hearts even while we longed for one night’s sleep.
All too soon parenting was about simultaneously holding tight and letting go. Much too soon our child(children) was clearly saying “I can do it myself.” Of course, that did not, in most case, include a profession of financial independence. Eventually - a minute really - we found that this tiny miracle was officially an adult and was busy testing their ability to carve out their own path.
For far too many of us, addiction, another mental illness, other medical issues or even death stole the story of the parent-child relationship. In my case bipolar illness of my then wife and our son and my own shortcomings stole the story I had written for us. For others addiction arrived to steal the relationship, the bank account, trust and the family sanity. For still others cancer of other illness took over the story. Some of those stories abruptly ended in death via suicide, murder, addiction, cancer, brain aneurysm or a host other “diseases”.
For those of us with children whose story has thus been stolen we may have borrowed the unfair stereotype of the Jewish mother or father who is going to hold on to the illusion of control and, often, despite all evidence of the contrary, the Hallmark family portrait. Yet, it becomes increasingly obvious, our attempt at control destroys any illusion or delusion of that Hallmark photo. If lucky we may discover self-help groups, therapy or both. We are then reminded that our only job is to strand by ready to “kill the fatted calf” and welcome the still living parodical child home. Of course. we still lock up the silver, money, jewelry, and medication just in case the illness reappears to again steal them.
We are reminded again and again our most important job as parent is to not confuse the child with the disease. Our job is to love unconditionally and to not delude ourselves into thinking we are the knight in shining armor, superman or women, Batman or some other mythical character who can rescue our child. We are reminded that we may be asked to pay for treatment while the character who is masquerading as our child is blaming alleged parenting deficits on his or or failure to pass the Hallmark adult child test. Any of us parents can whip out our own list of our parenting failures - all the F minuses we received even while our scientific brain processes the fact that we are powerless to cause our child to craft such a tragic life or to prevent our child from becoming the next Dali Lama.
Obviously, we, as parents, wound our children but without active addiction, other mental illness, or medical conditions affecting the teamwork of the neurons in their brains children survive and thrive beyond that wounding. A shaman, some other wise person or therapist may need to help the child move past the wounds, but most do move beyond the wounds with an adult acceptance that parents too are human.
As parents our job is to accept responsibility for the wounds but without the drama of a Wagnerian opera, to make amends when possible and to not deprive the adult child (children) of the responsibility and freedom of the choices they are able to make within the context of illness which affect the communication of the neurons in their brain.
The parenting contract does not ever alleviate the parent of the responsibility of welcoming home the prodigal child. The golden rules for the parent of adult children are:
o Love unconditionally.
o Do not confuse the child with their illness.
o Do not take behavior of children personally or take responsibility for their illness.
o Practice making amends when appropriate, but do not engage in unseeming groveling.
o Do not accept invitation to drama.
o Do lock up all valuables.
o Focus on own health so one can practice steps 1 -6 above.
o Get lots of support which includes much shared laughter.
o Keep in constant contact with the god of one’s understanding.
Written October 29, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Most of us remember what it was like to hold our child or each of our children for the first time. We knew this child was the magic which happened when the sperm and the egg decided to join forces for nine months. No matter how we felt about the initial announcement of the pregnancy - the body speaking directly to the heart and mind of the female and being confirmed by a medical test - by the time the child emerged they settled into one’s arms and heart. Of course, we might have worried about finances and all the possible ways we could fail our child or children. Soon our initial parenting duties fell into place. Food and liquid in. Food and liquid out. Bathing, changing, comforting. Just observing the magic of daily changes in this new person warmed our hearts even while we longed for one night’s sleep.
All too soon parenting was about simultaneously holding tight and letting go. Much too soon our child(children) was clearly saying “I can do it myself.” Of course, that did not, in most case, include a profession of financial independence. Eventually - a minute really - we found that this tiny miracle was officially an adult and was busy testing their ability to carve out their own path.
For far too many of us, addiction, another mental illness, other medical issues or even death stole the story of the parent-child relationship. In my case bipolar illness of my then wife and our son and my own shortcomings stole the story I had written for us. For others addiction arrived to steal the relationship, the bank account, trust and the family sanity. For still others cancer of other illness took over the story. Some of those stories abruptly ended in death via suicide, murder, addiction, cancer, brain aneurysm or a host other “diseases”.
For those of us with children whose story has thus been stolen we may have borrowed the unfair stereotype of the Jewish mother or father who is going to hold on to the illusion of control and, often, despite all evidence of the contrary, the Hallmark family portrait. Yet, it becomes increasingly obvious, our attempt at control destroys any illusion or delusion of that Hallmark photo. If lucky we may discover self-help groups, therapy or both. We are then reminded that our only job is to strand by ready to “kill the fatted calf” and welcome the still living parodical child home. Of course. we still lock up the silver, money, jewelry, and medication just in case the illness reappears to again steal them.
We are reminded again and again our most important job as parent is to not confuse the child with the disease. Our job is to love unconditionally and to not delude ourselves into thinking we are the knight in shining armor, superman or women, Batman or some other mythical character who can rescue our child. We are reminded that we may be asked to pay for treatment while the character who is masquerading as our child is blaming alleged parenting deficits on his or or failure to pass the Hallmark adult child test. Any of us parents can whip out our own list of our parenting failures - all the F minuses we received even while our scientific brain processes the fact that we are powerless to cause our child to craft such a tragic life or to prevent our child from becoming the next Dali Lama.
Obviously, we, as parents, wound our children but without active addiction, other mental illness, or medical conditions affecting the teamwork of the neurons in their brains children survive and thrive beyond that wounding. A shaman, some other wise person or therapist may need to help the child move past the wounds, but most do move beyond the wounds with an adult acceptance that parents too are human.
As parents our job is to accept responsibility for the wounds but without the drama of a Wagnerian opera, to make amends when possible and to not deprive the adult child (children) of the responsibility and freedom of the choices they are able to make within the context of illness which affect the communication of the neurons in their brain.
The parenting contract does not ever alleviate the parent of the responsibility of welcoming home the prodigal child. The golden rules for the parent of adult children are:
o Love unconditionally.
o Do not confuse the child with their illness.
o Do not take behavior of children personally or take responsibility for their illness.
o Practice making amends when appropriate, but do not engage in unseeming groveling.
o Do not accept invitation to drama.
o Do lock up all valuables.
o Focus on own health so one can practice steps 1 -6 above.
o Get lots of support which includes much shared laughter.
o Keep in constant contact with the god of one’s understanding.
Written October 29, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
RSS Feed