Parenting
Today is Jamie’s, my son’s 49th birthday. He is living in Los Angeles with his partner Karen and their beloved pets. As his father I am delighted that he and his partner are there to take care of and nurture each other emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. I know his mother is also very pleased that he has such a loving and energizing relationship.
He is also just past the one-year anniversary of the podcast Giant Panda on which he interviews authors. In the course of the interviews he and his guests explore a wide range of topics relating not only to writing but to how we live together on this planet and in this universe.
As I think about these past 49 years, I am looking at a photo of him at about age 2 – curly hair, smiling and seemingly delighted with life. There is nothing of the pain and frustration which will greet him later in life. At age 2 his worst discomfort was usually physical, not being able to say what would make him feel better and learning, even then, that neither mom nor dad could always kiss the hurt away. Sadly, this lesson was to be repeated over and over in the ensuing years as his parents struggled to find their way first as a couple and later in separate households.
It would be easy to write about the hope that, as a parent, I would not make any of the mistakes of my parents made. All too soon I had to give up that delusion as well as many others. The primary delusion all parents must face and let go of is that of having any control. One cannot make the world okay for one’s child. One cannot control the decisions of the child. If a child is like many of us, he or she is very stubborn or tenacious depending on one’s point of view. They have to make their own mistakes and they have to work through and live with the mistakes of we parents. No matter how much dad or mom think the child could save a lot of existential angst and dire consequences they have to learn for themselves. With a lot of luck, prayers, and much gnashing of teeth we parents survive and children and parents live to laugh over some of the memories.
Sadly, of course, many children do not live through their mistakes and parents are left to ask many “what if” questions.
Even when our child lives and has a good life parents such as me approach their birthday with the open book of parental actions. We will pour over each entry asking what we could have, should have, might have done differently. We could have been better listeners, more courageous, and more aware of the impact of our decisions on our child.
The paradox, of course, is the truth that my son was talking about with his guest author, Kate Hope Day this week. The truth is that fate, circumstances, bad and good decisions all bring us to who we are today. Today I am proud of my son and am delighted that he is exactly the person he is. I would change nothing because that would change him and his life in some essential way.
So today I can work on acceptance and hope that if there is a next life journey as a parent, I am a little less clueless, more courageous, a better listener, less self-centered and most important in possession of a very acute sense of humor.
Written December 4, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
Today is Jamie’s, my son’s 49th birthday. He is living in Los Angeles with his partner Karen and their beloved pets. As his father I am delighted that he and his partner are there to take care of and nurture each other emotionally, intellectually and spiritually. I know his mother is also very pleased that he has such a loving and energizing relationship.
He is also just past the one-year anniversary of the podcast Giant Panda on which he interviews authors. In the course of the interviews he and his guests explore a wide range of topics relating not only to writing but to how we live together on this planet and in this universe.
As I think about these past 49 years, I am looking at a photo of him at about age 2 – curly hair, smiling and seemingly delighted with life. There is nothing of the pain and frustration which will greet him later in life. At age 2 his worst discomfort was usually physical, not being able to say what would make him feel better and learning, even then, that neither mom nor dad could always kiss the hurt away. Sadly, this lesson was to be repeated over and over in the ensuing years as his parents struggled to find their way first as a couple and later in separate households.
It would be easy to write about the hope that, as a parent, I would not make any of the mistakes of my parents made. All too soon I had to give up that delusion as well as many others. The primary delusion all parents must face and let go of is that of having any control. One cannot make the world okay for one’s child. One cannot control the decisions of the child. If a child is like many of us, he or she is very stubborn or tenacious depending on one’s point of view. They have to make their own mistakes and they have to work through and live with the mistakes of we parents. No matter how much dad or mom think the child could save a lot of existential angst and dire consequences they have to learn for themselves. With a lot of luck, prayers, and much gnashing of teeth we parents survive and children and parents live to laugh over some of the memories.
Sadly, of course, many children do not live through their mistakes and parents are left to ask many “what if” questions.
Even when our child lives and has a good life parents such as me approach their birthday with the open book of parental actions. We will pour over each entry asking what we could have, should have, might have done differently. We could have been better listeners, more courageous, and more aware of the impact of our decisions on our child.
The paradox, of course, is the truth that my son was talking about with his guest author, Kate Hope Day this week. The truth is that fate, circumstances, bad and good decisions all bring us to who we are today. Today I am proud of my son and am delighted that he is exactly the person he is. I would change nothing because that would change him and his life in some essential way.
So today I can work on acceptance and hope that if there is a next life journey as a parent, I am a little less clueless, more courageous, a better listener, less self-centered and most important in possession of a very acute sense of humor.
Written December 4, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
Coachpickett.org
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