Permission to bully
This morning while at the gym I found myself wondering how we as elders determine the age at which it is okay to be a bully.
Most parents are very clear that it is not okay for their child to bully other children. Most school now have anti-bullying policies. Increasingly, social media sites staff are making it clear that it is not okay to use the sites to bully others.
Oxford dictionary defines bully as “A person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidates those whom they perceive as vulnerable.”
Oxford dictionary offers the following synonyms for bully: “persecutor, oppressor, tyrant, tormentor, browbeater, intimidator, coercer, subjugator, scourge, tough, bully boy, ruffian, thug, attack dog.”
The key word when looking at the definition is vulnerable. The person being bullied is perceived as being vulnerable. Vulnerability can be perceived to be related to physical size, strength, social status, academic performance, religion, different ableness, race, or sexual orientation. It is not as if any of these factors themselves result in a person being vulnerable. If a person has internalized a negative self-concept they will appear more vulnerable. Certainly, the bully might perceive vulnerability. If, however, it is discovered that the person is not vulnerable, the bully will go on to another target.
The bully has himself or herself learned their self-worth is based on power, social status of parents, gang membership or some other external factor. Thus, they have to keep proving their worth over and over again.
In other words, the bully has not learned that he or she is intrinsically worthwhile. If one is going to change the behavior of the bully, he or she must be convinced that they have intrinsic worth and that playing bullying behavior forward does not benefit anyone long term.
One can find links to many programs which address and teach techniques to reduce bully behavior as well as teaching other relationship techniques. Three of these are “Ditchthelabel.org; bestrong.global, and pacer.org.
Despite all these very laudable efforts to reduce bullying behavior by school age children 9 (Grades 1-12), in the adult world bully behavior seems to be considered not only an acceptable technique in business and politics but a necessary and respected way of functioning.
Apparently, bully behavior is like drinking alcohol. At some point in one’s development it becomes an acceptable and even desirable way of functioning. Until one attains that age or developmental stage it is unacceptable or not age appropriate behavior. In college and even beyond getting drunk and behaving in ways which is not considerate of or respectful of self and others is considered acceptable. If one crosses the line to addictive behavior it is not acceptable. The same is true for bullying behavior. If one gains financial or political success and status by bullying it is often respected. If one is not “successful” it is not acceptable.
Unless and until our adult behavior matches the behavior, we say we want to teach our children no anti-bullying program is going to be successful long term.
Written April 9, 2018
This morning while at the gym I found myself wondering how we as elders determine the age at which it is okay to be a bully.
Most parents are very clear that it is not okay for their child to bully other children. Most school now have anti-bullying policies. Increasingly, social media sites staff are making it clear that it is not okay to use the sites to bully others.
Oxford dictionary defines bully as “A person who habitually seeks to harm or intimidates those whom they perceive as vulnerable.”
Oxford dictionary offers the following synonyms for bully: “persecutor, oppressor, tyrant, tormentor, browbeater, intimidator, coercer, subjugator, scourge, tough, bully boy, ruffian, thug, attack dog.”
The key word when looking at the definition is vulnerable. The person being bullied is perceived as being vulnerable. Vulnerability can be perceived to be related to physical size, strength, social status, academic performance, religion, different ableness, race, or sexual orientation. It is not as if any of these factors themselves result in a person being vulnerable. If a person has internalized a negative self-concept they will appear more vulnerable. Certainly, the bully might perceive vulnerability. If, however, it is discovered that the person is not vulnerable, the bully will go on to another target.
The bully has himself or herself learned their self-worth is based on power, social status of parents, gang membership or some other external factor. Thus, they have to keep proving their worth over and over again.
In other words, the bully has not learned that he or she is intrinsically worthwhile. If one is going to change the behavior of the bully, he or she must be convinced that they have intrinsic worth and that playing bullying behavior forward does not benefit anyone long term.
One can find links to many programs which address and teach techniques to reduce bully behavior as well as teaching other relationship techniques. Three of these are “Ditchthelabel.org; bestrong.global, and pacer.org.
Despite all these very laudable efforts to reduce bullying behavior by school age children 9 (Grades 1-12), in the adult world bully behavior seems to be considered not only an acceptable technique in business and politics but a necessary and respected way of functioning.
Apparently, bully behavior is like drinking alcohol. At some point in one’s development it becomes an acceptable and even desirable way of functioning. Until one attains that age or developmental stage it is unacceptable or not age appropriate behavior. In college and even beyond getting drunk and behaving in ways which is not considerate of or respectful of self and others is considered acceptable. If one crosses the line to addictive behavior it is not acceptable. The same is true for bullying behavior. If one gains financial or political success and status by bullying it is often respected. If one is not “successful” it is not acceptable.
Unless and until our adult behavior matches the behavior, we say we want to teach our children no anti-bullying program is going to be successful long term.
Written April 9, 2018
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