Please walk with me – not in front of or behind me
The willingness and ability to be with the pain of others is a lovely gift. Yet, if not careful one can either:
Care providers are especially prone to falling into one of these traps. In both cases the care giver will eventually experience burn out. Symptoms of burn out can be low energy, anger, resentment, illness or any which indicate that one is attempting to function on the fumes of empty.
As parents, one had to face the fact that one could not always kiss one’s child’s hurt and make it instantly go away. Healing often takes time. The world is often unfair and unjust. Illness which is unresponsive to treatment visits. The initial benefits or good feelings of alcohol or other drug addiction often combined with another mental illness resists any attempts of help or healing until the pain outweighs the temporary relief. Clinical depression can suddenly become so acute the person loses all hope and commits suicide. One may chastise or punish oneself for not doing something even though there was nothing one could have done.
As health care providers we can sometimes perform surgery, provide the magic medication, acupuncture, massage or other treatment. On the other hand, often the illness Is not responsive to any of our efforts.
If one is going to be helpful care takers or providers one has to learn the skill of simultaneously being with the pain of others while not taking responsibility for the health of the other person or attempting to take on their pain. One can, of course, within the context of the roles as parents, medical staff, therapists, police, firefighters, and host of other roles provide healing care to some people. For others the best one can do is to be lovingly present while not making their illness about one. Last night I heard a young man talk about the process of being with a friend who had relapsed and eventually died of his disease of addiction. When the friend relapsed he continued to provide loving support but did not try to fix him or neglect his own health care.
When one is walking alongside of someone else one is not walking in front demanding they follow one nor is one walking behind pushing them forward along the path one has chosen for them. One is simply present with them. If there is something practical they want one to do one can do that. If, at some point, one needs to call for additional help one can do that. People who work with those living the last stage of their life learn that in addition to medical care to ease the discomfort of the last steps of the journey, being quietly present, reading or singing to them provide the optimal comfort. Often it comes time for health care workers and family members, if present, to let them know it is okay to let go; that they will be fine.
Whether one lives or dies is not always the most important issue. Of course one wants to honor the sacredness of all life. Yet, no matter who or what life form one is, all, at some point, have to let go of this journey. Some of us old folks now know that this life journey at best is only two minutes long. The best we can do is to show up with unconditional love . if there is something practical we can do which the other person wants then it is important we do our best to give that gift without censure, judgement or burdening the other person with the responsibility for our happiness.
Written August 3, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
The willingness and ability to be with the pain of others is a lovely gift. Yet, if not careful one can either:
- Take on the pain of others, soon having nothing left to give and then shutting down emotionally.
- Attempt to fix the other person whether they are ready/able to be “fixed” according to one’s values, suggestions or demands.
Care providers are especially prone to falling into one of these traps. In both cases the care giver will eventually experience burn out. Symptoms of burn out can be low energy, anger, resentment, illness or any which indicate that one is attempting to function on the fumes of empty.
As parents, one had to face the fact that one could not always kiss one’s child’s hurt and make it instantly go away. Healing often takes time. The world is often unfair and unjust. Illness which is unresponsive to treatment visits. The initial benefits or good feelings of alcohol or other drug addiction often combined with another mental illness resists any attempts of help or healing until the pain outweighs the temporary relief. Clinical depression can suddenly become so acute the person loses all hope and commits suicide. One may chastise or punish oneself for not doing something even though there was nothing one could have done.
As health care providers we can sometimes perform surgery, provide the magic medication, acupuncture, massage or other treatment. On the other hand, often the illness Is not responsive to any of our efforts.
If one is going to be helpful care takers or providers one has to learn the skill of simultaneously being with the pain of others while not taking responsibility for the health of the other person or attempting to take on their pain. One can, of course, within the context of the roles as parents, medical staff, therapists, police, firefighters, and host of other roles provide healing care to some people. For others the best one can do is to be lovingly present while not making their illness about one. Last night I heard a young man talk about the process of being with a friend who had relapsed and eventually died of his disease of addiction. When the friend relapsed he continued to provide loving support but did not try to fix him or neglect his own health care.
When one is walking alongside of someone else one is not walking in front demanding they follow one nor is one walking behind pushing them forward along the path one has chosen for them. One is simply present with them. If there is something practical they want one to do one can do that. If, at some point, one needs to call for additional help one can do that. People who work with those living the last stage of their life learn that in addition to medical care to ease the discomfort of the last steps of the journey, being quietly present, reading or singing to them provide the optimal comfort. Often it comes time for health care workers and family members, if present, to let them know it is okay to let go; that they will be fine.
Whether one lives or dies is not always the most important issue. Of course one wants to honor the sacredness of all life. Yet, no matter who or what life form one is, all, at some point, have to let go of this journey. Some of us old folks now know that this life journey at best is only two minutes long. The best we can do is to show up with unconditional love . if there is something practical we can do which the other person wants then it is important we do our best to give that gift without censure, judgement or burdening the other person with the responsibility for our happiness.
Written August 3, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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