Recreating the abusive family
Individuals often notice that a person who ends up in an abusive relationship does so multiple times. One might have noticed this with oneself or with someone they know. Sometimes one will hear someone say that the abused person seeks out the abuser or in invites the abuse.
Murray Bowen, family therapist, theorized when we are verbally and/or physically treated as if we are less than we begin to internalize (to firmly believe) we are less then. Unconsciously or consciously, it may then seem as if the only person who can change that belief if the person who implanted it in our brain – the abuser. Thus, one may keep returning to the same abuser or the same abuser in another person unconsciously hoping they will give one the affirmation or positive feedback that is needed to heal. Of course, unless the abuser has themselves healed from the wounds which has resulted in them being an abuser, they will continue to be the abuser. They cannot give to another what they cannot give themselves. The abuse affects the entire family unit. Murray Bowen and many other subsequent family therapists would say that we recreate not only the abusive relationship but the entire family dynamics.
When the abused does finally leave the abusive relationship he or she will often do for the children but not for themselves. It is not unusual for the abused to then choose another person who will abuse them. One believes, at some level, only a person similar to the original abuser can give them what they need. Of course, the abuser does not consistently abuse. As Lenore Walker and other therapists have pointed out there are cycles in the abusive relationship. In the beginning the abuser may be charming, complimentary, and seemingly only interested In one’s welfare. That behavior continues as long as there is the illusion of control and peace. When “normal life” begins the illusion of control is gone and the abuser may attempt to restore control by controlling (physically if felt necessary) the family members. Eventually this escalates into even more damaging physical and emotional abuse. The abused may then threaten to leave resulting in the abuser pleading and make promises he or she really wants to keep. They will manage to maintain for a bit. This is known as the honeymoon period. Soon, however, the attempt to maintain wears out the abuser and without new, effective tools the abuse resumes.
The abuser also, as Ms. Walker and others domestic violence experts point out, attempt to holds the abused captive by convincing them that they are not capable to taking care of themselves. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because the abuser does all he or she can to sabotage career, friendships and other supports. Ms. Walker termed the results learned helplessness.
One often sees the same dynamic played out in religious institutions, some work places and the body politic. These groups are very adept at attracting the vulnerable and promising them tangible and intangible rewards if they are devout or loyal believers or supporters. The politician, the CEO’s and the clergy person will convince the vulnerable or those who have been denied an equal stake in the resources only they care about them; only they or their god can help them or save them; only they understand their pain. CEO’s or their lackeys may pay the employee just enough to convince them they have no other viable options. We see this dynamic with Amazon as they do all they can to prevent warehouse employees from unionizing. If one goes to Amazon’s headquarters during non-pandemic times one will see employees free to walk around and work anywhere with their laptops and often accompanied by their beloved dog. The environment is pleasant and peaceful. At the warehouse which the public might not see it is a different story. The pressure to perform so that the customer can get their order in record time is enormous. Employees get short breaks most of which is used up in the time it takes to walk to and from the bathrooms. For this grueling, high pressured work they are paid a minimum of $15.00 an hour- just above the average but not enough to pay for any luxuries. At the same time the CEO amasses a fortune of billions.
Domestic violence rates are not decreasing. Preliminary studies suggest that both the the political dynamics of the past few years and the pandemic correlate with an increase in domestic violence. Perhaps it is time to explore how we as individuals and as collectives are consciously and unconsciously nourishing the climate which rewards the use of controlling power to gain self work and self esteem. We know that abusers can heal and change their behavior when they accept they have intrinsic worth; worth which is not dependent on being more powerful than, better than or superior to; where success is defined in terms of relationship with self and others based on equality and equity.
Written March 18, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Individuals often notice that a person who ends up in an abusive relationship does so multiple times. One might have noticed this with oneself or with someone they know. Sometimes one will hear someone say that the abused person seeks out the abuser or in invites the abuse.
Murray Bowen, family therapist, theorized when we are verbally and/or physically treated as if we are less than we begin to internalize (to firmly believe) we are less then. Unconsciously or consciously, it may then seem as if the only person who can change that belief if the person who implanted it in our brain – the abuser. Thus, one may keep returning to the same abuser or the same abuser in another person unconsciously hoping they will give one the affirmation or positive feedback that is needed to heal. Of course, unless the abuser has themselves healed from the wounds which has resulted in them being an abuser, they will continue to be the abuser. They cannot give to another what they cannot give themselves. The abuse affects the entire family unit. Murray Bowen and many other subsequent family therapists would say that we recreate not only the abusive relationship but the entire family dynamics.
When the abused does finally leave the abusive relationship he or she will often do for the children but not for themselves. It is not unusual for the abused to then choose another person who will abuse them. One believes, at some level, only a person similar to the original abuser can give them what they need. Of course, the abuser does not consistently abuse. As Lenore Walker and other therapists have pointed out there are cycles in the abusive relationship. In the beginning the abuser may be charming, complimentary, and seemingly only interested In one’s welfare. That behavior continues as long as there is the illusion of control and peace. When “normal life” begins the illusion of control is gone and the abuser may attempt to restore control by controlling (physically if felt necessary) the family members. Eventually this escalates into even more damaging physical and emotional abuse. The abused may then threaten to leave resulting in the abuser pleading and make promises he or she really wants to keep. They will manage to maintain for a bit. This is known as the honeymoon period. Soon, however, the attempt to maintain wears out the abuser and without new, effective tools the abuse resumes.
The abuser also, as Ms. Walker and others domestic violence experts point out, attempt to holds the abused captive by convincing them that they are not capable to taking care of themselves. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because the abuser does all he or she can to sabotage career, friendships and other supports. Ms. Walker termed the results learned helplessness.
One often sees the same dynamic played out in religious institutions, some work places and the body politic. These groups are very adept at attracting the vulnerable and promising them tangible and intangible rewards if they are devout or loyal believers or supporters. The politician, the CEO’s and the clergy person will convince the vulnerable or those who have been denied an equal stake in the resources only they care about them; only they or their god can help them or save them; only they understand their pain. CEO’s or their lackeys may pay the employee just enough to convince them they have no other viable options. We see this dynamic with Amazon as they do all they can to prevent warehouse employees from unionizing. If one goes to Amazon’s headquarters during non-pandemic times one will see employees free to walk around and work anywhere with their laptops and often accompanied by their beloved dog. The environment is pleasant and peaceful. At the warehouse which the public might not see it is a different story. The pressure to perform so that the customer can get their order in record time is enormous. Employees get short breaks most of which is used up in the time it takes to walk to and from the bathrooms. For this grueling, high pressured work they are paid a minimum of $15.00 an hour- just above the average but not enough to pay for any luxuries. At the same time the CEO amasses a fortune of billions.
Domestic violence rates are not decreasing. Preliminary studies suggest that both the the political dynamics of the past few years and the pandemic correlate with an increase in domestic violence. Perhaps it is time to explore how we as individuals and as collectives are consciously and unconsciously nourishing the climate which rewards the use of controlling power to gain self work and self esteem. We know that abusers can heal and change their behavior when they accept they have intrinsic worth; worth which is not dependent on being more powerful than, better than or superior to; where success is defined in terms of relationship with self and others based on equality and equity.
Written March 18, 2021
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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