Refraining
Pema Chödrön in her book When Things Fall Apart talks about the very simple concept of refraining. She says:
“Underneath our ordinary lives, underneath all the talking we do, all the moving we do, all the thoughts in our mind, there’s a fundamental groundlessness. It’s there bubbling along all the time. We experience it as restlessness and edginess. We experience it as fear. It motivates passion, aggression, ignorance, jealously, and pride, but we never get down to the essence of it.
Refraining is the method for getting to know the nature of this restlessness and fear. It’s a method for settling into groundlessness. If we immediately entertain ourselves by talking, by acting, by thinking-if there’s never any pause -we will never be able to relax. We will always be speeding through our lives. We will always be stuck with what my grandfather called the jitters. Refraining is a way of making friends with ourselves at the most profound level possible. We can begin to relate with what’s underneath the bubbles and burps and farts, all the stuff that comes and expresses itself as uptight, controlling, manipulative behavior or whatever it is. Underneath all that, there’s something very soft, very tender, that we experience as fear or edginess.” (pp 32-33 in paperback edition)
Suggesting to myself and others that one just stop and breathe while noticing the chatter or activity without comments sounds very simple and yet, it can feel like the most difficult action one can imagine.
All of us who work on spiritual growth know that it can feel very unsettling and even fearful when we practice just being present to our feelings, We know that we can get temporary relief by engaging in some activity which allows one to avoid facing the discomfort of being with our feelings. We may have engaged in such avoidance behavior for so long that our muscle memory automatically picks up the phone, googles a porn site, takes that drink, calls one’s drug connection, eats that chocolate, or calls that unhealthy person to make a date. Perhaps we do something productive such as cleaning our home or cleaning out the closet. Obviously, cleaning or cleaning out the closet are worthwhile activities but if we are doing them to avoid facing our fear or other uncomfortable feelings when we finish we still have the same uncomfortable feelings to face. On the other hand, it may be that cleaning is a meditative activity which allows one to settle into the fear or other uncomfortable feelings.
As is true for most individuals there are mornings when I arise feeling very comfortable being me. On those morning I engage in my normal routine of bathroom ablution, brewing coffee, doing emails and text messages for an hour or so before doing an hour or more of physical exercise. Other mornings I drag myself out of bed not feeling at home in my body or my home. If I refrain from feeding those feelings, I can then still set about doing my normal routine. Normally, at some point I will slip into feeling at home in my body no matter what the underlying feelings.
We can only begin to experience the comfort of being grounded or at home with ourselves and in the world when we refrain from running or avoiding our discomfort.
I tell clients (and myself) that none of us are fragile. No matter how fragile one feels, one has all the courage, strength and heart one needs to deal with whatever life present. We may often need to remind ourselves of the wise reminder of “The Wizard of Oz”. Dorothy merely had to click heels to get home to Kansas. The lion already had courage; the scarecrow a brain, and the tin man a heart. We all have all we need to deal with life on life’s terms. Support from other is also helpful and is always available if we are open to it; sometimes from the most unexpected people.
Written June 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Pema Chödrön in her book When Things Fall Apart talks about the very simple concept of refraining. She says:
“Underneath our ordinary lives, underneath all the talking we do, all the moving we do, all the thoughts in our mind, there’s a fundamental groundlessness. It’s there bubbling along all the time. We experience it as restlessness and edginess. We experience it as fear. It motivates passion, aggression, ignorance, jealously, and pride, but we never get down to the essence of it.
Refraining is the method for getting to know the nature of this restlessness and fear. It’s a method for settling into groundlessness. If we immediately entertain ourselves by talking, by acting, by thinking-if there’s never any pause -we will never be able to relax. We will always be speeding through our lives. We will always be stuck with what my grandfather called the jitters. Refraining is a way of making friends with ourselves at the most profound level possible. We can begin to relate with what’s underneath the bubbles and burps and farts, all the stuff that comes and expresses itself as uptight, controlling, manipulative behavior or whatever it is. Underneath all that, there’s something very soft, very tender, that we experience as fear or edginess.” (pp 32-33 in paperback edition)
Suggesting to myself and others that one just stop and breathe while noticing the chatter or activity without comments sounds very simple and yet, it can feel like the most difficult action one can imagine.
All of us who work on spiritual growth know that it can feel very unsettling and even fearful when we practice just being present to our feelings, We know that we can get temporary relief by engaging in some activity which allows one to avoid facing the discomfort of being with our feelings. We may have engaged in such avoidance behavior for so long that our muscle memory automatically picks up the phone, googles a porn site, takes that drink, calls one’s drug connection, eats that chocolate, or calls that unhealthy person to make a date. Perhaps we do something productive such as cleaning our home or cleaning out the closet. Obviously, cleaning or cleaning out the closet are worthwhile activities but if we are doing them to avoid facing our fear or other uncomfortable feelings when we finish we still have the same uncomfortable feelings to face. On the other hand, it may be that cleaning is a meditative activity which allows one to settle into the fear or other uncomfortable feelings.
As is true for most individuals there are mornings when I arise feeling very comfortable being me. On those morning I engage in my normal routine of bathroom ablution, brewing coffee, doing emails and text messages for an hour or so before doing an hour or more of physical exercise. Other mornings I drag myself out of bed not feeling at home in my body or my home. If I refrain from feeding those feelings, I can then still set about doing my normal routine. Normally, at some point I will slip into feeling at home in my body no matter what the underlying feelings.
We can only begin to experience the comfort of being grounded or at home with ourselves and in the world when we refrain from running or avoiding our discomfort.
I tell clients (and myself) that none of us are fragile. No matter how fragile one feels, one has all the courage, strength and heart one needs to deal with whatever life present. We may often need to remind ourselves of the wise reminder of “The Wizard of Oz”. Dorothy merely had to click heels to get home to Kansas. The lion already had courage; the scarecrow a brain, and the tin man a heart. We all have all we need to deal with life on life’s terms. Support from other is also helpful and is always available if we are open to it; sometimes from the most unexpected people.
Written June 27, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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