Relationship lies we may tell ourselves

​Relationship lies we may tell ourselves
 
Whether one is ending an unhealthy romantic relationship/marriage, or ending a dependent relationship with work, drugs sex or something else outside of oneself, one is unlikely to be able to select a healthy romantic relationship or select a sexual partner who is going to be good for our healing process for the first year or so.   If one is paying attention there has been no shortage of warnings to stay away from new romantic or sexual relation for at least a year.  Therapists, sponsors if one is in a 12-step recovery program, clergy, siblings, parents, or even one’s adult children freely and often with great love tell us that statistically the odds are not in one’s favor for selecting a healthy relationship or even a safe sexual hookup when we are in the early stages of healing.   Yet, few will heed the advice.   One secretly packs up one’s bag of deceptions – lies  before heading to the mall, the convenient store, the 12-step meeting or any other place which an unhealthy person might be waiting for one’s charming, desirable, irresistible self.  In that bag of deceptions, we pack:

• It is only sex between two consenting adults.  What bad things can happen? 
• I am only human.
• If will be honest and let the person know I am in recovery and/or just coming out of a sad and unhealthy relationship.  If they still choose to have sex with me or to date me  I am not hurting anyone.
• There is little chance of getting a disease or for a sperm and egg  hooking up this one time.
• No one else needs to know or wants to share this boring information. 
• This person is different because they have a different profession, nationality, education, background, or look. They are nothing like my last partner.
• I am different.  Others may not be able to have a romantic or sexual relationship in early recovery or early in the healing process, but I can.
• Just because it is the best friend of my ex does not mean it is unhealthy.
• I am just going to flirt.  Flirting never hurt anyone. I can stop it before it leads to something else.
• Everyone who tells me to stay out of a romantic/sexual relationship is in one. What do they know about loneliness?
• They are just jealous.

 
 
I am sure that that list of possible deceptions is actually much longer.  We all seem to have them comfortably waiting in our dresser or desk drawer  ready to be packed up.
 
What are some of the truths we would do well to pack instead of the lies?

• We are only as sick as our secrets. If one is not sharing with one’s sponsor, therapist, clergy, wise siblings, parents or others one trusts to tell one the truth one can expect trouble.
• A healthy person is going is not going to date or hook up with someone in early recovery/healing.
• The sperm and the egg are not tuned into one channel!
• Sexually transmitted diseases do not obey the “just one time” rules.
• The person is not different then one’s soon to be ex.  They may look different, have a different profession, even be a different gender, nationality, professional or whatever but they are a clone of one’s ex.
• Relationships with best friends of one’s ex never turn out well.
• It is never, ever just flirting unless the flirting stops because of death, accident, forced distance of at least 6000 miles or some other act of the God of one’s understanding.
• Friends, family members, professionals, sponsors have likely made the same mistake in the past and know what they are talking about!  Listen!
• It is a sad but ironic truth that the best relationships are those we do not “need” but only want because of mutual respect and possibly attraction.
• We will not die of loneliness or from being sexually frustrated.
• Alcohol, other recreational drugs, or other mind-altering substance or behavior will not improve our thought process.
• Friends who are telling us to “go for it” are probably not the healthiest of friends.
• Playing the role of the “dumb blonde (apologies to all blondes) or the John Wayne who does not have any emotions is not the answer.
• Shopping for the sexiest costume or cologne just because it feels good is BS.  One is preparing for that perfect date/hookup.
• Safe non- sexual hugs and other support is always helpful and is necessary.

 
Of all the truths, the one which is the most important is to share our secret before we do something dumb or stupid.  That means we first tell ourselves and then we tell someone else who is going to lovingly  agree that we are about to do something dumb or stupid.
 
Flirting, dating, even a hookup between two healthy, sober/clean, available  non- desperate adults can be great fun and will not hurt anyone.  Of course, any behavior has to be consistent with one’s core values  - with the advice one give one’s adult children or recently widowed parent!
 
We can all lovingly  remind each other that there is a life without immediate gratification!
 
Written August 10, 2018