Responding in love - For real!
The daily challenge for me is walking the walk. I certainly know how I ideally want to treat myself, others and the universe. I totally agree with Ruby Sales when she suggests that there is no room for hate. I also agree with her when she suggests that the most important questions we can often ask is “Where does it hurt?” (Where Does It Hurt is the title of a conversation between Krista Tippett and Ruby Sales on On Being) Yet, I often fall short of my stated goals. Just yesterday I was twice challenged to walk the walk.
The first challenge occurred when I found out after the fact that a client with/for whom I had been working as part of the volunteer work I do at a treatment program had left the program and, thus would not be keeping is appointment with me. I was frustrated that I had not been invited to be part of the decision and/or had not been informed of the decisions since it affected me emotionally and it affected my schedule. The unfortunate staff member who told me this information was not responsible for the decision to release this young man or for informing me. Yet, she got the full blunt of my frustrating anger. I immediately knew that my anger was in appropriate and unkind. That staff member was busy and, thus, I could not call her back, but I did apologize to the director of the treatment program while also letting her know that I wanted our communication to be better in the future. She gave a very kind and helpful response. I felt very bad about how I responded to the staff member and will personally make amends to her. Once again I fell short of my goal of responding with love and not judgment. I am well aware that this treatment center has very limited staff. They accomplish a lot with limited resources. Since this is a 12-step based treatment program it was appropriate for me to think of the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th steps. I was just saying to a client yesterday that I am acutely aware of the need to constantly attempt to apply these steps in all my affairs as the 12th step suggests. Obviously, I do not need to continue to beat myself with a wet noodle. The goal of working the steps is to be accountable and to change my future behavior.
The second event to which I have yet to respond was even more challenging. It was/is a response to a blog published on August 18, 2017 entitled “The Right to Hate and be Hateful” which was focused on the recent violence in Charlottesville. My first thought was to point by point debate her viewpoint – her version of reality. My second thought was the challenge by Ruby Sales to ask, “Where does it hurt?” Then I asked myself how I would ask this question without seeming to be condescending or self righteous. I am still attempting to figure out how to do this. It would seem to me that the person is stating that:
Obviously, if I am hearing this person accurately she is speaking about not only her hurt, but the hurt of all those who she thinks are being vilified. Feeling as if one is being attacked, disrespected and judged has to be very hurtful. I need to find a way to respect that hurt and respond to that hurt with love. This does not mean that I have to agree with her or condescendingly pretend to agree with her. That also would not be honest or respectful.
I need to accept responsibility for the fact that although I thought I was being very clear about the following in my blog, I apparently was not. Perhaps I can be clearer about the following:
I am including her comments although I am not including her name in this blog. I welcome helpful feedback about what I/we can do to promote conversations which lead to solutions and an end to violence of all types.
Written August 19, 2017
SD: There were many groups of people the white supremacist wanted to protect the monuments and the blm and liberals wanted to destroy the monuments- both sides were at fault- then from both sides there were the calm set down protesters !! Our president said this !! Because he didn't put down just the white supremacist !! The lefts democrats the liberals the blm are angery !!! Reality he addressed all ! At the end a car killed - white supremacist - and the liberals blm destroyed a monument !! Protesting for the past few years - have destroyed destruction stealing Robbing killing the police 👮 yet that's ok !!!! We the people sick of double standards - get down to it --- who were the slave owner ???? Democrats! Sooo should all democrats be destroyed????? History is history !!! Slave is no more - slavery in that era existed everywhere not just USA - American Indians had their slaves - Africa was the biggest slave owners ! Money on their heads - brought them here !!! Slavery not isolated in blacks - red yellow white and black slaves in that era - this crying is set it in the past and become part of society quit blaming !! The blacks are afraid they need to become part of society = working schooling productivity - no longer use slavery as their crutch !!! These protester don't want to let go of their crutch !!!! Burn it
The daily challenge for me is walking the walk. I certainly know how I ideally want to treat myself, others and the universe. I totally agree with Ruby Sales when she suggests that there is no room for hate. I also agree with her when she suggests that the most important questions we can often ask is “Where does it hurt?” (Where Does It Hurt is the title of a conversation between Krista Tippett and Ruby Sales on On Being) Yet, I often fall short of my stated goals. Just yesterday I was twice challenged to walk the walk.
The first challenge occurred when I found out after the fact that a client with/for whom I had been working as part of the volunteer work I do at a treatment program had left the program and, thus would not be keeping is appointment with me. I was frustrated that I had not been invited to be part of the decision and/or had not been informed of the decisions since it affected me emotionally and it affected my schedule. The unfortunate staff member who told me this information was not responsible for the decision to release this young man or for informing me. Yet, she got the full blunt of my frustrating anger. I immediately knew that my anger was in appropriate and unkind. That staff member was busy and, thus, I could not call her back, but I did apologize to the director of the treatment program while also letting her know that I wanted our communication to be better in the future. She gave a very kind and helpful response. I felt very bad about how I responded to the staff member and will personally make amends to her. Once again I fell short of my goal of responding with love and not judgment. I am well aware that this treatment center has very limited staff. They accomplish a lot with limited resources. Since this is a 12-step based treatment program it was appropriate for me to think of the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, 8th, 9th, 10th, 11th and 12th steps. I was just saying to a client yesterday that I am acutely aware of the need to constantly attempt to apply these steps in all my affairs as the 12th step suggests. Obviously, I do not need to continue to beat myself with a wet noodle. The goal of working the steps is to be accountable and to change my future behavior.
The second event to which I have yet to respond was even more challenging. It was/is a response to a blog published on August 18, 2017 entitled “The Right to Hate and be Hateful” which was focused on the recent violence in Charlottesville. My first thought was to point by point debate her viewpoint – her version of reality. My second thought was the challenge by Ruby Sales to ask, “Where does it hurt?” Then I asked myself how I would ask this question without seeming to be condescending or self righteous. I am still attempting to figure out how to do this. It would seem to me that the person is stating that:
- The counter demonstrators have no respect for the history of the South and, thus, no respect for Southerners. They are being hateful.
- The counter demonstrators act as if they are better than/less sinful than/less guilty than those that they were demonstrating against.
- The African Americans want to be victims rather than being responsible while white people are expected to be responsible.
Obviously, if I am hearing this person accurately she is speaking about not only her hurt, but the hurt of all those who she thinks are being vilified. Feeling as if one is being attacked, disrespected and judged has to be very hurtful. I need to find a way to respect that hurt and respond to that hurt with love. This does not mean that I have to agree with her or condescendingly pretend to agree with her. That also would not be honest or respectful.
I need to accept responsibility for the fact that although I thought I was being very clear about the following in my blog, I apparently was not. Perhaps I can be clearer about the following:
- Slavery/oppression is wrong.
- We can only be responsible for what we in this country have done. Although slavery did not originate in the United States, we did buy, sell and use people as if they were objects and not people.
- We can agree to honor those who fought for what they believed while recognizing that statues of certain people may be experienced as symbolic of the acceptance of ongoing racism and, thus may be better exhibited and viewed in museums.
- All of us need to teach our children not to accept the label of victim and how to claim one’s rightful place in society. What are we, as adults doing or not doing to contribute to the significant number of our children who are dying from racism, homophobia, addiction, and other socially constructed diseases?
- Can we agree that hate and hateful statements will not help us create a more just and peaceful society?
I am including her comments although I am not including her name in this blog. I welcome helpful feedback about what I/we can do to promote conversations which lead to solutions and an end to violence of all types.
Written August 19, 2017
SD: There were many groups of people the white supremacist wanted to protect the monuments and the blm and liberals wanted to destroy the monuments- both sides were at fault- then from both sides there were the calm set down protesters !! Our president said this !! Because he didn't put down just the white supremacist !! The lefts democrats the liberals the blm are angery !!! Reality he addressed all ! At the end a car killed - white supremacist - and the liberals blm destroyed a monument !! Protesting for the past few years - have destroyed destruction stealing Robbing killing the police 👮 yet that's ok !!!! We the people sick of double standards - get down to it --- who were the slave owner ???? Democrats! Sooo should all democrats be destroyed????? History is history !!! Slave is no more - slavery in that era existed everywhere not just USA - American Indians had their slaves - Africa was the biggest slave owners ! Money on their heads - brought them here !!! Slavery not isolated in blacks - red yellow white and black slaves in that era - this crying is set it in the past and become part of society quit blaming !! The blacks are afraid they need to become part of society = working schooling productivity - no longer use slavery as their crutch !!! These protester don't want to let go of their crutch !!!! Burn it
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