Responding to shame without shaming!
This morning I was listening to a Ted Talk by Dr. Brenè Brown entitled “Listening to shame.” As she accurately notes, the person who is most likely to shame us the harshest is ourselves. The shame first comes from an external source and then we internalize it. Most often the internalized shame is because of “truths” we began internalizing as a young child. Some of these truths are:
You have to do it all (be an amazing professional/worker, a hands on, always present, always supportive parent, an attentive, healthy, sexy supportive partner, take risks but do not fail, and be an engaged member of local organizations and the community at large). (Women are more likely to get these messages.)
Be tough; do not show weakness/vulnerability; romantic; a full partner with household tasks and parenting; take risks but do not fail; a good listener; empathic without being vulnerable; sexy; and, a good provider. (Men are more likely to get these messages.)
Be a good student; be nice, be tough, be sexy without being sexual; get perfect grades, take risks but do not fail, make time for family and friends, and be amazing in music, art, sports or other activities. (children are more likely to get these message.)
Obviously, it is impossible to live up to all these truths. We are going to fail a lot. We will either make ourselves vulnerable by taking risks, not take risks which is also failing, and no matter what we do we will not be that perfect person. Many of the messages we get are conflicting or contradictory. For example, as Dr. Brown points out, if we men are sensitive and empathic as women say that want us to be, women may experience us as weak and undesirable as partners, colleagues, fathers or friends.
There are some new truths which we need to internalize or of which we need to remind ourselves. These are:
We cannot step into the same river twice (Heraclitus). We are going to move forward or backwards. We cannot be static. If we move forward we are going to make mistakes.
All people who contribute something important learn how to fail well. Even folks such as Georgia O’Keefe at the height of her international fame as an artist often painted the same flower 100 times before she achieved the “found/created/captured” the flower which was hers.
Scientists in every area of life spend most of their life finding what does not work. Some researchers spent their entire life identifying the non-answers/solutions.
The opposite of shame is not denial. The opposite of shame is:
Pride that we tried something.
The humility to admit what we tried did not work (learning from what did not work).
Not attempting the exact same experiment and making the exact same mistake over and over again. Doing that is insanity.
Once we have responded to that internal voice within us after making a mistake or coming to terms with being the human that we are and focusing on learning from what did not work, we may, at times, need to respond to that person who is intentionally or unintentionally shaming us. I do not want to engage in a tennis match of shaming messages. That is, I do not want to respond to shaming messages with throwing shaming messages back at the person. Sadly, as individuals, communities, and as nations we do that a lot. What then are the options? The options may include:
Apologizing if our behavior hurt or offended the other person. Apologizing does not mean degrading ourselves or falling on our sword. It also does not need to be done a thousand times. The person may not hear it the first time or even the second time. They may not ever hear or accept it. One has no control over that.
Making amends when possible and when doing so would not cause more harm.
Giving the person some distance and time to grieve or otherwise work through the hurt or harm that was caused or that was experienced (the experience of hurt may or may not have more to do with triggering old issues than what one just did).
Being supportive of the fact that they are hurt. One can be sorry the other person was hurt even if the hurt does not seem directly related to what one did. In this case one is not taking responsibility for the hurt but merely offering support for the feeling the other is experiencing.
Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, the person is not able to quit shaming or beating one up. Forgiveness may not be an option for them. Even if they say they forgive one, they may keep hurling shaming messages at one or the ones they have already hurled have permanently lodged in one’s mind and keeps pounding one internally. In this case one may need to keep reassuring oneself that the only power one has is to:
Keep reassuring oneself that one has a plan to prevent a similar action in the future.
Reassuring oneself that it is okay if the other person is not able to forgive and/or trust one in the future. One may need to grieve the loss of the relationship, but, at some point one has to move on.
Not shaming the person who has been shaming. We do not want to say, “How dare you keep shaming as if you were perfect and never did anything hurtful to another?” Although it may be tempting to get angry and tell them what how terrible they are for being so harsh, that would be falling into the trap of keeping the tennis game of shame going. After all, I only have control over my behavior. I want to be a loving, accepting person. I have no control over how the other person responds. I am not going to give the other person the power to compound my original mistake or hurtful behavior by doing or saying something else hurtful.
The bottom line is, of course, that shame is never, ever helpful. Admitting fault, apologizing and making amends when possible is helpful and, I think, the right thing to do. Shame isolates one and make one more likely to use anger or some other unhealthy behavior to avoid dealing with an letting go of the guilt and shame. One does not want to justify my hurtful behavior, but one also do not want to allow past behavior to keep one from taking risks and living one’s life to the fullest.
Written March 30, 2016
This morning I was listening to a Ted Talk by Dr. Brenè Brown entitled “Listening to shame.” As she accurately notes, the person who is most likely to shame us the harshest is ourselves. The shame first comes from an external source and then we internalize it. Most often the internalized shame is because of “truths” we began internalizing as a young child. Some of these truths are:
You have to do it all (be an amazing professional/worker, a hands on, always present, always supportive parent, an attentive, healthy, sexy supportive partner, take risks but do not fail, and be an engaged member of local organizations and the community at large). (Women are more likely to get these messages.)
Be tough; do not show weakness/vulnerability; romantic; a full partner with household tasks and parenting; take risks but do not fail; a good listener; empathic without being vulnerable; sexy; and, a good provider. (Men are more likely to get these messages.)
Be a good student; be nice, be tough, be sexy without being sexual; get perfect grades, take risks but do not fail, make time for family and friends, and be amazing in music, art, sports or other activities. (children are more likely to get these message.)
Obviously, it is impossible to live up to all these truths. We are going to fail a lot. We will either make ourselves vulnerable by taking risks, not take risks which is also failing, and no matter what we do we will not be that perfect person. Many of the messages we get are conflicting or contradictory. For example, as Dr. Brown points out, if we men are sensitive and empathic as women say that want us to be, women may experience us as weak and undesirable as partners, colleagues, fathers or friends.
There are some new truths which we need to internalize or of which we need to remind ourselves. These are:
We cannot step into the same river twice (Heraclitus). We are going to move forward or backwards. We cannot be static. If we move forward we are going to make mistakes.
All people who contribute something important learn how to fail well. Even folks such as Georgia O’Keefe at the height of her international fame as an artist often painted the same flower 100 times before she achieved the “found/created/captured” the flower which was hers.
Scientists in every area of life spend most of their life finding what does not work. Some researchers spent their entire life identifying the non-answers/solutions.
The opposite of shame is not denial. The opposite of shame is:
Pride that we tried something.
The humility to admit what we tried did not work (learning from what did not work).
Not attempting the exact same experiment and making the exact same mistake over and over again. Doing that is insanity.
Once we have responded to that internal voice within us after making a mistake or coming to terms with being the human that we are and focusing on learning from what did not work, we may, at times, need to respond to that person who is intentionally or unintentionally shaming us. I do not want to engage in a tennis match of shaming messages. That is, I do not want to respond to shaming messages with throwing shaming messages back at the person. Sadly, as individuals, communities, and as nations we do that a lot. What then are the options? The options may include:
Apologizing if our behavior hurt or offended the other person. Apologizing does not mean degrading ourselves or falling on our sword. It also does not need to be done a thousand times. The person may not hear it the first time or even the second time. They may not ever hear or accept it. One has no control over that.
Making amends when possible and when doing so would not cause more harm.
Giving the person some distance and time to grieve or otherwise work through the hurt or harm that was caused or that was experienced (the experience of hurt may or may not have more to do with triggering old issues than what one just did).
Being supportive of the fact that they are hurt. One can be sorry the other person was hurt even if the hurt does not seem directly related to what one did. In this case one is not taking responsibility for the hurt but merely offering support for the feeling the other is experiencing.
Sometimes, for a variety of reasons, the person is not able to quit shaming or beating one up. Forgiveness may not be an option for them. Even if they say they forgive one, they may keep hurling shaming messages at one or the ones they have already hurled have permanently lodged in one’s mind and keeps pounding one internally. In this case one may need to keep reassuring oneself that the only power one has is to:
Keep reassuring oneself that one has a plan to prevent a similar action in the future.
Reassuring oneself that it is okay if the other person is not able to forgive and/or trust one in the future. One may need to grieve the loss of the relationship, but, at some point one has to move on.
Not shaming the person who has been shaming. We do not want to say, “How dare you keep shaming as if you were perfect and never did anything hurtful to another?” Although it may be tempting to get angry and tell them what how terrible they are for being so harsh, that would be falling into the trap of keeping the tennis game of shame going. After all, I only have control over my behavior. I want to be a loving, accepting person. I have no control over how the other person responds. I am not going to give the other person the power to compound my original mistake or hurtful behavior by doing or saying something else hurtful.
The bottom line is, of course, that shame is never, ever helpful. Admitting fault, apologizing and making amends when possible is helpful and, I think, the right thing to do. Shame isolates one and make one more likely to use anger or some other unhealthy behavior to avoid dealing with an letting go of the guilt and shame. One does not want to justify my hurtful behavior, but one also do not want to allow past behavior to keep one from taking risks and living one’s life to the fullest.
Written March 30, 2016
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