Responding to the victim
Oh dear. Silly me. I drank coffee last night just because my friends ordered it and it sounded good. I thought that perhaps it would not keep me awake even though I already knew my body was out of sync because of the time difference between Florida where I currently live and Denver where I am visiting friends and my nephew and his family.
Sure enough. I did not sleep well, and I am extra tried today. Of course, the fact that I got up at 4:00 a.m. on Thursday so that I could do some emails prior to leaving for the airport is another factor.
Obviously I am not a victim. I made the flight reservation for an early morning flight. I made a decision to drink coffee and to eat different food for dinner than I would normally have at that time of the day. I made a decision to drink a caffeinated drink late in the evening. I am blessed to have a brain, which seems to connect A with B with C and so forth. I am acutely aware that the thinking of many other people is different. Many people I know seem to connect A to D meaning that their thinking process is not logical in the same way that mine is. Their experience is that life happens to them regardless of the choices that they make. Often those who experience the world as victims of life are angry, resentful, and bitter. For some reason, they are not able to think and believe, “Oh, I made decision A which resulted in action B which, in turn, resulted in action C and so on and so forth.” Instead their minds say, “Oh, X happened to me because of that terrible person G or whomever.” Or they might deduce, “Oh X happened. That is because I am such an idiot. I should never have been born.” The implication in this later way of thinking is that their DNA, a higher power, their mother who ate the wrong food or did not sing the right songs to them, is responsible for them being an idiot.” It still comes back to a way of thinking which allows for the fact that the best we humans can do is to make decisions based on how our mind is working today and the information we have available which one can use to make a decision.
· Life is a series of experiments, which began from the day that we are born. Very little children experiment with how various behaviors affects others or how objects affect them or the environment. Of course they do not yet have a vocabulary with words such as gravity but, in essence, they are experimenting with such concepts.
Certainly it is true that some people have significant challenges very early in life. I was just talking to a friend this morning who discovered when he was a teenager he had a sister born to a woman who had enormous struggles beginning with being severely sexually abused at a very early age. She was also raped as an adult – not by my friends’ father. Another person to whom I was talking was born in a country actively at war and very early had many dangerous challenges and responsibilities. Yet she eventually got through college, medical school, and became a licensed doctor. Another friend of mine spent a significant part of her childhood in a refugee camp. She also eventually became a doctor and has enjoyed a very blessed life. I could give many more examples of folks who began life with few emotional and financial supports and, yet, have been able to make a good life for themselves and are very grateful. I also know those that, on the surface, have every reason to be grateful and happy and, yet, are still miserable people who are waiting for something or someone to change their experience of life.
How can we explain the differences in outcomes? We could engage in the old nature vs. nurture argument. We might identify some dysfunction in their brain, which keeps them from experiencing life differently. We might identify some other factors which affect how their brain functions. Any “educated” person knows that we see, hear, and feel with our brain. Yet, there is that other mysterious part of our biological system which we sometimes call the soul or the heart or the essence or the internal divine or … Whatever we call that part of we humans it is the part which allows us to experience a positive connection with self, others, and the universe. Some use the term God, Allah, the Divine, Elohim, and I am to both describe the sensation of being connected and that which explains the connection. Some, such as Thomas Moore, talk about the “via negative” that which is unnamable that is everywhere and nowhere (see books by Thomas Moore including A Religion of One’s Own or Care of the Soul:…, A Life at Work.
Artists refer to negative space – the space that is not the object. Musicians refer to the space between the notes almost as if the notes are describing each space using timbre, loudness, and pitch. Dancers use the space created by the movement of the body to touch that part of us which is everything and nothing.
It is this negative space; this all-encompassing nothingness, which becomes the entire universe, which the sad, miserable, victim person to whom only bad things happens, is not able to experience. If not careful when engaging or being engaged by this person or when we recognize it in ourselves, we are tempted to respond to what they say with words, notes, or movement. Perhaps we need to respond to that which is not communicated – that which is missing in what they communicate - that which some would call the God factor. Most of us have known a child or even an adult who is able to do this - seemingly without effort. They just smile and send beams of loving energy to the person. This is not done in a mocking or critical way. We have all known such a person or persons. Sometimes we attribute this response to a lack of intelligence, a failure to pick up on the unpleasant energy, or even a mental illness. I do not think that is the case. Certainly there are people who are missing something because of one of the factors I have mentioned. These are those rare people who seemingly always experience “view” the negative space and thus experience the whole no matter how negative the other person. Many of us do not have this gift and we must guard against spending too much time with someone whose victim energy is likely to suck us up into that space of forms and apparent substance. Others are able to nurture that part of themselves who can be present with such love that, for a moment, the disconnected person is able to connect – to be with. For some meditation, quiet time, something which some call prayer can strengthen that part of us. For others that will not be the case.
I do not think that any of us choose to come into this life journey to be miserable for however long we are here in this form. Some may be able to seemingly choose to be that loving presence to that which is not – to that negative space which is all embracing.
Written November 13, 2015
Oh dear. Silly me. I drank coffee last night just because my friends ordered it and it sounded good. I thought that perhaps it would not keep me awake even though I already knew my body was out of sync because of the time difference between Florida where I currently live and Denver where I am visiting friends and my nephew and his family.
Sure enough. I did not sleep well, and I am extra tried today. Of course, the fact that I got up at 4:00 a.m. on Thursday so that I could do some emails prior to leaving for the airport is another factor.
Obviously I am not a victim. I made the flight reservation for an early morning flight. I made a decision to drink coffee and to eat different food for dinner than I would normally have at that time of the day. I made a decision to drink a caffeinated drink late in the evening. I am blessed to have a brain, which seems to connect A with B with C and so forth. I am acutely aware that the thinking of many other people is different. Many people I know seem to connect A to D meaning that their thinking process is not logical in the same way that mine is. Their experience is that life happens to them regardless of the choices that they make. Often those who experience the world as victims of life are angry, resentful, and bitter. For some reason, they are not able to think and believe, “Oh, I made decision A which resulted in action B which, in turn, resulted in action C and so on and so forth.” Instead their minds say, “Oh, X happened to me because of that terrible person G or whomever.” Or they might deduce, “Oh X happened. That is because I am such an idiot. I should never have been born.” The implication in this later way of thinking is that their DNA, a higher power, their mother who ate the wrong food or did not sing the right songs to them, is responsible for them being an idiot.” It still comes back to a way of thinking which allows for the fact that the best we humans can do is to make decisions based on how our mind is working today and the information we have available which one can use to make a decision.
· Life is a series of experiments, which began from the day that we are born. Very little children experiment with how various behaviors affects others or how objects affect them or the environment. Of course they do not yet have a vocabulary with words such as gravity but, in essence, they are experimenting with such concepts.
Certainly it is true that some people have significant challenges very early in life. I was just talking to a friend this morning who discovered when he was a teenager he had a sister born to a woman who had enormous struggles beginning with being severely sexually abused at a very early age. She was also raped as an adult – not by my friends’ father. Another person to whom I was talking was born in a country actively at war and very early had many dangerous challenges and responsibilities. Yet she eventually got through college, medical school, and became a licensed doctor. Another friend of mine spent a significant part of her childhood in a refugee camp. She also eventually became a doctor and has enjoyed a very blessed life. I could give many more examples of folks who began life with few emotional and financial supports and, yet, have been able to make a good life for themselves and are very grateful. I also know those that, on the surface, have every reason to be grateful and happy and, yet, are still miserable people who are waiting for something or someone to change their experience of life.
How can we explain the differences in outcomes? We could engage in the old nature vs. nurture argument. We might identify some dysfunction in their brain, which keeps them from experiencing life differently. We might identify some other factors which affect how their brain functions. Any “educated” person knows that we see, hear, and feel with our brain. Yet, there is that other mysterious part of our biological system which we sometimes call the soul or the heart or the essence or the internal divine or … Whatever we call that part of we humans it is the part which allows us to experience a positive connection with self, others, and the universe. Some use the term God, Allah, the Divine, Elohim, and I am to both describe the sensation of being connected and that which explains the connection. Some, such as Thomas Moore, talk about the “via negative” that which is unnamable that is everywhere and nowhere (see books by Thomas Moore including A Religion of One’s Own or Care of the Soul:…, A Life at Work.
Artists refer to negative space – the space that is not the object. Musicians refer to the space between the notes almost as if the notes are describing each space using timbre, loudness, and pitch. Dancers use the space created by the movement of the body to touch that part of us which is everything and nothing.
It is this negative space; this all-encompassing nothingness, which becomes the entire universe, which the sad, miserable, victim person to whom only bad things happens, is not able to experience. If not careful when engaging or being engaged by this person or when we recognize it in ourselves, we are tempted to respond to what they say with words, notes, or movement. Perhaps we need to respond to that which is not communicated – that which is missing in what they communicate - that which some would call the God factor. Most of us have known a child or even an adult who is able to do this - seemingly without effort. They just smile and send beams of loving energy to the person. This is not done in a mocking or critical way. We have all known such a person or persons. Sometimes we attribute this response to a lack of intelligence, a failure to pick up on the unpleasant energy, or even a mental illness. I do not think that is the case. Certainly there are people who are missing something because of one of the factors I have mentioned. These are those rare people who seemingly always experience “view” the negative space and thus experience the whole no matter how negative the other person. Many of us do not have this gift and we must guard against spending too much time with someone whose victim energy is likely to suck us up into that space of forms and apparent substance. Others are able to nurture that part of themselves who can be present with such love that, for a moment, the disconnected person is able to connect – to be with. For some meditation, quiet time, something which some call prayer can strengthen that part of us. For others that will not be the case.
I do not think that any of us choose to come into this life journey to be miserable for however long we are here in this form. Some may be able to seemingly choose to be that loving presence to that which is not – to that negative space which is all embracing.
Written November 13, 2015
RSS Feed