Responding to trauma
I was talking to a friend yesterday about the fact that humans experiencing a traumatic event often focus on issues, things or events which are unimportant. I was remembering the story of Anne Frank, her family, and the Dean family who are in hiding from the Nazis. If discovered, they could all die. In that situation, not much was important. They all know this and, at one level, obviously only really care for the welfare of each other, those in similar situations and the family who are hiding them. Yet, watching the play or reading the story one is aware that they are fighting over such trivial issues as the fur coat and how the food is shared.
In the Diary of Etty Hillesum when Hans gets his yellow star, Etty, Lisa and Hans buy a little coffee on the black market and have a celebration. Obviously, they all know what the star represents and, yet, they decide to celebrate.
When faced with life traumatic situations over which one has no control one has to make a choice about one’s relationship with the trauma. The primary choices seem to be:
In the Nazi concentration camps those awaiting their turn in the gas chambers often made music. Eventually the guards decided that the prisoners were easier to manage when they were making music and let them use some of the musical instruments which had been taken from them. Today there is a body of music known as the Music of the Holocaust or The Lost Music of the Holocaust. Francesco Lotoo has collected over 4000 pieces of music “written in concentration, labor and POW camps in Germany and elsewhere before and during WWII.” (NPR, All Things Considered, January 25, 2013)
If, in a traumatic situation, one finds oneself avoiding the emotions elicited by the trauma by starting arguments about inconsequential issues or attempting to numb oneself in a way which puts on in more danger, one wants to just notice what one is doing without judging or otherwise beating up on oneself. Judging oneself or beating up on oneself will just make one feel worse and prevent one from considering other options. One can then explore healthier options; ones which do not make the situation more difficult for oneself or others. One might just enjoy a cup of tea or coffee if available. One might appreciate being with others without having to talk. One might deal with one’s frustration by aggressively kneading bread dough and then turning that dough into something nurturing. One might explore playing different pieces on a musical instrument. One might need a period of screaming at God or the Gods. One might need to straighten the cupboards. There is no right or wrong ways to respond to the trauma. There may be some ways which are more helpful and/or create less new stress for oneself and those around one.
Eventually one may come to a place where one can be very intentional about focusing on some practical task or activity over which one does have control. This does not mean that one can erase the grief or other natural reactions to the trauma. It might mean that one can prevent further trauma to oneself or others.
Some of us might be more practiced in finding healthy ways to deal with trauma. Others might need to experiment with what works for them.
The bottom line is that one needs to be lovingly patient with oneself and others who are affected directly or indirectly by trauma. Together they can support each other in finding ways through the next moment and the next and the next.
Written September 14,2018
I was talking to a friend yesterday about the fact that humans experiencing a traumatic event often focus on issues, things or events which are unimportant. I was remembering the story of Anne Frank, her family, and the Dean family who are in hiding from the Nazis. If discovered, they could all die. In that situation, not much was important. They all know this and, at one level, obviously only really care for the welfare of each other, those in similar situations and the family who are hiding them. Yet, watching the play or reading the story one is aware that they are fighting over such trivial issues as the fur coat and how the food is shared.
In the Diary of Etty Hillesum when Hans gets his yellow star, Etty, Lisa and Hans buy a little coffee on the black market and have a celebration. Obviously, they all know what the star represents and, yet, they decide to celebrate.
When faced with life traumatic situations over which one has no control one has to make a choice about one’s relationship with the trauma. The primary choices seem to be:
- Metaphorically or literally pulling the covers over one’s head and pretending as if the situation is not occurring.
- Numbing ourselves with sleep, alcohol, other drugs, food, sex or something else.
- Focusing on something one can control or think one can control. This may be bossing others around, cleaning house, straightening the desk, or some other task.
- Remembering stories of happier or more enjoyable times. For example, at a wake one may share sadness, but one also shares stories of happier and more enjoyable times.
In the Nazi concentration camps those awaiting their turn in the gas chambers often made music. Eventually the guards decided that the prisoners were easier to manage when they were making music and let them use some of the musical instruments which had been taken from them. Today there is a body of music known as the Music of the Holocaust or The Lost Music of the Holocaust. Francesco Lotoo has collected over 4000 pieces of music “written in concentration, labor and POW camps in Germany and elsewhere before and during WWII.” (NPR, All Things Considered, January 25, 2013)
If, in a traumatic situation, one finds oneself avoiding the emotions elicited by the trauma by starting arguments about inconsequential issues or attempting to numb oneself in a way which puts on in more danger, one wants to just notice what one is doing without judging or otherwise beating up on oneself. Judging oneself or beating up on oneself will just make one feel worse and prevent one from considering other options. One can then explore healthier options; ones which do not make the situation more difficult for oneself or others. One might just enjoy a cup of tea or coffee if available. One might appreciate being with others without having to talk. One might deal with one’s frustration by aggressively kneading bread dough and then turning that dough into something nurturing. One might explore playing different pieces on a musical instrument. One might need a period of screaming at God or the Gods. One might need to straighten the cupboards. There is no right or wrong ways to respond to the trauma. There may be some ways which are more helpful and/or create less new stress for oneself and those around one.
Eventually one may come to a place where one can be very intentional about focusing on some practical task or activity over which one does have control. This does not mean that one can erase the grief or other natural reactions to the trauma. It might mean that one can prevent further trauma to oneself or others.
Some of us might be more practiced in finding healthy ways to deal with trauma. Others might need to experiment with what works for them.
The bottom line is that one needs to be lovingly patient with oneself and others who are affected directly or indirectly by trauma. Together they can support each other in finding ways through the next moment and the next and the next.
Written September 14,2018
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