Rumors, gossip, and helpful sharing
We have all heard the saying, “Where there is smoke, there is fire.” This saying is usually spoken or written when someone has heard a rumor that such and such happened or, more likely, person X did action B. Every time one repeats a rumor to someone new it is as if the potential truth of it is reinforced. Soon, it has moved from the realm of rumor to absolute fact. Now it is likely to be repeated in a way which leaves no doubt in the mind of anyone who has heard it.
All of us or certainly many of us have done that exercise where some statement is given to a group of people who then passes it on to the person next to them in a way which prevents the rest of the group from hearing. By the time the last person in group tells what they heard, the statement does not even closely resemble the original statement. It does not matter how educated the group of people are or whether they are normally skeptical or easily convinced of some alleged fact.
It is so easy to forget that all of us hear with our mind and not our ears just as he sees with our mind and our eyes. Whenever we experience something with one or more of our senses we are receiving sounds, sights, tactile sensations, smell, possibly taste or some combination of these which then need to be interrupted. Depending on our particular cultural, ethnic, and very individual history the stories and events we have stored to help us interrupt the world will determine what we experience as “the truth”. Sometimes, as with the actions of politicians, bosses or a spouse/partner with whom we want to terminate a relationship we look for possible stories which substantiate what we already believe or want to believe. One need to look no further than the stories which repeated about figures such as President Trump or President Putin. While it may be true that some public figures say, or do things which leave the interpretation of their behavior very open, it is also true that one very likely has no way of knowing the truth of what was said, done or intended.
Obviously, sharing information about each other is an important way that we know what to celebrate, who to pray or hold positive thoughts for and who may need other forms of help. Just this week I received a photo of a father and a new baby. The father is the godson of a friend of mine. From my standpoint and based on the information which I have previously heard my friend share about this father, what I think I am seeing – a very happy father and new baby – is probably very accurate. I feel confident that I could pass along this photo and this interpretation of the photo without fear of starting a false rumor or putting anyone in danger.
Recently, I received a message containing a rumor that so and so is doing action X. This person is a very public figure who has occupied public office and has been a partner in a very well-known business. In addition, he has a profession which often puts him in the public spotlight He is a man I have met and who is a friend or acquaintance of a number of people I know. I have stored stories about him personally, about those who practice his profession or who occupy the political positions he has occupied. All this means that it is very possible that as soon as I hear his name I have already made a number of assumptions about him. If I mistake those assumptions for truth and pass them along as such I am guilty of gossiping and potentially causing harm or distress to this person. Pretty soon others will embellish this rumor and then pass it on. Even if there was some truth to the initial message what has been passed along what I heard is far from the truth. Most important is the fact that there was no reason to pass feed this rumor. No one will be helped.
The other day I saw a man I had not seen for some time. He is younger than me and historically has been this vibrant, young looking, very fit man. When I saw him the other day he had obviously lost weight, could barely walk and looked much older than me. He did not volunteer any information about his health status. I did later have an opportunity to ask someone we both know if they know what is going on with him. They did not. Asking about his health was not spreading a rumor. Despite the impossibility of my seeing “the person” it is not likely that I am wrong in thinking something is wrong medically. It happens that this person, a physician, is unlikely to be without financial resources. I also have reason to believe that he has a large support system who live geographically closer than I who are helping him with practical needs. There is nothing else I need to do. It would not be kind to speculate with others about what might be wrong medically with him.
There have been times when I have used an example from a conversation with someone in a blog. 99% of the time the person with whom I had the conversation is fine with this. There has been at least one occasion when I did this and the person felt I violated the friendship by repeating a conversation that they thought could identify the person and be hurtful to them. Although I did not see anything which could have been viewed as unkind, the important point was I had been remiss in insuring that the source of the conversation could not be identified. The person with whom I had the conversation clearly experienced my behavior as spreading a rumor. I felt terrible about what I had done even though I did not see how what I said could be read as negative. The fact that this person experienced my behavior negatively – spreading a rumor - was the important point.
Obviously, we are a village – sometimes a very large village and sometimes a very small village. We need to keep each other appraised of how we can be helpful to each other. Unless someone has specifically asked for help with a particular task, we will make educated guesses about what might be helpful and pass those guesses along. The intent is not to spread a rumor but that does not preclude someone as experiencing it as a rumor or even as gossip.
I think that the best I and others can do is to be very thoughtful and intentional about what information about each other we pass along, our intention in doing so and the possible consequences in doing so. We can also be very intentional about whether we present information as out truth or “the truth”.
Written June 15, 2017
We have all heard the saying, “Where there is smoke, there is fire.” This saying is usually spoken or written when someone has heard a rumor that such and such happened or, more likely, person X did action B. Every time one repeats a rumor to someone new it is as if the potential truth of it is reinforced. Soon, it has moved from the realm of rumor to absolute fact. Now it is likely to be repeated in a way which leaves no doubt in the mind of anyone who has heard it.
All of us or certainly many of us have done that exercise where some statement is given to a group of people who then passes it on to the person next to them in a way which prevents the rest of the group from hearing. By the time the last person in group tells what they heard, the statement does not even closely resemble the original statement. It does not matter how educated the group of people are or whether they are normally skeptical or easily convinced of some alleged fact.
It is so easy to forget that all of us hear with our mind and not our ears just as he sees with our mind and our eyes. Whenever we experience something with one or more of our senses we are receiving sounds, sights, tactile sensations, smell, possibly taste or some combination of these which then need to be interrupted. Depending on our particular cultural, ethnic, and very individual history the stories and events we have stored to help us interrupt the world will determine what we experience as “the truth”. Sometimes, as with the actions of politicians, bosses or a spouse/partner with whom we want to terminate a relationship we look for possible stories which substantiate what we already believe or want to believe. One need to look no further than the stories which repeated about figures such as President Trump or President Putin. While it may be true that some public figures say, or do things which leave the interpretation of their behavior very open, it is also true that one very likely has no way of knowing the truth of what was said, done or intended.
Obviously, sharing information about each other is an important way that we know what to celebrate, who to pray or hold positive thoughts for and who may need other forms of help. Just this week I received a photo of a father and a new baby. The father is the godson of a friend of mine. From my standpoint and based on the information which I have previously heard my friend share about this father, what I think I am seeing – a very happy father and new baby – is probably very accurate. I feel confident that I could pass along this photo and this interpretation of the photo without fear of starting a false rumor or putting anyone in danger.
Recently, I received a message containing a rumor that so and so is doing action X. This person is a very public figure who has occupied public office and has been a partner in a very well-known business. In addition, he has a profession which often puts him in the public spotlight He is a man I have met and who is a friend or acquaintance of a number of people I know. I have stored stories about him personally, about those who practice his profession or who occupy the political positions he has occupied. All this means that it is very possible that as soon as I hear his name I have already made a number of assumptions about him. If I mistake those assumptions for truth and pass them along as such I am guilty of gossiping and potentially causing harm or distress to this person. Pretty soon others will embellish this rumor and then pass it on. Even if there was some truth to the initial message what has been passed along what I heard is far from the truth. Most important is the fact that there was no reason to pass feed this rumor. No one will be helped.
The other day I saw a man I had not seen for some time. He is younger than me and historically has been this vibrant, young looking, very fit man. When I saw him the other day he had obviously lost weight, could barely walk and looked much older than me. He did not volunteer any information about his health status. I did later have an opportunity to ask someone we both know if they know what is going on with him. They did not. Asking about his health was not spreading a rumor. Despite the impossibility of my seeing “the person” it is not likely that I am wrong in thinking something is wrong medically. It happens that this person, a physician, is unlikely to be without financial resources. I also have reason to believe that he has a large support system who live geographically closer than I who are helping him with practical needs. There is nothing else I need to do. It would not be kind to speculate with others about what might be wrong medically with him.
There have been times when I have used an example from a conversation with someone in a blog. 99% of the time the person with whom I had the conversation is fine with this. There has been at least one occasion when I did this and the person felt I violated the friendship by repeating a conversation that they thought could identify the person and be hurtful to them. Although I did not see anything which could have been viewed as unkind, the important point was I had been remiss in insuring that the source of the conversation could not be identified. The person with whom I had the conversation clearly experienced my behavior as spreading a rumor. I felt terrible about what I had done even though I did not see how what I said could be read as negative. The fact that this person experienced my behavior negatively – spreading a rumor - was the important point.
Obviously, we are a village – sometimes a very large village and sometimes a very small village. We need to keep each other appraised of how we can be helpful to each other. Unless someone has specifically asked for help with a particular task, we will make educated guesses about what might be helpful and pass those guesses along. The intent is not to spread a rumor but that does not preclude someone as experiencing it as a rumor or even as gossip.
I think that the best I and others can do is to be very thoughtful and intentional about what information about each other we pass along, our intention in doing so and the possible consequences in doing so. We can also be very intentional about whether we present information as out truth or “the truth”.
Written June 15, 2017
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