Say what you mean but do not say it mean.
Grandma Fannie always had a lesson to teach us but, in my memory, did it in a rather off hand or “by the way manner” unlike some adults in my young life and superiors in my adult life who were convinced that a stern, hour long lecture was required. One of the lessons of which she would remind me and other young people was “Say what you mean but do not say it mean.”
I was thinking of this lesson while talking to a friend who remarked that she likes a current political person because he says what he means and does not pull any punches. This is what she hears the person doing. I head this same political figure as being mean and hateful towards those who disagree with him and his actions. In other words I seldom hear a cogent argument from him supporting an action or policy. What I hear is a mean spiritual, personal attack of the person who disagrees with him.
I was and am fascinated with the fact that this friend and I can “hear” this person saying, in my mind, two different statements. I “hear” reactionary, personal attacks and she hears clear, well stated opinions.
When I hear this person I want to play this person a tape of Grandma Fannie (sadly I have none) saying “Say what you mean but do not be mean.”
Attacking the person or the moral worth of a person with whom one disagrees is, of course, a time honored tradition of many humans. If one can discredit the moral character of the person then one can discount or ignore whatever that person is saying. That sort of argument or defense would not be tolerated by participants of a high school or college debate team. It would also not be tolerated by any of the professors who were grading papers I wrote in ethics or logic classes in college. Yet, we all too often seem to tolerate such defensive, mean spirited retorts in many area of our public life or even in our private life.
Personally, I appreciate those who speak in a very clear, direct manner. Such an approach makes conversation less confusing and make problem solving more likely. On the other hand, mean spirited personal attacks do not facilitate helpful conversations or problem solving.
There are many “reasons” why any us might respond to disagreement by personally attacking the person(s). These reasons include:
I strongly suspect that Grandmas Fannie was right in suggesting that it is never moral, ethical or okay to be mean when we are responding to another person. It is never okay to personally attack another person. Even as a professional counselor I must be very cautious in diagnosing the reasons why someone might be responding in a certain manner. All manner of factors can affect how the brain processes and respond to incoming stimuli. I want to be very kind and to remember the best I can do is to make an educated guess. I also want to be careful not to criticize the other person while still helping them accept that others may not be hearing what they want to person to hear. If the person continues to justify their mean spirited personal attacks then my job is to model a response which is not mean spirited or unkind in any manner.
Written October 23, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpicektt.org
Grandma Fannie always had a lesson to teach us but, in my memory, did it in a rather off hand or “by the way manner” unlike some adults in my young life and superiors in my adult life who were convinced that a stern, hour long lecture was required. One of the lessons of which she would remind me and other young people was “Say what you mean but do not say it mean.”
I was thinking of this lesson while talking to a friend who remarked that she likes a current political person because he says what he means and does not pull any punches. This is what she hears the person doing. I head this same political figure as being mean and hateful towards those who disagree with him and his actions. In other words I seldom hear a cogent argument from him supporting an action or policy. What I hear is a mean spiritual, personal attack of the person who disagrees with him.
I was and am fascinated with the fact that this friend and I can “hear” this person saying, in my mind, two different statements. I “hear” reactionary, personal attacks and she hears clear, well stated opinions.
When I hear this person I want to play this person a tape of Grandma Fannie (sadly I have none) saying “Say what you mean but do not be mean.”
Attacking the person or the moral worth of a person with whom one disagrees is, of course, a time honored tradition of many humans. If one can discredit the moral character of the person then one can discount or ignore whatever that person is saying. That sort of argument or defense would not be tolerated by participants of a high school or college debate team. It would also not be tolerated by any of the professors who were grading papers I wrote in ethics or logic classes in college. Yet, we all too often seem to tolerate such defensive, mean spirited retorts in many area of our public life or even in our private life.
Personally, I appreciate those who speak in a very clear, direct manner. Such an approach makes conversation less confusing and make problem solving more likely. On the other hand, mean spirited personal attacks do not facilitate helpful conversations or problem solving.
There are many “reasons” why any us might respond to disagreement by personally attacking the person(s). These reasons include:
- One is unable to articulate a logical, cogent response.
- One is so insecure that one hears any disagreement as a personal attack and responds in kind.
- It is an effective way to appeal to the emotions of some individuals especially in some contexts such as a political rally.
- One is fearful of being wrong or proved wrong.
- One is convinced that the long term goal justifies any action.
- One is so delusional one honestly believes that anyone who disagrees with them is stupid, uneducated, mentally ill, unpatriotic, or evil.
I strongly suspect that Grandmas Fannie was right in suggesting that it is never moral, ethical or okay to be mean when we are responding to another person. It is never okay to personally attack another person. Even as a professional counselor I must be very cautious in diagnosing the reasons why someone might be responding in a certain manner. All manner of factors can affect how the brain processes and respond to incoming stimuli. I want to be very kind and to remember the best I can do is to make an educated guess. I also want to be careful not to criticize the other person while still helping them accept that others may not be hearing what they want to person to hear. If the person continues to justify their mean spirited personal attacks then my job is to model a response which is not mean spirited or unkind in any manner.
Written October 23, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpicektt.org
RSS Feed