Saying no

​Saying no
 
Although it is only Tuesday, twice this week I have been asked to loan money to clients.  Both requests:
 

• Were from people I genuinely care about.
• Were legitimate in the sense that we all fall short at times of planning for emergencies.
• Were directly related to the fact of early recovery when most do not have many funds to meet unexpected expenses.

 
At the same time both requests:
 

• Violated ethical guidelines of both licensing and certification boards.
• Involved money that clients may not have been able to repay.
•  Would have strained but not broken my personal budget.

 
My experience tells me:
 

• It is difficult for me to make loans without getting resentful if they are not repaid.
• Could adversely affect the counseling relationships – clients could feel guilty for not repaying or the loan could have been received as entitlements which would have not fed their healing process.
• Addiction is a chronic illness. Chances of both of these people relapsing and expecting more from me in the future is high.
• One should never give a loan one cannot afford to give as a gift.

 
It seems as if my decision to say no in both cases was consistent with what I know about addiction, what I know about my own state of spiritual health, and what the respective licensing and credentialing boards state.  Yet, it felt wrong, wrong, wrong.  I had just written about what it might mean to be a shepherd.  Previously I have written about my belief that we must be willing to give and receive unconditional love.  Additionally, I have written about my belief that all of us can and have been, in some sense, the prodigal son/daughter.
 
I think that I made the best decision I could. At the same time, I am committed to ongoing examination of my motives for such decisions. I know:
 

• I do not want to obey rules just because they are rules, but I want to respect my peers enough to try to understand the reason for guidelines or rules.
• My attachment to money and my fear of being without money is very powerful and can be in conflict with my belief that I will always get what I need if I do the next right thing.
•  I do not want to forget what it feels like to be broke and not able to take care of even basic necessities.
• I often do dumb/stupid behavior and need a hand up.
• I do not want to discount the ability of others to use difficult times to learn to avoid being victimized by addiction or other lies in the future.
• I need to share my decision-making process with others I respect and whose opinion I value.  I know that spiritual and emotional growth is a we process.

 
I am glad that saying no to a request for help is never easy for me. If and when it becomes easy I will know that I am in trouble spiritually.
 
Written May 1, 2018