Second Guessing
All of us want to make the right decisions for the right reasons. Yet, we know that there are many different factors to consider with making most decisions. The decision which is “right” or best for some reasons may not be right or best for other reasons. The results of some decisions last a very long time and affect a lot of people. For example, the decision of whom to marry or partner with in a love relationship or even for business can have long lasting effects on a number of people besides yourself and your partner. Purchasing the wrong house unless one is very wealthy can have very long positive or negative effects. We may find that the house we buy has many advantages we did not anticipate. On the other hand, we could find that there are serious structural issues or other issues which will result in us taking a loss and still not being able to live in that house. Home inspectors, although often very adept at discovering possible issues, still cannot uncover or anticipate all issues.
Many of us do not wait for results of our decisions before we start worrying. Often we begin to second guess ourselves. It is easy to fall into the habit of questioning many of one’s decisions rather than using one’s energy to enjoy the positive results of one’s decision and adjusting to those aspects which may not be exactly as one thought or hoped. We may even play the “what if” mind game with ourselves and do not give ourselves a chance to enjoy the potential fruits of the decisions which we have made. If it seems as if the decision could have negative consequences, we may mentally beat ourselves up. The other day I was talking to a young man who is struggling with addiction to alcohol. Rather than focusing on the fact that he has an opportunity to make new decisions today he is ruminating about the opportunities he has lost as a result of past decisions to keep drinking. In fact, he has a tendency to spend so much energy beating himself up that he becomes so distraught and returning to drinking seems the only options for him. Then, of course, he can beat himself up even more. It seems to be a never ending cycle.
The first verse of a song by Jonny Lang is an apt description of what happens when we spend a lot of energy second guessing ourselves.
Second Guessing
Jonny Lang
Second guessing' first impressions
There you go again
Rushing off in all directions
Since I don't know when
All day long you're building walls
You're building walls all day
Putting ceilings on your feelings
When they should fly away
Although it may be useful to review decisions we have made and decide what decisions are most likely to lead to the results we want today – the results which are most consistent with our long term spiritual goals – when we spend a lot of energy agonizing over past decisions we are not able to either make new healthy decisions or be available to what is possible today. I am sure that all of us have spent time with people who are so miserable self-flagellating themselves that they are not present. Their negative energy is so powerful that one wants to honor the wall of negative energy and just get away from them.
The goal, of course, is to regularly step back and question the overall results of one’s decisions. One might ask:
· In general, is one happy or satisfied with the results of one’s decisions?
· Are there changes one can make which are more likely to engender results which are consistent with one’s long term goals?
· Are there some situations which one just needs to live with?
· Can one find positives in the current situation?
· How can one move to acceptance of those situations or factors which one cannot change?
Again, I am reminded of the brief version of the serenity prayer by Reinhold Niebuhr:
God, give us grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
I am also reminded of the sage wisdom of “laughter is the best medicine.” Sometimes, of course, in retrospect we did make an impulsive decision or just a plain dumb one. All we can reasonably do is accept that our mind took a brief vacation and live with the results. We beg on bended knees for our mind to please show up in the future. Ironically the more we are able to relax and accept that all of us are going to make bad or even ridiculous decisions at times, the more likely we can make better decisions in the future.
I am also reminded to heed this advice when a child, a friend, a nephew, a spouse/partner makes a dumb mistake. We certainly do not want to play the “what if” game with them That is not helpful or kind. We want to reassure them that if their decision ends up not working out then one just picks up the pieces and moves on. If there is some habit associated with decision making which is not helpful, then of course remind oneself to never make a decision when that behavior is present. For example, if a person is prone to making decisions when tired, angry, drinking or otherwise impaired then that might be something worth noticing.
The goal is to make the best, most educated decisions one can and resolve to live with the consequences. We may find that laughter is inversely correlated with the ability to accept the results of the decisions we have made. If we are not frequently laughing, then we are missing an opportunity to be with friends. Friends will always laugh with us while helping to either enjoy the consequences of our decisions or to help mop up the mess and make new decisions.
Written September 5, 2016
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