Secrets
Secrets have been much in the news since it became known that the records of Ashley Madison’s website whose slogan is “Life is short – Have an affair” was hacked. The fact that this site specifically caters to married people – both men and women – may have come as a shock to some. It may have been shock to some that millions of married people use a myriad of social media sites to hook up sexually with someone other than their spouse. Although we men have worked hard to earn our reputation as sexual animals who often cannot seem to restrict our sexual life to one spouse/partner, the myth which many may have bought was that women are less likely to engage in extra-marital sexual relationship. Of course anyone who watches television, reads literature, including the works of Shakespeare, knows that many famous women have looked outside of their marriage for sex or love. In fact, most of us know that it is only in fairly recent history that marriage has been more than a social or financial arrangement rather than a love relationship. Marriage was, in many respects, a very practical social institution allowing for the promulgation of the human race, the creation and maintenance of a home base, the raising of children and often the merger of two powerful families. It may or may not have been true that the “common” man or woman did not often engage in extra-marital affairs because they were so busy with survival that they did not have the energy, time or place to entertain even the thought of an affair. This does not mean that the “common person” who was focused on survival did not have secrets. The secrets might have related to behavior, thought, or fantasy. It could also have been related to finances, fears or some other factors.
For many years, one of my “secrets” was that I knew that I was retarded and the fact that I had been admitted to respectable academic institutions did not do anything to dispel the reality of my limited intelligence! Another secret was related to the content of some of my sexual fantasies/desires. As I now know is common, I started collecting secrets when I was a small child. The earliest secret I can recall was using my mother’s racism to try to evade punishment. At age 5 or so I had smoked a cigarette made out of some weeds with a neighbor boy who was African American. When my mother found out I blamed it on the neighbor because, even at age 5, I knew that she would always take my word over that of an African American. For many years this was a secret, which caused me significant guilt. As I have previously mentioned in a blog, it was not until I confessed my secret as part of any assignment of the racial justice committee of the YWCA that I discovered that all of us had internalized prejudices and biases beginning in very young ages.
Despite the secrets and fears I managed to keep functioning and, in fact, completed college and went to work. I could “justify” my secrets by telling myself that everyone had secrets. They did not keep me from performing my duties.
One could ask, “What is the big deal about secrets?” As a psychotherapist I often worked with individuals using the 12 step programs such as AA and NA to recover and reclaim their life. One of the common sayings or truisms, which is relayed to everyone using a 12-step program for recovery is “You are only as sick as your secrets”. The recovery person will be strongly encouraged to work the steps of the program which will include being honest with oneself, sharing one’s secrets with another trusted sponsor and eventually, if it would not cause additional harm, making amends with those one has cheated or hurt in some other way.
What about keeping secrets is so dangerous or will prevent one from staying clean or sober, having a successful relationship with oneself or having a successful/healthy relationship with someone else? What is the difference between secrets and those bits of information, which we do not need to share? Obviously, for those who follow such social media sites as Facebook, Twitter or another, one cannot help but wish that many individuals would share much less. Do I really want to know every detail of the movement or thoughts of another person throughout the day? I do not. Knowing or not knowing these details of the activities and thoughts of another is not going to affect my relationship with that person. Actually, that may not be entirely true. I might begin to avoid a person who has a perceived “need” to share every detail of their life.
Do I need to know when some clergy person, politician or other well-known person has a sexual affair? I do not. If they have a partner that information might be important to the partner. If a politician is being blackmailed or voting a certain way out of fear then it is important that the individual either remove themselves from their position or take the risk of coming clean regardless of possible consequences. Coming clean publicly might be as simple as stating that the person needs to quit for personal reasons. Obviously, if the person has a partner or other to whom they are responsible, more may need to be shared.
Sadly there are many other consequences of keeping secrets. For example:
“Keeping secrets can cause illness.
Keeping traumatic secrets can result in excessive stress and guilt for the person carrying the burden of knowledge, even when that silence is thought to be the best possible option for all concerned. Physical symptoms such as anxiety, headaches, backaches, and digestive problems often can occur when disturbing secrets are internalized, rather than shared, especially over a long period of time. Persons harboring such discomfort often turn to alcohol, or other addictive substances, to mask their pain. It is important to remember that both the person keeping the secret, as well as those who live with the secret-keeper, including young children, can experience similar physical and mental health issues.” (Suzanne Handler, Med, Five Reasons Keeping Family Secrets Could be Harmful on psycentral.com)
More specifically, keeping secretes causes stress, which in turn affects every aspect of the functioning of one’s body. In an article entitled “Stress Affects Your Heart, Muscles, nervous system, Digestion and Even Sexual Drive” on medialdaily.com, Lecia Bushak states:
The nervous system is a delicate balance of several features — there’s the central nervous system, which includes the spinal cord and brain, as well as the “peripheral division” which involves the autonomic (ANS) and somatic nervous systems. The autonomic system, meanwhile, is divided into the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The SNS is responsible for creating the “fight or flight” response during stressful times, which braces the body to fight off a threat or danger. Essentially, the SNS is responsible for causing all the above changes to occur in your various bodily systems — from the release of stress hormones to an increased heart rate and digestive changes. This is why chronic stress can be such a long-term drain — the constant ups and downs of stress responses can take a toll on your body.
In other words important secrets cause stress which in turns affects all aspects of how the body functions. When we are stressed and our body is busy just trying to keep alive, we are not able to be very present in our relationships with significant others. When we feel “safe” we may be able to function pretty well. For example, I have a secret which I do not want my partner/spouse to know but which would not affect my professional life I may function well at work for a bit not so well at home.
The amount of discomfort one has as a result of an important secret makes one more vulnerable to engaging in behavior which may temporarily relieve the stress. This could be sex, gambling, alcohol or other drug use, more work or withdrawing into depression. Often then one collects yet another secret in this manner.
A partner, spouse or even a close colleague might notice that we are distant. Often they may ask, “What is going on? Is something wrong?” One may respond, “No, I am just tired or I had a difficult day.” Another lie and another secret. One feels very alone and distant. The partner, spouse or colleague will “know” that one is lying but repeated denials may make them begin to doubt their own perceptions. They might say, “Maybe it is me. I am not feeling well. I am sorry.” Still, at some level, they “know”.
Secret behavior is, thus, never free or even cheap. The other night someone said to me, “My girlfriend would never suspect me of having a relationship with another man. She will not know.” I responded, “She may not guess the issue, but she will know something is wrong. Whether or not she finds out, she will sense something. Besides you will know and you have already said that you would not tolerate the same behavior is she was doing it. Trust me, this will affect your health with yourself and with your girlfriend. Eventually it will also affect your work performance. I have noticed now you are gambling and trying to fill the void with other people, places and things.”
He continued to try to convince himself that his behavior would have no negative consequences. Perhaps I will again hear from him when it does. Perhaps not.
We may seem to “successfully” keep some secrets for a very long time. Eventually they destroy one inch by one inch.
“What about skilled sociopaths?” one might ask. Hopefully none of us are skilled sociopaths but that is a legitimate question and possibly the subject of another blog.
Secrets have been much in the news since it became known that the records of Ashley Madison’s website whose slogan is “Life is short – Have an affair” was hacked. The fact that this site specifically caters to married people – both men and women – may have come as a shock to some. It may have been shock to some that millions of married people use a myriad of social media sites to hook up sexually with someone other than their spouse. Although we men have worked hard to earn our reputation as sexual animals who often cannot seem to restrict our sexual life to one spouse/partner, the myth which many may have bought was that women are less likely to engage in extra-marital sexual relationship. Of course anyone who watches television, reads literature, including the works of Shakespeare, knows that many famous women have looked outside of their marriage for sex or love. In fact, most of us know that it is only in fairly recent history that marriage has been more than a social or financial arrangement rather than a love relationship. Marriage was, in many respects, a very practical social institution allowing for the promulgation of the human race, the creation and maintenance of a home base, the raising of children and often the merger of two powerful families. It may or may not have been true that the “common” man or woman did not often engage in extra-marital affairs because they were so busy with survival that they did not have the energy, time or place to entertain even the thought of an affair. This does not mean that the “common person” who was focused on survival did not have secrets. The secrets might have related to behavior, thought, or fantasy. It could also have been related to finances, fears or some other factors.
For many years, one of my “secrets” was that I knew that I was retarded and the fact that I had been admitted to respectable academic institutions did not do anything to dispel the reality of my limited intelligence! Another secret was related to the content of some of my sexual fantasies/desires. As I now know is common, I started collecting secrets when I was a small child. The earliest secret I can recall was using my mother’s racism to try to evade punishment. At age 5 or so I had smoked a cigarette made out of some weeds with a neighbor boy who was African American. When my mother found out I blamed it on the neighbor because, even at age 5, I knew that she would always take my word over that of an African American. For many years this was a secret, which caused me significant guilt. As I have previously mentioned in a blog, it was not until I confessed my secret as part of any assignment of the racial justice committee of the YWCA that I discovered that all of us had internalized prejudices and biases beginning in very young ages.
Despite the secrets and fears I managed to keep functioning and, in fact, completed college and went to work. I could “justify” my secrets by telling myself that everyone had secrets. They did not keep me from performing my duties.
One could ask, “What is the big deal about secrets?” As a psychotherapist I often worked with individuals using the 12 step programs such as AA and NA to recover and reclaim their life. One of the common sayings or truisms, which is relayed to everyone using a 12-step program for recovery is “You are only as sick as your secrets”. The recovery person will be strongly encouraged to work the steps of the program which will include being honest with oneself, sharing one’s secrets with another trusted sponsor and eventually, if it would not cause additional harm, making amends with those one has cheated or hurt in some other way.
What about keeping secrets is so dangerous or will prevent one from staying clean or sober, having a successful relationship with oneself or having a successful/healthy relationship with someone else? What is the difference between secrets and those bits of information, which we do not need to share? Obviously, for those who follow such social media sites as Facebook, Twitter or another, one cannot help but wish that many individuals would share much less. Do I really want to know every detail of the movement or thoughts of another person throughout the day? I do not. Knowing or not knowing these details of the activities and thoughts of another is not going to affect my relationship with that person. Actually, that may not be entirely true. I might begin to avoid a person who has a perceived “need” to share every detail of their life.
Do I need to know when some clergy person, politician or other well-known person has a sexual affair? I do not. If they have a partner that information might be important to the partner. If a politician is being blackmailed or voting a certain way out of fear then it is important that the individual either remove themselves from their position or take the risk of coming clean regardless of possible consequences. Coming clean publicly might be as simple as stating that the person needs to quit for personal reasons. Obviously, if the person has a partner or other to whom they are responsible, more may need to be shared.
Sadly there are many other consequences of keeping secrets. For example:
“Keeping secrets can cause illness.
Keeping traumatic secrets can result in excessive stress and guilt for the person carrying the burden of knowledge, even when that silence is thought to be the best possible option for all concerned. Physical symptoms such as anxiety, headaches, backaches, and digestive problems often can occur when disturbing secrets are internalized, rather than shared, especially over a long period of time. Persons harboring such discomfort often turn to alcohol, or other addictive substances, to mask their pain. It is important to remember that both the person keeping the secret, as well as those who live with the secret-keeper, including young children, can experience similar physical and mental health issues.” (Suzanne Handler, Med, Five Reasons Keeping Family Secrets Could be Harmful on psycentral.com)
More specifically, keeping secretes causes stress, which in turn affects every aspect of the functioning of one’s body. In an article entitled “Stress Affects Your Heart, Muscles, nervous system, Digestion and Even Sexual Drive” on medialdaily.com, Lecia Bushak states:
The nervous system is a delicate balance of several features — there’s the central nervous system, which includes the spinal cord and brain, as well as the “peripheral division” which involves the autonomic (ANS) and somatic nervous systems. The autonomic system, meanwhile, is divided into the sympathetic nervous system (SNS) and the parasympathetic nervous system (PNS). The SNS is responsible for creating the “fight or flight” response during stressful times, which braces the body to fight off a threat or danger. Essentially, the SNS is responsible for causing all the above changes to occur in your various bodily systems — from the release of stress hormones to an increased heart rate and digestive changes. This is why chronic stress can be such a long-term drain — the constant ups and downs of stress responses can take a toll on your body.
In other words important secrets cause stress which in turns affects all aspects of how the body functions. When we are stressed and our body is busy just trying to keep alive, we are not able to be very present in our relationships with significant others. When we feel “safe” we may be able to function pretty well. For example, I have a secret which I do not want my partner/spouse to know but which would not affect my professional life I may function well at work for a bit not so well at home.
The amount of discomfort one has as a result of an important secret makes one more vulnerable to engaging in behavior which may temporarily relieve the stress. This could be sex, gambling, alcohol or other drug use, more work or withdrawing into depression. Often then one collects yet another secret in this manner.
A partner, spouse or even a close colleague might notice that we are distant. Often they may ask, “What is going on? Is something wrong?” One may respond, “No, I am just tired or I had a difficult day.” Another lie and another secret. One feels very alone and distant. The partner, spouse or colleague will “know” that one is lying but repeated denials may make them begin to doubt their own perceptions. They might say, “Maybe it is me. I am not feeling well. I am sorry.” Still, at some level, they “know”.
Secret behavior is, thus, never free or even cheap. The other night someone said to me, “My girlfriend would never suspect me of having a relationship with another man. She will not know.” I responded, “She may not guess the issue, but she will know something is wrong. Whether or not she finds out, she will sense something. Besides you will know and you have already said that you would not tolerate the same behavior is she was doing it. Trust me, this will affect your health with yourself and with your girlfriend. Eventually it will also affect your work performance. I have noticed now you are gambling and trying to fill the void with other people, places and things.”
He continued to try to convince himself that his behavior would have no negative consequences. Perhaps I will again hear from him when it does. Perhaps not.
We may seem to “successfully” keep some secrets for a very long time. Eventually they destroy one inch by one inch.
“What about skilled sociopaths?” one might ask. Hopefully none of us are skilled sociopaths but that is a legitimate question and possibly the subject of another blog.
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