Sexual addiction/compulsion, forgiveness
As a father, I can well understand that parents find it very difficult to be forgiving of those who abuse their children. In fact, most people find it very difficult. It seems that when it comes to what some would call sin and what others would call compulsive illness, addiction - some would just call it bad behavior - there is a hierarchy that goes from bad to forgivable to unforgivable. This seems to be especially true when a person hurts someone sexually – especially a child. Many believe that when someone hurts a child sexually they have made it to the unforgivable slot. I get this. No parent likes to face the fact that they are helpless to protect their children. Thus, it is easy for parents and others to believe that if we can just get all the bad people off the street and in jail or prisons we can make it safer for our children. Yet we know that locking up everyone whose mind is not able to respect or honor the rights of others is not practicable and does not in the long term create a safer community.
In the very popular novel The Shack William Young challenged the belief that a person who abducts, abuses and kills a child is beyond forgiveness. I was fascinated by the fact that this book became such a huge success. Yet, despite the success of this book and the challenge by the author that the Christian God offers compassionate and forgiveness even to the man who does this, it seems I am daily confronted by the assertion that justice demands that one withhold forgiveness and understanding from those who sexually abuse others, but especially those who sexually abuse children. Even those who may be imprisoned for murder and other violent crimes are frequently judgmental of those who commit sexual crimes. Every state in the States has a sexual offenders list which is published and a set of rules which judge and restrict the activity of the anyone on the list. In some sates one is on it for life and in others, it is for a more limited time. This list which may have been intended to help protect others seems to give permission to abuse those who have been convicted of a sexual offense.
Just today I received a message from someone I know to be a very spiritual, compassionate person asking me to pass along a notice about a “creep” who has sexually abused a child. It is entirely possible that this person who may have sexually abused a child needs to be in a protective environment. Yet, are they a creep? Does labeling him a creep create a more loving, safer community? Does he and others who may have a seemingly uncontrollable urge to abuse children deserve our love and compassion? I think that they do. I have no idea of why some individuals have a compulsive/addictive need to have sex with young children no matter what the consequences. Neither do I have any idea why the thousands who are on a sexual offender list may have a compulsive need to act out sexually. I do know that everyone I know who has engaged in that behavior hates their behavior, even if they justify it in an attempt to try to somehow makes sense of it. After all, who can live with themselves and know that they willfully hurt others sexually and/or otherwise. I have worked for/with a lot of so called sexual offenders and I have yet to meet one who sat down one day and said, “I want to be a person with a compulsive/addictive sexual disorder.” I have met priests, ministers, laborers, professionals and other who had everything to lose and, yet, were unable to control their behavior. Some with the help of 12 step programs are able to stop their abusive behavior. In order to become involved in a 12-step program one must first admit to themselves and then to others that they have a disorder which is considered reprehensible by most of the community and about which they have been taught to be shameful. That is not an easy step. They also know if they tell a professional - counselor/psychiatrist or social worker, minister or doctor - that professional may be required by law to report them to law enforcement authorities. They will then likely face criminal proceedings.
I refuse to label a sexual offender as a creep, an evil person or as someone who the God of my understanding is unable to love. I also believe that we need to quit labeling them as criminals even though some may need to be placed in a protected environment.
At the same time, we need to do all we can to be supportive of the children, the parents of the children and all others who are abused in any way.
Punishing others for behavior which is not a choice make no sense to me. I do understand that we would all like to think that each of us has a lot of control over our actions. None of us wants to entertain the possibility that we could be one of those “creeps” or “evil” persons undeserving of love or forgiveness. We may very reluctantly accept some mental illness as beyond the control of certain people, but even that seems difficult for much of our society to accept. Even when someone is determined to be legally insane, they can, at times, following a period of treatment, be tried as a criminal in our courts.
I believe it is imperative that when viewing the sexual offender, we acknowledge that it could be us. None of us should feel superior for not having a compulsive or addictive need to act out sexually with children or anyone. I am blessed to not have that disorder or any other mental disorder today. Today it seems to me that I can make choices consistent with my values. Tomorrow I may wake up with a brain that functions much differently.
Perhaps one day we will be able to repair the brain of those with damaging compulsive or addictive disorders. Research results today tells us more about the human brain. In the meantime, common sense, as well as compassion, demands that we accept that compulsive/additive behavior needs to be treated and not punished. In those cases we cannot yet offer effective treatment, we need to offer compassionate options which may, at times, include being placed in a protective environment.
Written September 12, 2017
As a father, I can well understand that parents find it very difficult to be forgiving of those who abuse their children. In fact, most people find it very difficult. It seems that when it comes to what some would call sin and what others would call compulsive illness, addiction - some would just call it bad behavior - there is a hierarchy that goes from bad to forgivable to unforgivable. This seems to be especially true when a person hurts someone sexually – especially a child. Many believe that when someone hurts a child sexually they have made it to the unforgivable slot. I get this. No parent likes to face the fact that they are helpless to protect their children. Thus, it is easy for parents and others to believe that if we can just get all the bad people off the street and in jail or prisons we can make it safer for our children. Yet we know that locking up everyone whose mind is not able to respect or honor the rights of others is not practicable and does not in the long term create a safer community.
In the very popular novel The Shack William Young challenged the belief that a person who abducts, abuses and kills a child is beyond forgiveness. I was fascinated by the fact that this book became such a huge success. Yet, despite the success of this book and the challenge by the author that the Christian God offers compassionate and forgiveness even to the man who does this, it seems I am daily confronted by the assertion that justice demands that one withhold forgiveness and understanding from those who sexually abuse others, but especially those who sexually abuse children. Even those who may be imprisoned for murder and other violent crimes are frequently judgmental of those who commit sexual crimes. Every state in the States has a sexual offenders list which is published and a set of rules which judge and restrict the activity of the anyone on the list. In some sates one is on it for life and in others, it is for a more limited time. This list which may have been intended to help protect others seems to give permission to abuse those who have been convicted of a sexual offense.
Just today I received a message from someone I know to be a very spiritual, compassionate person asking me to pass along a notice about a “creep” who has sexually abused a child. It is entirely possible that this person who may have sexually abused a child needs to be in a protective environment. Yet, are they a creep? Does labeling him a creep create a more loving, safer community? Does he and others who may have a seemingly uncontrollable urge to abuse children deserve our love and compassion? I think that they do. I have no idea of why some individuals have a compulsive/addictive need to have sex with young children no matter what the consequences. Neither do I have any idea why the thousands who are on a sexual offender list may have a compulsive need to act out sexually. I do know that everyone I know who has engaged in that behavior hates their behavior, even if they justify it in an attempt to try to somehow makes sense of it. After all, who can live with themselves and know that they willfully hurt others sexually and/or otherwise. I have worked for/with a lot of so called sexual offenders and I have yet to meet one who sat down one day and said, “I want to be a person with a compulsive/addictive sexual disorder.” I have met priests, ministers, laborers, professionals and other who had everything to lose and, yet, were unable to control their behavior. Some with the help of 12 step programs are able to stop their abusive behavior. In order to become involved in a 12-step program one must first admit to themselves and then to others that they have a disorder which is considered reprehensible by most of the community and about which they have been taught to be shameful. That is not an easy step. They also know if they tell a professional - counselor/psychiatrist or social worker, minister or doctor - that professional may be required by law to report them to law enforcement authorities. They will then likely face criminal proceedings.
I refuse to label a sexual offender as a creep, an evil person or as someone who the God of my understanding is unable to love. I also believe that we need to quit labeling them as criminals even though some may need to be placed in a protected environment.
At the same time, we need to do all we can to be supportive of the children, the parents of the children and all others who are abused in any way.
Punishing others for behavior which is not a choice make no sense to me. I do understand that we would all like to think that each of us has a lot of control over our actions. None of us wants to entertain the possibility that we could be one of those “creeps” or “evil” persons undeserving of love or forgiveness. We may very reluctantly accept some mental illness as beyond the control of certain people, but even that seems difficult for much of our society to accept. Even when someone is determined to be legally insane, they can, at times, following a period of treatment, be tried as a criminal in our courts.
I believe it is imperative that when viewing the sexual offender, we acknowledge that it could be us. None of us should feel superior for not having a compulsive or addictive need to act out sexually with children or anyone. I am blessed to not have that disorder or any other mental disorder today. Today it seems to me that I can make choices consistent with my values. Tomorrow I may wake up with a brain that functions much differently.
Perhaps one day we will be able to repair the brain of those with damaging compulsive or addictive disorders. Research results today tells us more about the human brain. In the meantime, common sense, as well as compassion, demands that we accept that compulsive/additive behavior needs to be treated and not punished. In those cases we cannot yet offer effective treatment, we need to offer compassionate options which may, at times, include being placed in a protective environment.
Written September 12, 2017
RSS Feed