Shame to grace
A friend reminded me this morning of the book: From Shame to Grace: Stories of Recovery from Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Earlier this morning I had been talking to a parent of an adult child who lives in active addiction to alcohol. Naturally, the parent wants to convince their child that their addictive behavior causes pain and suffering to themselves and to all others who love them. Yet, the adult child is likely to hear this message as the same one they use to shame themselves.
I again advised the parent to write on what it is like, as a parent who cares deeply, to accept the fact that he or she is powerless over the behavior of their adult child. We then talked briefly about the fact that us humans have a terrible time accepting our own humanness which includes our lack of power to change others.
Yesterday I asked someone who is posting information and/or comments about how the Roman Catholic Church is dealing or not dealing with the increasing number of revelations about the history of sexual abuse by clergy and the systemic historic policy of ignoring and/or covering up the abuse if their goal was punishment or healing.
The goal of all 12 step programs is to move from avoidance of one’s illness and the consequent behavior of that illness to acceptance, accountability and the freedom to love and be loved. In other words, the goal is always the step-by-step movement from punishing shame to grace.
The etiology of the word grace is the Latin word gratus meaning pleasing or thankful. It is frequently translated as grateful. In Christian theology, the word grace refers to the unconditional and unearned love of God. The English word grace is also used to describe a walk of life – a dance – which is relaxed and elegant.
If one has even observed the stance or dance of the active addict, he or she is defensive, closed in and often frightened even if there is outward anger and bullying behavior. Their dance says “Stay away. I am not safe. I am not worthy. I cannot care about you or accept your love.” As a person embraces and works the recovery program they become less defensive, open, welcoming, taller, stronger and gentler. In other words, they move from a dance of shame to a dance of grace.
If we want to support someone in moving from this dance of shame to one of grace, we must stop shaming ourselves for not being able to fix or heal the addiction and stand with open arms to welcome the prodigal son or daughter home. In other words, we must first let go of our own shame of not being able to fix, help or heal the addict. We must model that it is okay to be human. This does not mean that we pretend as if the active addict can be trusted. No, if the addiction is still in charge, the addict does not have the luxury of treating others with respect.
Accepting that “there but for the Grace of God goes I” requires a humility which has moved beyond fear. It requires a humility that we too could have an addictive disorder – alcohol, other drugs, sex money, power or something else outside of ourselves. It requires a humility that says that the problem is our difficulty in accepting unconditional love when we know that our humanness often results in being judgmental, hurtful, failing at some important task or allowing the fear of speaking one’s truth to control one.
None of us can justify taking advantage of someone else’s vulnerability whether the vulnerable one is a child or an adult. We must hold each other accountable when we hurt another. At the same time, the challenge is to do so with humility and love; with the goal of healing. If healing is not possible then we must do what we can to protect the vulnerable ones. Yet, it is my belief that we must not shame the person who we cannot help to heal. We may need, as I have often stated, to keep someone in a protected environment until or if it is safe to allow them close to vulnerable ones.
Moving from shame to grace is a process which, for most of us, takes daily practice and a lot of loving support. Shame is not ever going to help us or anyone else adopt the dance of grace.
Written September 10, 2018
A friend reminded me this morning of the book: From Shame to Grace: Stories of Recovery from Sex Addicts Anonymous.
Earlier this morning I had been talking to a parent of an adult child who lives in active addiction to alcohol. Naturally, the parent wants to convince their child that their addictive behavior causes pain and suffering to themselves and to all others who love them. Yet, the adult child is likely to hear this message as the same one they use to shame themselves.
I again advised the parent to write on what it is like, as a parent who cares deeply, to accept the fact that he or she is powerless over the behavior of their adult child. We then talked briefly about the fact that us humans have a terrible time accepting our own humanness which includes our lack of power to change others.
Yesterday I asked someone who is posting information and/or comments about how the Roman Catholic Church is dealing or not dealing with the increasing number of revelations about the history of sexual abuse by clergy and the systemic historic policy of ignoring and/or covering up the abuse if their goal was punishment or healing.
The goal of all 12 step programs is to move from avoidance of one’s illness and the consequent behavior of that illness to acceptance, accountability and the freedom to love and be loved. In other words, the goal is always the step-by-step movement from punishing shame to grace.
The etiology of the word grace is the Latin word gratus meaning pleasing or thankful. It is frequently translated as grateful. In Christian theology, the word grace refers to the unconditional and unearned love of God. The English word grace is also used to describe a walk of life – a dance – which is relaxed and elegant.
If one has even observed the stance or dance of the active addict, he or she is defensive, closed in and often frightened even if there is outward anger and bullying behavior. Their dance says “Stay away. I am not safe. I am not worthy. I cannot care about you or accept your love.” As a person embraces and works the recovery program they become less defensive, open, welcoming, taller, stronger and gentler. In other words, they move from a dance of shame to a dance of grace.
If we want to support someone in moving from this dance of shame to one of grace, we must stop shaming ourselves for not being able to fix or heal the addiction and stand with open arms to welcome the prodigal son or daughter home. In other words, we must first let go of our own shame of not being able to fix, help or heal the addict. We must model that it is okay to be human. This does not mean that we pretend as if the active addict can be trusted. No, if the addiction is still in charge, the addict does not have the luxury of treating others with respect.
Accepting that “there but for the Grace of God goes I” requires a humility which has moved beyond fear. It requires a humility that we too could have an addictive disorder – alcohol, other drugs, sex money, power or something else outside of ourselves. It requires a humility that says that the problem is our difficulty in accepting unconditional love when we know that our humanness often results in being judgmental, hurtful, failing at some important task or allowing the fear of speaking one’s truth to control one.
None of us can justify taking advantage of someone else’s vulnerability whether the vulnerable one is a child or an adult. We must hold each other accountable when we hurt another. At the same time, the challenge is to do so with humility and love; with the goal of healing. If healing is not possible then we must do what we can to protect the vulnerable ones. Yet, it is my belief that we must not shame the person who we cannot help to heal. We may need, as I have often stated, to keep someone in a protected environment until or if it is safe to allow them close to vulnerable ones.
Moving from shame to grace is a process which, for most of us, takes daily practice and a lot of loving support. Shame is not ever going to help us or anyone else adopt the dance of grace.
Written September 10, 2018
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