Shenpa revisited
It has been a long time since I have written about shenpa. At the risk of redundant writing I want to briefly talk about the power of shenpa and the fact that we so often mistake it for a wound recently inflicted by the action of someone.
I am a devoted fan of the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. I have a number of her talks downloaded to my smart phone so that I can listen to them over and over again. Each time I do, of course, I “hear” some nuance of wisdom I have not previously heard. Pema Chodron first introduced me to the concept of shenpa.
In a talk entitled “How we get hooked and how we get unhooked’ given March 1, 2003 she says:
“The Tibetan word for this is shenpa. It is usually translated “attachment,” but a more descriptive translation might be “hooked.” When shenpa hooks us, we’re likely to get stuck. We could call shenpa“that sticky feeling.” It’s an everyday experience. Even a spot on your new sweater can take you there. At the subtlest level, we feel a tightening, a tensing, a sense of closing down. Then we feel a sense of withdrawing, not wanting to be where we are. That’s the hooked quality. That tight feeling has the power to hook us into self-denigration, blame, anger, jealousy and other emotions which lead to words and actions that end up poisoning us.”(lionsroar.com)
I was recently reminded of the power of shenpa. I was thinking of an upcoming event which made me remember an old hurt which is connected to an old message which says, “You are not worthwhile. You are an undesirable person. You are not worthy of love.” These messages then connected to other messages which insist that “You can never count on love. You can fool people for a time but they will eventually find out who you really are and then will quit loving you.” These messages in turn connect to other messages which say, “You will always be alone. You deserve to be alone.”
A part of me has been unable to completely let go of the original, negative messages. I have, at some level, become attached to these negative messages as “the truth” even though another part of me knows that they are lies. The hooked part to which Pema refers is my response to the most recent action or thought. It is as if the new thought or action connects to an internal knitting needle which instructs knit one, purl one and so forth. Take the new action or thought, connect to the old one which then connects to an even older or more powerful one until one has a blanket of negativity. This process can be very quick. Since we can store memories with words, sights, sounds, smells and tastes, many triggers of which we are not consciously aware can set off this process. I can go from being in a perfectly good mood to being practically immobilized with grief, anger, sadness or another negative emotion in an instant.
If I am unaware of what is happening the most common reaction is to get angry and blame the “messenger” (the person or thing which provided the initial trigger for connecting to the old negative messages). I may react with anger, “How dare you? Who gives you the right to judge me? Why are you being critical of me? I will never forgive you. Fine! If you feel that way then just forget our relationship. I will never contact you again.”
If, on the other hand, we are aware that an old negative message to which we are attached, has been triggered we might still have a very strong emotional reaction, but we may be able to “just notice” what is happening and silently say to ourselves, “Oh. This is interesting. I am experiencing shenpa.” Of course, I may not ‘notice’ until I have already reacted emotionally to the old messages. That is fine. At whatever point I can notice is fine. I do not want to criticize myself for not noticing sooner or for reacting emotionally.
It is important to remind myself that the other person or event is not responsible for the old message/lie. The event, thought or action might have been the trigger but the emotion is connected to the strength of the old lie to which I am attached. The attachment might be to the fear that the old lie is true. While I am not to be blamed or scolded for this attachment I can reduce the discomfort by owning the attachments. Blaming the other person, thought or event for the content of the old message is not going to help and could create a new resentment.
A good example might me that a person asked me to do X. In the midst of a stressful situation I did Y instead of X. Y accomplished the same thing as X but it was not what the person asked me to do. Doing Y instead of X hooked an old message (D) that they were not important and that I had done Y just to be mean. They then responded with M - an angry way with some new mean statements. M triggered old message in me which resulted in response Z. So: Y=D=M=Z… One gets the idea of the process and why it is important to interrupt it as quickly as possible.
In this case I was very aware of what had happened and simply responded with a loving message indicating that I loved the person and was here if I could be helpful. I did not have control over what the person did with my response. I did not say to them, “This is shenpa and as nothing to do with the current situation.” That would have been heard as criticism. I also did not reinforce the old lie in me which got triggered. This did not prevent me from feeling the emotion stored with the old message, but by not feeding it the time and depth, the feeling was short lived.
By focusing on the shenpa process I can keep my attention and effort on what I can control instead of what I cannot and do not need to control. Also, because I understand how easy it is for all of we humans to get hooked I do not have to judge the other person or event. I just practice noticing without needing to judge the other person or myself.
Most of us were not trained to appreciate and respond to shenpa in this way. It takes a lot of practice and even then we will not do it perfectly. I can, however, practice just noticing at whatever point in the process I notice.
Written May 3, 2016
It has been a long time since I have written about shenpa. At the risk of redundant writing I want to briefly talk about the power of shenpa and the fact that we so often mistake it for a wound recently inflicted by the action of someone.
I am a devoted fan of the Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron. I have a number of her talks downloaded to my smart phone so that I can listen to them over and over again. Each time I do, of course, I “hear” some nuance of wisdom I have not previously heard. Pema Chodron first introduced me to the concept of shenpa.
In a talk entitled “How we get hooked and how we get unhooked’ given March 1, 2003 she says:
“The Tibetan word for this is shenpa. It is usually translated “attachment,” but a more descriptive translation might be “hooked.” When shenpa hooks us, we’re likely to get stuck. We could call shenpa“that sticky feeling.” It’s an everyday experience. Even a spot on your new sweater can take you there. At the subtlest level, we feel a tightening, a tensing, a sense of closing down. Then we feel a sense of withdrawing, not wanting to be where we are. That’s the hooked quality. That tight feeling has the power to hook us into self-denigration, blame, anger, jealousy and other emotions which lead to words and actions that end up poisoning us.”(lionsroar.com)
I was recently reminded of the power of shenpa. I was thinking of an upcoming event which made me remember an old hurt which is connected to an old message which says, “You are not worthwhile. You are an undesirable person. You are not worthy of love.” These messages then connected to other messages which insist that “You can never count on love. You can fool people for a time but they will eventually find out who you really are and then will quit loving you.” These messages in turn connect to other messages which say, “You will always be alone. You deserve to be alone.”
A part of me has been unable to completely let go of the original, negative messages. I have, at some level, become attached to these negative messages as “the truth” even though another part of me knows that they are lies. The hooked part to which Pema refers is my response to the most recent action or thought. It is as if the new thought or action connects to an internal knitting needle which instructs knit one, purl one and so forth. Take the new action or thought, connect to the old one which then connects to an even older or more powerful one until one has a blanket of negativity. This process can be very quick. Since we can store memories with words, sights, sounds, smells and tastes, many triggers of which we are not consciously aware can set off this process. I can go from being in a perfectly good mood to being practically immobilized with grief, anger, sadness or another negative emotion in an instant.
If I am unaware of what is happening the most common reaction is to get angry and blame the “messenger” (the person or thing which provided the initial trigger for connecting to the old negative messages). I may react with anger, “How dare you? Who gives you the right to judge me? Why are you being critical of me? I will never forgive you. Fine! If you feel that way then just forget our relationship. I will never contact you again.”
If, on the other hand, we are aware that an old negative message to which we are attached, has been triggered we might still have a very strong emotional reaction, but we may be able to “just notice” what is happening and silently say to ourselves, “Oh. This is interesting. I am experiencing shenpa.” Of course, I may not ‘notice’ until I have already reacted emotionally to the old messages. That is fine. At whatever point I can notice is fine. I do not want to criticize myself for not noticing sooner or for reacting emotionally.
It is important to remind myself that the other person or event is not responsible for the old message/lie. The event, thought or action might have been the trigger but the emotion is connected to the strength of the old lie to which I am attached. The attachment might be to the fear that the old lie is true. While I am not to be blamed or scolded for this attachment I can reduce the discomfort by owning the attachments. Blaming the other person, thought or event for the content of the old message is not going to help and could create a new resentment.
A good example might me that a person asked me to do X. In the midst of a stressful situation I did Y instead of X. Y accomplished the same thing as X but it was not what the person asked me to do. Doing Y instead of X hooked an old message (D) that they were not important and that I had done Y just to be mean. They then responded with M - an angry way with some new mean statements. M triggered old message in me which resulted in response Z. So: Y=D=M=Z… One gets the idea of the process and why it is important to interrupt it as quickly as possible.
In this case I was very aware of what had happened and simply responded with a loving message indicating that I loved the person and was here if I could be helpful. I did not have control over what the person did with my response. I did not say to them, “This is shenpa and as nothing to do with the current situation.” That would have been heard as criticism. I also did not reinforce the old lie in me which got triggered. This did not prevent me from feeling the emotion stored with the old message, but by not feeding it the time and depth, the feeling was short lived.
By focusing on the shenpa process I can keep my attention and effort on what I can control instead of what I cannot and do not need to control. Also, because I understand how easy it is for all of we humans to get hooked I do not have to judge the other person or event. I just practice noticing without needing to judge the other person or myself.
Most of us were not trained to appreciate and respond to shenpa in this way. It takes a lot of practice and even then we will not do it perfectly. I can, however, practice just noticing at whatever point in the process I notice.
Written May 3, 2016
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