Sick and tired of being sick and tired
At the 12 step recovery program meetings or a treatment centers based on the 12-step program one will hear that before a person is able to successfully use the 12-step program to claim or reclaim a life free or active addiction one has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Often, in my experience a person is indeed sick and tire of being sick and tired, but when he or she begins to feel better and have the illusion of being in control they may decide that they do not need to daily practice spiritual, emotional and cognitive growth. The next step may be beginning to believe that they can use “just a little” and then stop or it may be that they begin to believe that they can use a different “drug” than their drug of choice. The process of relapse seems to be the same whether the addictive drug is alcohol, some other drug, food, sex, gambling, power, or possessions/toys.
Recently, as I was getting ready to facilitate a treatment group at a 12-step oriented residential and outpatient treatment center, I asked a person who had formerly been a resident what else we as staff could do to help prevent relapse after clients leave. He said that there was nothing else the staff could do: “People have to want recovery bad enough.” When I was working with/for this client it certainly seemed to me that he really, really wanted a life free from active addiction bad enough, but after he had been out of the treatment program for a time he relapsed. He is now back in recovery using the 12-step recovery program and other resources. He is doing really well.
Part of me can readily accept what he is saying. For too many years I tried various aids to help me quit smoking. All of them worked until I found a new reason/excuse to give into the urge to smoke cigarettes. Finally, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and make a clear decision to not pick up a cigarette no matter what. I had to make this decision often. Even many years later I sometimes have an urge to smoke. If I am honest, for many years I wanted to be a non-smoker who did could occasionally smoke. I had a friend who could smoke a cigarette once every three week or so. She had no craving to smoke but occasionally enjoyed smoking a cigarette. I can do that with alcohol and have zero desire to use other recreational drugs but not with nicotine. For me, nicotine is clearly an addiction. I can never do just one cigarette without that one cigarette triggering a powerful urge to smoke another one.
The question for all addiction treatment staff is what can we do to help those addicted to alcohol and other life-threatening drugs to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. If asked in a more positive way the question is what we, as treatment staff, can do to help individuals surrender to the power of the addiction. We can, of course, advise them to get and work with a sponsor, attend meetings, work the steps, stay away from people, places and things which could trigger a relapse but, as noted above, that is frequently not enough to facilitate complete surrender.
I can well understand that someone new in recovery cannot imagine a good or satisfying life without the use of their drug of choice. If one has told oneself for years or even a lifetime that one cannot face life on life’s terms without mind numbing drugs it is difficult to accept a new truth. Accepting this possibility on faith may go against everything the addict has experienced thus far in this life journey. Often individuals who enter a treatment program have no history of being able to trust anyone. Perhaps their only trust relationship was with a grandparent who is now deceased. Now we, as treatment professionals, are suggesting that they trust a stranger; a sponsor, counselor or other person who cannot possibly know what they are feeling or experiencing. Eventually, one might realize that a sponsor or even a counselor has a similar history, but one might still have a difficult time imagining that one can have the life one perceives the counselor or sponsor to have.
Obviously, neither I nor anyone else has the definitive answer. Treatment staff and sponsor can passionately believe in the individual, but until they take the leap of faith of accepting the possibility that they are worthwhile and can have a future with recovery no amount of caring is going to make the needed difference.
Addicts typically run from closeness because they do not want to be rejected. They may tell themselves that they do not need anyone else. This is never true no matter what the client currently believes. Residential treatment staff may be forced to ask as client who has been using on the premises to leave the program. That does not mean they have to leave the hearts and minds of the staff. When a client leaves the staff of the treatment center can maintain contact. Some treatment centers already have an alumni association. Perhaps even those who have to be asked to leave can be considered alumni and can receive regular communication (when an actual or virtual address is available) from, the members of the Alumni Association. Anything we can do to maintain a lifeline with the struggling addict may, for some, make the difference. Text messages, Facebook messenger notes, emails, or snail mail or all potential possibilities. For some phone calls may be possible.
The only real power we have is to practice unconditional love for as long as a person is living. As corny and as simple as that may sound it just might make a difference for even one person. That one person is worth it.
Written July 25, 2018
At the 12 step recovery program meetings or a treatment centers based on the 12-step program one will hear that before a person is able to successfully use the 12-step program to claim or reclaim a life free or active addiction one has to be sick and tired of being sick and tired. Often, in my experience a person is indeed sick and tire of being sick and tired, but when he or she begins to feel better and have the illusion of being in control they may decide that they do not need to daily practice spiritual, emotional and cognitive growth. The next step may be beginning to believe that they can use “just a little” and then stop or it may be that they begin to believe that they can use a different “drug” than their drug of choice. The process of relapse seems to be the same whether the addictive drug is alcohol, some other drug, food, sex, gambling, power, or possessions/toys.
Recently, as I was getting ready to facilitate a treatment group at a 12-step oriented residential and outpatient treatment center, I asked a person who had formerly been a resident what else we as staff could do to help prevent relapse after clients leave. He said that there was nothing else the staff could do: “People have to want recovery bad enough.” When I was working with/for this client it certainly seemed to me that he really, really wanted a life free from active addiction bad enough, but after he had been out of the treatment program for a time he relapsed. He is now back in recovery using the 12-step recovery program and other resources. He is doing really well.
Part of me can readily accept what he is saying. For too many years I tried various aids to help me quit smoking. All of them worked until I found a new reason/excuse to give into the urge to smoke cigarettes. Finally, I was sick and tired of being sick and tired and make a clear decision to not pick up a cigarette no matter what. I had to make this decision often. Even many years later I sometimes have an urge to smoke. If I am honest, for many years I wanted to be a non-smoker who did could occasionally smoke. I had a friend who could smoke a cigarette once every three week or so. She had no craving to smoke but occasionally enjoyed smoking a cigarette. I can do that with alcohol and have zero desire to use other recreational drugs but not with nicotine. For me, nicotine is clearly an addiction. I can never do just one cigarette without that one cigarette triggering a powerful urge to smoke another one.
The question for all addiction treatment staff is what can we do to help those addicted to alcohol and other life-threatening drugs to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. If asked in a more positive way the question is what we, as treatment staff, can do to help individuals surrender to the power of the addiction. We can, of course, advise them to get and work with a sponsor, attend meetings, work the steps, stay away from people, places and things which could trigger a relapse but, as noted above, that is frequently not enough to facilitate complete surrender.
I can well understand that someone new in recovery cannot imagine a good or satisfying life without the use of their drug of choice. If one has told oneself for years or even a lifetime that one cannot face life on life’s terms without mind numbing drugs it is difficult to accept a new truth. Accepting this possibility on faith may go against everything the addict has experienced thus far in this life journey. Often individuals who enter a treatment program have no history of being able to trust anyone. Perhaps their only trust relationship was with a grandparent who is now deceased. Now we, as treatment professionals, are suggesting that they trust a stranger; a sponsor, counselor or other person who cannot possibly know what they are feeling or experiencing. Eventually, one might realize that a sponsor or even a counselor has a similar history, but one might still have a difficult time imagining that one can have the life one perceives the counselor or sponsor to have.
Obviously, neither I nor anyone else has the definitive answer. Treatment staff and sponsor can passionately believe in the individual, but until they take the leap of faith of accepting the possibility that they are worthwhile and can have a future with recovery no amount of caring is going to make the needed difference.
Addicts typically run from closeness because they do not want to be rejected. They may tell themselves that they do not need anyone else. This is never true no matter what the client currently believes. Residential treatment staff may be forced to ask as client who has been using on the premises to leave the program. That does not mean they have to leave the hearts and minds of the staff. When a client leaves the staff of the treatment center can maintain contact. Some treatment centers already have an alumni association. Perhaps even those who have to be asked to leave can be considered alumni and can receive regular communication (when an actual or virtual address is available) from, the members of the Alumni Association. Anything we can do to maintain a lifeline with the struggling addict may, for some, make the difference. Text messages, Facebook messenger notes, emails, or snail mail or all potential possibilities. For some phone calls may be possible.
The only real power we have is to practice unconditional love for as long as a person is living. As corny and as simple as that may sound it just might make a difference for even one person. That one person is worth it.
Written July 25, 2018
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