Six year old Sam asks about ‘affairs’
The day started boringly routinely enough. Actually I was quite happy with boring. It is, however, summer and I was delighted to see my six-year-old neighbor, Sam, at the kitchen door. After getting the requisite glass of mild and muffin (freshly baked of course), Sam announced that her mother had sent her over saying “Go ask Uncle Jim” Her parents have the habit of sending her over to ask Uncle Jim when there is a question they would rather not have to answer. It is always an “interesting question” which challenges me in more ways than one.
This morning was to be no exception.
As is often now part of her morning routine Sam, who is proud of her precocious six-year old reading habits, reads the morning paper with her folks. Tuesday morning, July 21, she happens on an article in the St. Petersburg Tribune about the hacking of the web site, “Have an Affair.com”. Her question had to do with the very simple word affair. She already knew the word hack. I told you she is precocious!
Oh my! It was tempting to give a stock answer dredged up from my childhood memory of one of my mother’s favorite responses, “Ask me when you are an adult.” Or “Go ask your father.” With Sam I knew neither of these would work. I have promised that I will always try to answer her questions.
Thus started the conversations about affair(s).
Me: I wonder what the dictionary says. Shall we ask our friend Merriam Webster?
Sam: Here it is. (She had already learned how to goggle a definition. Gone are the days when my grandmother would tell me that if I could carry the huge Webster Dictionary over to her we could look it up. This technique bought her a few years of not having to answer uncomfortable questions. Also, even that big dictionary did not contain all the information which modern on line ones do.) It says:
Affairs: work or activities done for a purpose: commercial, professional, public, or personal business
: A matter that concerns or involves someone
: A secret sexual relationship between two people
Oh! It could mean something I do like homework or what you do at the office?
Me: Yes, Sam. That is very good. That is exactly what it means.
Sam: Let’s see (wrinkled brow): “a matter that concerns or involves someone.”
Me: You know when an adult says, “it is none of your business.” They could say, “It is none of your affair.”
Sam: Okay. I think I understand. My parents say that a lot.
What about the last one? “A secret sexual relationships between two people.” What is sexual?
Me: When two adults like your mom and dad love each other they have a way of getting very close and sometimes creating a baby. Then the baby grows in the mother’s stomach for nine months.
Sam: Oh I know that. That is sex? We are very close and love each other Uncle Jim. Is that sex?
Me: No Sam. You are not an adult and besides we are related. We would never create a baby together. You have seen the pictures of Rip Van Winkle. When you are old enough to have a child, reven if we were not related, I would be as old as Rip Van Winkle. I would be too old to help raise a child.
Sam: That would be gross.
Me: Yes, I agree.
Sam: So why would two people have a secret sexual relationship? Is it a secret that mom and dad get real close and make a baby?
Me. No Sam. Everyone knows that your mom and dad got very close and created you.
Sam: Then where does the secret part come in and how does getting on a web site help people get close.
Me: There are very good questions. (I am obviously stalling for time.)
Sam: If I get very close to little Tommy in my class who I really like and send him text messages is that a secret affair?
Me: Sort of but you and Tommy are not going to do anything which needs to be a secret. Are you?
Sam: I guess not. Although he did try to kiss me the other day. It was yucky! It that what you mean?
Me: Sometimes adults ignore each other and one of them decides to find someone else to get close to without telling their husband or wife. It is a secret because they have promised each other not to do that. You know how your mom and dad always have breakfast and dinner together and then sometimes they get dressed up and smell real good and go out. You come over here for a pizza party. The make sure that they do not let the other get lonely. Neither of them would have a secret affair nor go to that web site.
Sam: Can we go to the park now?
Me: Yes, let me change shoes and then we can go. (This is always Sam’s way of letting me know that she has learned all she wants to learn about this subject right now.)
Later I read more about the hacking of “Haveanaffair.com”. I must admit that even though I knew about adult dating or even hookup sites, I did not know that there were sites, which specifically cater to married people who want to have an affair. I was not shocked. I just had not thought about it. I identified over 140 sites, which cater just to married people who want to have an affair. Some of them claim to have as many as 21 million members! I even found one site, “no1reviews.com” which listed the top ten such sites. They are:
AdultXXXDate.com
AdultFriendFinder.com
Passion.com
XMatch.com
Gettingiton.com
Socialflirt.com
Sexsearch.com
SDC.com
Fling.com
Hornymatches.com
Apparently many folks share a lot of personal information and often very explicit photos. This is big business and a field ripe for hackers who want to blackmail the individual who are using these sites.
There are also many sites for married men who want to have a homosexual affair, sites for couples that want to swing and I am sure a variety of other sites. Even if the number of members is exaggerated and even if there is a lot of crossover membership, it is obvious that a lot of people are looking for something, which they are not getting in their current marriages or partnerships. There are those couples that have an open relationship and, thus, cannot be blackmailed. Even these individuals might prefer not to have their most private sexual habits and body parts shared with their current or potential boss, parents or others in their life.
I do not think that the Internet has brought new sexual behavior although it has brought new possibilities for exchanging information, meeting each other and procuring ‘sexual aids’ or toys. It is not going away. We are going to have to continue to examine what is motivating so many people to take personal and professional’s risks on these sites. We can then begin to explore how we as a culture want to deal with our intimacy needs including our sexual needs. We also need to keep in mind that it is very easy to explore such sites, which I think is another argument for children only having the Internet available in a common area of the house and for parents installing the appropriate blocks on the phones of our children. I am well aware that many of our children figure out how to unblock quicker than we learn to block! Still, it is incumbent on we parents to do all we can to know what are children are doing on the internet.
The day started boringly routinely enough. Actually I was quite happy with boring. It is, however, summer and I was delighted to see my six-year-old neighbor, Sam, at the kitchen door. After getting the requisite glass of mild and muffin (freshly baked of course), Sam announced that her mother had sent her over saying “Go ask Uncle Jim” Her parents have the habit of sending her over to ask Uncle Jim when there is a question they would rather not have to answer. It is always an “interesting question” which challenges me in more ways than one.
This morning was to be no exception.
As is often now part of her morning routine Sam, who is proud of her precocious six-year old reading habits, reads the morning paper with her folks. Tuesday morning, July 21, she happens on an article in the St. Petersburg Tribune about the hacking of the web site, “Have an Affair.com”. Her question had to do with the very simple word affair. She already knew the word hack. I told you she is precocious!
Oh my! It was tempting to give a stock answer dredged up from my childhood memory of one of my mother’s favorite responses, “Ask me when you are an adult.” Or “Go ask your father.” With Sam I knew neither of these would work. I have promised that I will always try to answer her questions.
Thus started the conversations about affair(s).
Me: I wonder what the dictionary says. Shall we ask our friend Merriam Webster?
Sam: Here it is. (She had already learned how to goggle a definition. Gone are the days when my grandmother would tell me that if I could carry the huge Webster Dictionary over to her we could look it up. This technique bought her a few years of not having to answer uncomfortable questions. Also, even that big dictionary did not contain all the information which modern on line ones do.) It says:
Affairs: work or activities done for a purpose: commercial, professional, public, or personal business
: A matter that concerns or involves someone
: A secret sexual relationship between two people
Oh! It could mean something I do like homework or what you do at the office?
Me: Yes, Sam. That is very good. That is exactly what it means.
Sam: Let’s see (wrinkled brow): “a matter that concerns or involves someone.”
Me: You know when an adult says, “it is none of your business.” They could say, “It is none of your affair.”
Sam: Okay. I think I understand. My parents say that a lot.
What about the last one? “A secret sexual relationships between two people.” What is sexual?
Me: When two adults like your mom and dad love each other they have a way of getting very close and sometimes creating a baby. Then the baby grows in the mother’s stomach for nine months.
Sam: Oh I know that. That is sex? We are very close and love each other Uncle Jim. Is that sex?
Me: No Sam. You are not an adult and besides we are related. We would never create a baby together. You have seen the pictures of Rip Van Winkle. When you are old enough to have a child, reven if we were not related, I would be as old as Rip Van Winkle. I would be too old to help raise a child.
Sam: That would be gross.
Me: Yes, I agree.
Sam: So why would two people have a secret sexual relationship? Is it a secret that mom and dad get real close and make a baby?
Me. No Sam. Everyone knows that your mom and dad got very close and created you.
Sam: Then where does the secret part come in and how does getting on a web site help people get close.
Me: There are very good questions. (I am obviously stalling for time.)
Sam: If I get very close to little Tommy in my class who I really like and send him text messages is that a secret affair?
Me: Sort of but you and Tommy are not going to do anything which needs to be a secret. Are you?
Sam: I guess not. Although he did try to kiss me the other day. It was yucky! It that what you mean?
Me: Sometimes adults ignore each other and one of them decides to find someone else to get close to without telling their husband or wife. It is a secret because they have promised each other not to do that. You know how your mom and dad always have breakfast and dinner together and then sometimes they get dressed up and smell real good and go out. You come over here for a pizza party. The make sure that they do not let the other get lonely. Neither of them would have a secret affair nor go to that web site.
Sam: Can we go to the park now?
Me: Yes, let me change shoes and then we can go. (This is always Sam’s way of letting me know that she has learned all she wants to learn about this subject right now.)
Later I read more about the hacking of “Haveanaffair.com”. I must admit that even though I knew about adult dating or even hookup sites, I did not know that there were sites, which specifically cater to married people who want to have an affair. I was not shocked. I just had not thought about it. I identified over 140 sites, which cater just to married people who want to have an affair. Some of them claim to have as many as 21 million members! I even found one site, “no1reviews.com” which listed the top ten such sites. They are:
AdultXXXDate.com
AdultFriendFinder.com
Passion.com
XMatch.com
Gettingiton.com
Socialflirt.com
Sexsearch.com
SDC.com
Fling.com
Hornymatches.com
Apparently many folks share a lot of personal information and often very explicit photos. This is big business and a field ripe for hackers who want to blackmail the individual who are using these sites.
There are also many sites for married men who want to have a homosexual affair, sites for couples that want to swing and I am sure a variety of other sites. Even if the number of members is exaggerated and even if there is a lot of crossover membership, it is obvious that a lot of people are looking for something, which they are not getting in their current marriages or partnerships. There are those couples that have an open relationship and, thus, cannot be blackmailed. Even these individuals might prefer not to have their most private sexual habits and body parts shared with their current or potential boss, parents or others in their life.
I do not think that the Internet has brought new sexual behavior although it has brought new possibilities for exchanging information, meeting each other and procuring ‘sexual aids’ or toys. It is not going away. We are going to have to continue to examine what is motivating so many people to take personal and professional’s risks on these sites. We can then begin to explore how we as a culture want to deal with our intimacy needs including our sexual needs. We also need to keep in mind that it is very easy to explore such sites, which I think is another argument for children only having the Internet available in a common area of the house and for parents installing the appropriate blocks on the phones of our children. I am well aware that many of our children figure out how to unblock quicker than we learn to block! Still, it is incumbent on we parents to do all we can to know what are children are doing on the internet.
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