I should not have been surprised when Sam came over early Wednesday morning to question me about what she had spied while looking over her dad’s shoulder. He was reading my blog which discussed moral imperatives and ethics. Leave it to a six year old to challenge me to quit complicating subjects.
Me: Good morning Sam. I am surprised to see you here on Wednesday.
Sam: (jump up on my lap and gives me a big hug) Good morning Uncle Jim. Dad and mom said that if hurried with breakfast and getting ready for school I could come over here until the school bus arrives.
Me: That is great Sam. You know I always enjoy your visits. This is the perfect way to start the day. Is there a reason you particularly wanted to visit today.
Sam: (sighs) Yes Uncle Jim
Me: Ok. What is it Sam. You sound a little frustrated. Is it with me?
Sam: Well! Yes. (crossing her arms and looking very stern as only a six-year old can do) Dad was reading what you wrote on boral or something like that and then another big word. What was it?
Me: Oh yes. Moral imperatives and ethics was the subject. I guess that can seem like a rather pretentious way of talking. Do you know what the word pretentious means Sam?
Sam: Predentious??
Me: No. Pretentious. I guess I did it again. I used another big word to talk about a big word. You must get frustrated with Uncle Jim
Sam: Yes. Sometimes.
Me: Pretensious come from the word pretention which comes from the word pretend. It is funny how one word grows into another word isn’t it Sam?
Sam: (Big Sigh) I guess.
Me: Well, we both know the word pretend. Sometimes Uncle Jim uses big words when he is pretending to sound important. Do you understand that Sam.
Sam: That is dumb! Why would you do that?
Me: Well, I guess we get used to using words which are expected in certain settings. Words and phrases like pretentious and moral imperative are used a lot in some settings. I need to remember to use words we all use.
Sam: That would help!
Me: So, to get back to the writing which your dad was reading about. I was talking about how we know what is right and and how we know what is wrong. You know we have talked about the fact that sometimes kids at school fight or argue about who is right. Sometimes even your parents might argue about who is right. Sometimes we see pictures on the television where people are fighting each other or where countries are fighting over who is right. Both sides think that they are right. Sometimes you think that we adults are really dumb.
Sam: Well. Yes! (Sam raises and lowers shoulders as she signs)
Me: Sometimes we do argue about the dumbest things. Do you think that sometimes you are wrong and someone else is right!
Sam: I hate it when mom or dad proves we wrong. They asked me over and over again to do my school project on Saturday. It was Saturday! I wanted to play! I told them it would not take long to do on Sunday night. Well. Sunday night came and we did not have several things I needed such as colored paper and egg shells (to make gravel). Mom had to go to Walmart when it was already past my bedtime! She was not happy and reminded me that we would do school projects on Saturday morning next week.
Me: That is a wonderful example. What is another example.
Sam: Well some kids said that Columbus Day should not be Columbus day because he did not discover America. The Indians were already here.
Me: That is anorhwe great example. Some cities used Monday to celebrate the Indians or Native Americans. Can you think of another example.
Sam: Well, Susie wore a yellow blouse with her school uniform and her dad had to bring in white blouse for her because that is the right color. Is that you mean about doing the right thing?
Me: Well, yes and no. Wearing a white shirt or white blouse is part of the school uniform. That is a rule but it is not a moral rule.
It may be based on a moral rule. Susie was not bad for not wearing a white blouse but the school make it a rule because they want all the kids to look the same and to not judge each other based on what they are wearing. Susie is not bad but it was silly of her to think that the teachers would not notice.
Sam: Well! Yes!
Me: Susie was not bad but she did not think about how her decision would be received. On the other hand, if Susie hit another child really hard and hurt them; if Susie started a fight than your parents, I and the school teachers would think that was wrong. When we mistreat others it is something that we know is wrong because we know that we do not want to be treated that way. You, your parents, your brothers and I have talked about the golden rule. Do you remember that?
Sam: That is what the big sign on the kitchen wall says – In this family we treat others the way we want to be treated. Is that what you mean Uncle Jim
The other day, Tommy was picking on other boys and Bobby told him to stop. When he did not stop Bobby hit him really hard and Tommy fell down. We all clapped and I even saw Mrs. Smith, the teacher smiling. Tommy is a bully.
Me: Oh dear. Good example Sam. So it seems as if it was okay for Bobby to hit Tommy to show Tommy that he could not bully without getting hit?
Sam: Yes. He did not bully any more that day. I think he was embarrassed. Oh! I just used a big word. (She smiles and covers her mouth.)
Me: Yes you did. Why do you think Tommy was bullying the other kids?
Sam: Because he wanted to seem important.
Me: Very good Sam. I think that is probably exactly why he was being a bully. He wanted to feel important. Do you think that all of us want to feel important?
Sam: You mean like when mom says that she is really proud of me or I get 100 on a test or I get to help the teacher I feel good.
Me: Right. It does feel good You also have two parents and a brother who think you are wonderful and often tell you so. Well, maybe your brother does not tell you, but your parents, your grandparents, and many others often tell yous. Do we know how Tommy gets treated at home or anything about him?
Sam: Well. Someone said his dad is in jail a lot for hitting his mom. Someone else said dad is an holic or ?
Me: Alcoholic meaning he cannot control how much he drinks and then he drinks so much he gets drunk. When we drunk our brains get really confused.
Sam: Why does he drink:
Me: Sometimes we cannot help it. We have a really strong urge to drink and cannot stop. That person needs help. Perhaps he started drinking because no one told him he was important.
Sam: That would be sad.
Me? So if Tommy does not feel important we can understand why he might bully. Bullying is not a good way to try to feel important but it sounds as if his dad does the same thing at home with his mother. If we wanted to make Tommy feel important how would be treat him.
Sam: Well, I am certainly not going to tell him that he is a good person for bullying other kids.
Me: No. That is not good, but what it we found something good about Tommy.
Sam: He is really smart in history but still gets bad grades because he does not do his homework.
Me: So you could tell Tommy how much you like that he is good in history.
Sam: I guess.
Me: You two are in the same history class, right.
Sam: Uncle Jim, you know except for music we have the same teacher all day long.
Me: Oh, that is right.
Sam: (Sigh!)
Me: What if we found a way to help Tommy with his homework so he could get better grades. Do you think that might make him feel better.
Sam: How would we do that?
Me: I am not sure. Let me talk to your parents and see what they think.
Sam: Okay!
Me: So bullying another person is not good and hitting the bully is not good. We do not want to be bullied and we do not want to be hit when we make a mistake. We could say that those are moral rules or we could use the big word and say that they are moral imperatives. On the other hand wearing a while blouse is a rule but we could accomplish the same thing by everyone wearing a yellow blouse or shirt. Wearing a white blouse does not make us a good person. On the other hand if you did not have a school uniform wearing clothes to prove you were richer or better than others – showing off – would not be kind. Could we say that it is important to be kind? Is that a moral rule?
Sam: Oh my. There is the school bus. Thanks Uncle Jim.
Me: Have a wonderful day Sam.
Obviously the discussion about moral imperatives has just started but it feels like a good start to me.
Written October 13, 2015
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