So you want to be a part of this family
Perhaps one of the most difficult challenges for many of us is responding to family member with love when their behavior does not match our expectations. Often we may accuse family members of doing something to us when, in fact, their behavior affected us but was not about us. Too often us parents directly or indirectly say to our children, “How could you do this do me when I have worked so hard to make sure that you had opportunities I did not have?” The decisions of our children may seem like their intent is to make us parents miserable. If fact, at times, that may be their intent but the “reason” for their behavior - the reason for their reacting instead of acting – has nothing to do with the parents. If any of us react, instead of act it is because we do not have the courage to follow our own path or we are fearful that we cannot succeed in the area or endeavor in which we are now engaged.
This morning I had a person called me about her brother who has relapsed with his drug addiction – addiction to drugs has again kidnapped him, One family member was angry because of the discovery that the addicted person has stolen something again. Another family member was indignant because the other was angry and not sympathetic. Another family member is indifferent or wrapped up in her own life issue. The person who called me felt as if she had to defend her brother and criticize the angry person for caring more about things than her brother. The fact is that each family member is handling their pain, fear, grief, and exhaustion the best they can. This family has lived with addiction in one form or another for a very long time.
I attended a wedding recently of a bridge and groom who had many friends and relatives from whom to choose bridesmaids, person of honor, best man and groomsmen. Obviously not everyone could be chosen. Most friends and family members were not going to be chosen. Other than eloping and skipping a formal wedding there is no fair way to choose the wedding party. Some might think one starts first with siblings who are able to attend. Some might think that one collects all the names in a hat and chooses those whose names are drawn.
Family members are constantly making choices based on a great many factors; factors which may be a hidden from other family member or even from the person making the decision.
The temptation is to personalize the decision saying to oneself or even to other family members that the decision was unfair, unkind, thoughtless, or even cruel. This is likely to cause harsh feelings and may even end in family members not speaking to one another, each telling the other that they were wrong in what they did or did not so.
The truth is:
Written July 30, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
Perhaps one of the most difficult challenges for many of us is responding to family member with love when their behavior does not match our expectations. Often we may accuse family members of doing something to us when, in fact, their behavior affected us but was not about us. Too often us parents directly or indirectly say to our children, “How could you do this do me when I have worked so hard to make sure that you had opportunities I did not have?” The decisions of our children may seem like their intent is to make us parents miserable. If fact, at times, that may be their intent but the “reason” for their behavior - the reason for their reacting instead of acting – has nothing to do with the parents. If any of us react, instead of act it is because we do not have the courage to follow our own path or we are fearful that we cannot succeed in the area or endeavor in which we are now engaged.
This morning I had a person called me about her brother who has relapsed with his drug addiction – addiction to drugs has again kidnapped him, One family member was angry because of the discovery that the addicted person has stolen something again. Another family member was indignant because the other was angry and not sympathetic. Another family member is indifferent or wrapped up in her own life issue. The person who called me felt as if she had to defend her brother and criticize the angry person for caring more about things than her brother. The fact is that each family member is handling their pain, fear, grief, and exhaustion the best they can. This family has lived with addiction in one form or another for a very long time.
I attended a wedding recently of a bridge and groom who had many friends and relatives from whom to choose bridesmaids, person of honor, best man and groomsmen. Obviously not everyone could be chosen. Most friends and family members were not going to be chosen. Other than eloping and skipping a formal wedding there is no fair way to choose the wedding party. Some might think one starts first with siblings who are able to attend. Some might think that one collects all the names in a hat and chooses those whose names are drawn.
Family members are constantly making choices based on a great many factors; factors which may be a hidden from other family member or even from the person making the decision.
The temptation is to personalize the decision saying to oneself or even to other family members that the decision was unfair, unkind, thoughtless, or even cruel. This is likely to cause harsh feelings and may even end in family members not speaking to one another, each telling the other that they were wrong in what they did or did not so.
The truth is:
- One has no control over other family members or any other person.
- Family members are going to make the best decisions they can from their perspective.
- Holding on to resentments or hurt feelings punishes those holding on to these feelings.
- Family members are very human and, thus, not perfect.
- We do not have to be “right” or wait for other family members to apologize and say that we were right and they were wrong.
- My expectations of how others should behave will often lead to disappointment.
- The only power we have is to treat others the way we want to be treated – the golden rule. If I want unconditional love I have to be willing to give it to myself and to others. I have no control over whether other family members give me unconditional love. My only job (power) is to give it.
Written July 30, 2019
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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