Spiraling out of control=
The human brain is a wonderful machine. When I use my brain to think about my brain I am acutely aware of the multi-layered history it contains. It has not only long, medium- and short-term memory it stores these memories with sound, smell, touch, color, movement and a host of other cues to call all or part of the memory to the forefront of one’s mind. For example, my brother recently had surgery. Because of the distance and Covid- 19 I was not able to be with him and was, dependent on family members who were there to keep me updated. Memories were triggered. Family equals childhood equals school equals parenting equals a host of other boxes of memories. Not surprisingly, my brain was very active as all the information and emotions stored as part of the memories flooded my body even as I stored new memories or fears.
Eventually there was an opportunity to sit down and dump the chatter of my brain on the computer screen. Titling it vomit reminded me to delete it as soon as I had finished writing. For whatever reason expressing those thoughts and emotions frees me to return to myself. I may still have fear and concern, but I am not so overwhelmed by the traumatic emotions which got triggered. I was also then able to identify the primary issues of powerlessness and hopelessness. All that chatter which got triggered was essentially my history of being powerless and hopeless. All that chatter was the history of my attempt to avoid dealing with life on life’s terms. Pena Chodron in When Things Fall Apart states, “But if we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death.” (P 43 paperback edition)
Death is, after all, the ultimate fear: death of a job, marriage, youth, being alone, ableness, and finally the death of this life journey. We might ask ourselves why we fear death. Is it because we like the illusion of having control? Is if that we fear that we will quickly be forgotten? Do we fear that there is some punishing God who will decide that our sins were worse than those of the average human? Perhaps we believe that the god of our understanding has access to a gigantic spread sheet which lists the precise number of points for all the times we hurt ourselves and others. We may fear our score on the spreadsheet is higher than others,
Whatever our fear, the only door to freedom is facing our fear; to drop the judgments(points) and practice just being present. In the present where there is no past or future. There is only this moment. Life events will come and go. Marriages may end through divorce or death. Our bodies will eventually give out. Our children will do what they believe they need to do which may mean cutting off ties with us. Jobs will come and go. The stock market will rise and fall. We may lose our house and our car in the current economic climate. We may get ill and get a big hospital bill which we cannot pay. We notice and then do what we can to take care of ourselves and our loved one. We notice that life is not fair. Justice is not equally distributed. The spiritual challenge is to show up, not without grief, mourning or disappointment, but to be fully present. Finally, we remember the lesson of Bigger Thomas in Native Son who when threatened by the police says, “You cannot do nothing but kill me and that ain’t nothing.” By saying this he was being fully present in the moment.. By admitting his powerlessness, he was removing the illusion of power from the police persons.
Today, I do not need to spiral out of control. Today I know it is safe to be fully present.
Written August 12, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
The human brain is a wonderful machine. When I use my brain to think about my brain I am acutely aware of the multi-layered history it contains. It has not only long, medium- and short-term memory it stores these memories with sound, smell, touch, color, movement and a host of other cues to call all or part of the memory to the forefront of one’s mind. For example, my brother recently had surgery. Because of the distance and Covid- 19 I was not able to be with him and was, dependent on family members who were there to keep me updated. Memories were triggered. Family equals childhood equals school equals parenting equals a host of other boxes of memories. Not surprisingly, my brain was very active as all the information and emotions stored as part of the memories flooded my body even as I stored new memories or fears.
Eventually there was an opportunity to sit down and dump the chatter of my brain on the computer screen. Titling it vomit reminded me to delete it as soon as I had finished writing. For whatever reason expressing those thoughts and emotions frees me to return to myself. I may still have fear and concern, but I am not so overwhelmed by the traumatic emotions which got triggered. I was also then able to identify the primary issues of powerlessness and hopelessness. All that chatter which got triggered was essentially my history of being powerless and hopeless. All that chatter was the history of my attempt to avoid dealing with life on life’s terms. Pena Chodron in When Things Fall Apart states, “But if we totally experience hopelessness, giving up all hope of alternatives to the present moment, we can have a joyful relationship with our lives, an honest, direct relationship, one that no longer ignores the reality of impermanence and death.” (P 43 paperback edition)
Death is, after all, the ultimate fear: death of a job, marriage, youth, being alone, ableness, and finally the death of this life journey. We might ask ourselves why we fear death. Is it because we like the illusion of having control? Is if that we fear that we will quickly be forgotten? Do we fear that there is some punishing God who will decide that our sins were worse than those of the average human? Perhaps we believe that the god of our understanding has access to a gigantic spread sheet which lists the precise number of points for all the times we hurt ourselves and others. We may fear our score on the spreadsheet is higher than others,
Whatever our fear, the only door to freedom is facing our fear; to drop the judgments(points) and practice just being present. In the present where there is no past or future. There is only this moment. Life events will come and go. Marriages may end through divorce or death. Our bodies will eventually give out. Our children will do what they believe they need to do which may mean cutting off ties with us. Jobs will come and go. The stock market will rise and fall. We may lose our house and our car in the current economic climate. We may get ill and get a big hospital bill which we cannot pay. We notice and then do what we can to take care of ourselves and our loved one. We notice that life is not fair. Justice is not equally distributed. The spiritual challenge is to show up, not without grief, mourning or disappointment, but to be fully present. Finally, we remember the lesson of Bigger Thomas in Native Son who when threatened by the police says, “You cannot do nothing but kill me and that ain’t nothing.” By saying this he was being fully present in the moment.. By admitting his powerlessness, he was removing the illusion of power from the police persons.
Today, I do not need to spiral out of control. Today I know it is safe to be fully present.
Written August 12, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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