Step one revisited. Again!
The 12-step recovery program which most of us know as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or possibly NA, SA, OA or MA, contains helpful reminders for all of us, but especially those who are addicted and those who love someone who is addicted.
The first step of the AA program is:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
This morning I again suggested to a parent that he substitute adult child or addiction of adult child in place of alcohol. This very kind and loving man who is retired from a very responsible position where the illusion of control was easier to hold on to, struggles with wanting to control his adult son’s behavior. He wants to travel over 500 miles to visit son and prevent his son from drinking. His son just got an ankle monitor off and dad thinks he sounds as if he has been drinking. I reminded the dad that, in truth, he has not had any control over his son for a very long time and, what control he did have over him, when he was still a child, was very limited and mostly illusionary.
As healthy parents, we feel an enormous sense of responsibility. There is no shortage of community messages that tells us we are responsible for the health and behavior of our children. Yet, the truth is parents have very limited power. I recall, as a parent of an infant, attempting to accept that sometimes I could do very little to ease the discomfort that my son was experiencing. As he got older I had even more painful reminders that my power as a parent was very limited. This did not stop me from wanting to have the power to “make it all better” or to make sure he behaved in a manner which I was sure was going to bring the best long-term results, but increasingly I had to practice the equivalent of the first step of the 12-step program and to repeatedly say the short version of the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
In fact, I had to accept that I have no power over world leaders, my spouse, my friends, community leaders, the weather, corporations, all my tech toys, and all else. Soon I was saying the serenity prayers many times a day. I also, however, found writing on the first step about whatever area of powerlessness I was experiencing at the moment very helpful. It seems that many of us get a lot of reinforcement for the illusion that we have a lot of more power than we actually have. Whether we are Christians, Buddhists, Jews, or adhere to no religious beliefs, we will do well to accept that the main power we have is unconditional love. I can educate a person about addiction 24 hours a day, but it is still up to them, fate or whatever, to reach that point when they are so sick and tired of being sick and tired. If someone is determined to keep using an addictive substance or engage in an addictive behavior, stay in an abusive marriage, refuse to get medical treatment, or do something else I think is unhealthy I can only say a prayer and honor the fact that it is their journey. True, there may be times when we can temporarily restrain someone and prevent them from acting in a destructive manner, but often even then they find a way to do what they decide they need to do. Us humans can be very creative whether it is for a positive reason or a negative one.
I suggested to that father this morning- this very loving, good man – that the best action he can take today is to take care of himself emotionally, physically, nutritionally and spiritually so that if, at some point, his son asks for his help he is healthy enough to give it.
Today I will take my own advice to keep saying the serenity prayer and to do a first step as many times as is necessary to remind myself that I am indeed powerless over other people, places and things.
Written August 13, 2018
The 12-step recovery program which most of us know as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) or possibly NA, SA, OA or MA, contains helpful reminders for all of us, but especially those who are addicted and those who love someone who is addicted.
The first step of the AA program is:
We admitted we were powerless over alcohol - that our lives had become unmanageable.
This morning I again suggested to a parent that he substitute adult child or addiction of adult child in place of alcohol. This very kind and loving man who is retired from a very responsible position where the illusion of control was easier to hold on to, struggles with wanting to control his adult son’s behavior. He wants to travel over 500 miles to visit son and prevent his son from drinking. His son just got an ankle monitor off and dad thinks he sounds as if he has been drinking. I reminded the dad that, in truth, he has not had any control over his son for a very long time and, what control he did have over him, when he was still a child, was very limited and mostly illusionary.
As healthy parents, we feel an enormous sense of responsibility. There is no shortage of community messages that tells us we are responsible for the health and behavior of our children. Yet, the truth is parents have very limited power. I recall, as a parent of an infant, attempting to accept that sometimes I could do very little to ease the discomfort that my son was experiencing. As he got older I had even more painful reminders that my power as a parent was very limited. This did not stop me from wanting to have the power to “make it all better” or to make sure he behaved in a manner which I was sure was going to bring the best long-term results, but increasingly I had to practice the equivalent of the first step of the 12-step program and to repeatedly say the short version of the Serenity Prayer.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
In fact, I had to accept that I have no power over world leaders, my spouse, my friends, community leaders, the weather, corporations, all my tech toys, and all else. Soon I was saying the serenity prayers many times a day. I also, however, found writing on the first step about whatever area of powerlessness I was experiencing at the moment very helpful. It seems that many of us get a lot of reinforcement for the illusion that we have a lot of more power than we actually have. Whether we are Christians, Buddhists, Jews, or adhere to no religious beliefs, we will do well to accept that the main power we have is unconditional love. I can educate a person about addiction 24 hours a day, but it is still up to them, fate or whatever, to reach that point when they are so sick and tired of being sick and tired. If someone is determined to keep using an addictive substance or engage in an addictive behavior, stay in an abusive marriage, refuse to get medical treatment, or do something else I think is unhealthy I can only say a prayer and honor the fact that it is their journey. True, there may be times when we can temporarily restrain someone and prevent them from acting in a destructive manner, but often even then they find a way to do what they decide they need to do. Us humans can be very creative whether it is for a positive reason or a negative one.
I suggested to that father this morning- this very loving, good man – that the best action he can take today is to take care of himself emotionally, physically, nutritionally and spiritually so that if, at some point, his son asks for his help he is healthy enough to give it.
Today I will take my own advice to keep saying the serenity prayer and to do a first step as many times as is necessary to remind myself that I am indeed powerless over other people, places and things.
Written August 13, 2018
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