Strength
If one looks up the definition of strength in Marriam Webster or almost any dictionary the first definition is about physical ability. It is the amount of force exerted or endured. The term can also be used to refer to character or the ability of one to act on the basis of one’s core values even if many others think that one’s actions are wrong or a symptom of weakness.
Many of us males have learned that strength is about not showing vulnerability or heart felt feelings such as sadness, grief or other indications that we care about people. Actually, it is okay if one shows signs of caring as long as one does so by performing a task. The types of tasks one may do to show love may vary depending on the mores of the neighborhood or larger community. Women also often show they care by performing a task; offering to help with child care, cooking a meal, loaning money, or listening for hours at a time. At the same time women freely share their tears, their excitement and a range of other emotions.
As a young man I was awed by the fact that women could share sadness while cooking a meal, performing child care or getting ready to put on their judge’s robes. They also have the capacity to temporarily set their emotions aside while they perform an important task. Males, on the other hand, often stuff their emotions so that they can continue with a task and/or to prove that they are not “a pussy”. In other words it seems as we males spend a lot of our energy denying or hiding many of our emotions.
A man I am seeing for therapy just told me that strength for him has been dealing with his fear by attempting to control others, particularly the females in his life. He did not think it was manly to show fear or other tender emotions. He also did not think he could show or even talk about such emotions without breaking down which was strictly verboten for a male. Of course his behavior destroyed relationships with the females in his life. The women in his life were not impressed with his show of physical strength and his inability to be vulnerable or to even lose an argument. (Assuming an argument needed to be won.)
This very same male admitted that much of his behavior was executed for fear of what other males might think of him if he was more open with this love and his emotions. It is true that much of behavior by heterosexual males is designed to earn the respect or at least not the disrespect of other males. This same behavior may impress some females but the majority of females I know are much too busy to put up with such foolishness. Most females I know want a partner who is emotionally present and in doing his best to be a partner in all areas of this shared life.
All of us like an occasional evening off. I love it when a female or a male with whom I am sharing an evening takes charge of the evening by making reservations and taking care of all the details of the evening. I also enjoy doing the same for them. It feels good to be taken care of not because I am a male but because we all get tired of being in charge. This does not mean ordering a person to do things for us. It means we do things because we love taking care of our partner and other friends and enjoy getting the same treatment in return.
It seems as if the strength which most of us treasure in others is the courage to treat ourselves and others with respect and, yes, love. Physical strength is welcomed in many situations whether it is to do household tasks, stay up taking care of a sick child or partner, or chopping wood if that is needed. Most of us admire those who take good care of their physical body not to prove something but because they think enough of themselves to take good care of themselves. It is, however, the emotional and spiritual strength we most want and need in each other; the strength to do the next right thing just because it is the next right thing; not because one is attempting to impress someone.
Written January 28, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
If one looks up the definition of strength in Marriam Webster or almost any dictionary the first definition is about physical ability. It is the amount of force exerted or endured. The term can also be used to refer to character or the ability of one to act on the basis of one’s core values even if many others think that one’s actions are wrong or a symptom of weakness.
Many of us males have learned that strength is about not showing vulnerability or heart felt feelings such as sadness, grief or other indications that we care about people. Actually, it is okay if one shows signs of caring as long as one does so by performing a task. The types of tasks one may do to show love may vary depending on the mores of the neighborhood or larger community. Women also often show they care by performing a task; offering to help with child care, cooking a meal, loaning money, or listening for hours at a time. At the same time women freely share their tears, their excitement and a range of other emotions.
As a young man I was awed by the fact that women could share sadness while cooking a meal, performing child care or getting ready to put on their judge’s robes. They also have the capacity to temporarily set their emotions aside while they perform an important task. Males, on the other hand, often stuff their emotions so that they can continue with a task and/or to prove that they are not “a pussy”. In other words it seems as we males spend a lot of our energy denying or hiding many of our emotions.
A man I am seeing for therapy just told me that strength for him has been dealing with his fear by attempting to control others, particularly the females in his life. He did not think it was manly to show fear or other tender emotions. He also did not think he could show or even talk about such emotions without breaking down which was strictly verboten for a male. Of course his behavior destroyed relationships with the females in his life. The women in his life were not impressed with his show of physical strength and his inability to be vulnerable or to even lose an argument. (Assuming an argument needed to be won.)
This very same male admitted that much of his behavior was executed for fear of what other males might think of him if he was more open with this love and his emotions. It is true that much of behavior by heterosexual males is designed to earn the respect or at least not the disrespect of other males. This same behavior may impress some females but the majority of females I know are much too busy to put up with such foolishness. Most females I know want a partner who is emotionally present and in doing his best to be a partner in all areas of this shared life.
All of us like an occasional evening off. I love it when a female or a male with whom I am sharing an evening takes charge of the evening by making reservations and taking care of all the details of the evening. I also enjoy doing the same for them. It feels good to be taken care of not because I am a male but because we all get tired of being in charge. This does not mean ordering a person to do things for us. It means we do things because we love taking care of our partner and other friends and enjoy getting the same treatment in return.
It seems as if the strength which most of us treasure in others is the courage to treat ourselves and others with respect and, yes, love. Physical strength is welcomed in many situations whether it is to do household tasks, stay up taking care of a sick child or partner, or chopping wood if that is needed. Most of us admire those who take good care of their physical body not to prove something but because they think enough of themselves to take good care of themselves. It is, however, the emotional and spiritual strength we most want and need in each other; the strength to do the next right thing just because it is the next right thing; not because one is attempting to impress someone.
Written January 28, 2020
Jimmy F Pickett
coachpickett.org
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